Hi, I don’t post much on reddit so I’m sorry if I make any mistakes or anything. Anyway for some background, I (18F) have two older sisters K(23F) and M(27F) and growing up we had a quite dysfunctional family with our mom being pretty toxic. Our mom treated us all pretty differently with me being her favorite (I don’t mean to say that in like a cocky way, she has just treated me better all-around compared to my sisters). I wasn’t old enough to understand the abuse M went through and I’ll admit I could probably never understand it but I was old enough to witness was K went through which was pretty bad. But while I was favorited by my mom M was always the favorite of our maternal grandparents in the way like they would and still do pay for a lot of her things, which is fine I don’t care much about it. Me and M used to be very close when I was little and she was like a second mom to me, she’d always take care of me when my parents when out and some core memories of mine have her that the center and for a long time I had her up on this pedestal that she could do no wrong and was the best person ever. but when she moved out to college at 18, with full ride to a top college in our state, I knew I’d miss her a lot but I was confident she’d keep in touch and we’d be able to talk all the time over the phone.
Fastforward to my junior year and by then I had only seen her a handful of times since she had moved out and anytime, I’d start a conversation it would take her days to respond if she did. When I’d talk to her about this she’d always say how she either didn’t want to see or talk to our parents or how she was just very busy, which for a long time I’d be completely ok with. At one point though I was really sad with how little I was talking with both my sisters, so I decided to start a conversation with them every single day and at first it worked with both of them for like a week I’d be talking to them both nonstop, till one day I forgot, but K instantly told me Goodmorning and asked about how I slept, but M didn’t and when I hadn’t said anything to her for days she still didn’t text me, but K, who at this point was working at a daycare and planning her wedding, still would text me all the time and we still do this to this day btw. Eventually it had been month since we’d last talked and in the middle of November she called me out of the blue while I was at school she and I didn’t call her back and she didn’t call again so I figured it wasn’t important. in January I decided to send her long message basically saying how I felt which just led to us calling and her saying how she didn’t want to talk to our parents and that she was busy, she talked over me a lot just repeating the same sentiment and at the end she said that she’d leave me alone to cool down and told me to call her when I wanted to talk again. I’ll admit I was feeling petty for a little while after and I felt like she didn’t listen to me at all when I said I wanted her to talk more, so id decided to just not call her back.
This all leads to around my graduation, I didn’t invite her to come not out of pettiness, more so I wanted it to be peaceful with no fights which I didn’t trust her not to start something, also my life had been relatively peaceful without her, and I was happy with how it was. Also, a part of me didn’t think she’d even come if I did invite her. Anyway, it was very nice with just my parents, best friend and K and her husband, who drove over 2 hours both ways to be there and spend the day with me. later in June my maternal grandfather ended up in the hospital and it wasn’t looking good for him for a little while; this is when M called me asking if I was ok, it was pretty awkward but eventually she asked if I had sent out invitation to graduation, and I told her honestly no invitation were sent and I told her blatantly that I had just asked K and Bil top come and that was it. During this call I did my best to be nice and answer her question and ask my own about her life, I didn’t want her to think I hated her or anything just that I was hurt. she hung up and I called K to fill her in to which she told me that M had called her earlier that day and vented about me, then M called me again and straight up asked why i didn’t invite her to my graduation which I told her the reasons above she wasn’t happy with that and we had a long discussion about it and at some point I compared how she always said she was busy but K would still find time to text me even when she was putting herself through beauty school and a nanny job while also trying to start a family and experiencing many devastating losses, additionally I wanted her to understand that I was fine if we weren’t close like i was with K but I was just done putting so much more energy into our relationship than her, it felt almost pathetic on my part that I kept chasing her attention for so long. We talked till my parents came home to which I said I’d call her back later. I didn’t caller back mainly because I genuinely forgot. I didn’t think about it for a little while till me and K were talking and she told me how M scheduled some things with K, she’s and esthetician, and K said that the whole time M kept talking about how immature I was and told K about things I said that I didn’t actually say, she also kept comparing me to my mom which rly hurt. This happened once or twice more where she’d talk to K about me in a way that I could only describe as sh*t talking and K would tell me about it, and we’d talk sh*t about her right after, which while i know is kinda hypocritical, it still now makes me feel sick knowing that someone I loved so much and i still do love seems to hate me much more and also thinking about what she could be saying about me to the extended family members i don’t talk to as much.
I know this is kinda long and rambling, but I just want her to know that I dont hate her, I dont like the person she seems to be but she’s still my sister and I love her. How do I show her that in a way that she’ll actually listen to me without misunderstanding me? I don’t want to be close with her but if i have kids one day I want them to know their aunt. thank you for any advice and I’m sorry for how long this is and for anything not making sense.
TL;DR: My sister hasent put much effort into our relationship and has talked sh*t about me to our other sister when I stopped putting in effort, how should I go about telling her I still care about her but I don’t tlike the person she is right now?