I know this might sound ungrateful or whatever but I’m just tired. I’m 23 and I still feel like I have zero control over my own life. My parents are constantly getting into my business. Like ever since we were kids, we were always super sheltered. Couldn’t go out alone, couldn’t hang out with friends, couldn’t even choose our own clothes most of the time.. Almost everything was decided for us. Now I’m an adult and I just feel behind in literally everything. Ok some of it is on me, sure, but it’s also hard to learn basic life stuff when every time you try to do something on your own, you get shut down. I tried to get a part time job while studying, no “you don’t need to work, focus on school, it’s not safe.” I wanted to move out: “why? stay with us, we love you, we’ll miss you.” My little sister got forced into picking the same uni and major as me just because they didn’t want us separated. She’s miserable and failing and now they act shocked. And THEN they constantly complain about how we’re lazy or have no initiative or don’t act like adults. Like how do you expect us to become adults when you never let us try anything?? Every time we show interest in something or try to take a step toward independence, they guilt trip us and say things like “you should be grateful, we’re still doing everything for you” or “our parents never cared about us, we’re doing this because we love you”. I know they’re doing it out of love but love isn’t supposed to feel like a that. I want to figure out my own life, make my own decisions, even if I mess up sometimes. I just wish I could tell them this without sounding like an ungrateful asshole. I don’t hate them, I love them a lot. I just need space. I want to live. That’s it.
How do I tell my parents I need space without hurting them?
r/Advice
Comments
Just for clarification – do you still live in your parents’ home and are you completely dependent upon them financially?
I will respectfully say that I know no one who has had that kind of life. I do know that standing up for yourself is a big deal with myself and dozens of kids, friends, and myself.
Life is expensive. Keep living at home while you can. But. Help them understand that you need help with your list of needs.
Make and present the list, as respectfully as you wrote this.
I think you have a good chance.
Get your Own place??
What were their childhoods like? Two of my older sibs died as teens in a car accident and that changed how my parents parented us. They “parented” out of fear – not to this degree.
Not picking out your own clothes seems beyond controlling imo. Maybe ask to start with small things like that.
“I know you’ve always done everything because you care about me. But I need to start making choices for myself. I appreciate you more than you know. I need your help with becoming more confident and preparing for the world.”
My mom was a lot like that. I know you don’t have a ton of freedoms, but you just starting doing adult stuff. Stay out late on a weeknight, go to a bar, whatever. My mom was LIVID the first time I stayed overnight at a guy’s house, and I was well into my 20’s. I started biking to the next town over to socialize with friends (soooo unsafe….. ) I bought a cheap shitty car without asking permission — more freedom. Eventually they figured out that I was just going to do what I wanted to do. None of it was “bad” or “rebellious” but I needed to spread my wings a bit! (and, frankly, it’s hard to date or have a social life if you’re under their thumb, too!)
Honestly, you probably should get a job — even if it’s just 4 hours one night a week. Financial independence would be a huge step in doing more things for yourself. No student is so busy that they don’t have a couple hours a week to sacrifice for money.
Your sister can change her major to whatever she wants. Have her see an academic counsellor or student support person.
University is full of opportunities. Join clubs, meet people, stay out late, have an adventure. TAKE THEM.