TRIGGER WARNING FOR PHYSICAL ABUSE
TLDR: How do I explain to my 3-year-old that we won’t be calling or visiting his grandpa anymore?
I went no contact with my dad about 2 months ago for the sake of my mental health. I haven’t seen him since, and I haven’t contacted him except to send a Happy Father’s Day text and to send photos and videos of my son’s school recital last month. They used to be very close, as my son is the only grandson, but after our last conversation, I knew I needed to take a step back from him.
Long story short, my mother had to be escorted from their house by police again because of his physical abuse towards her, and because I wouldn’t call my mother and convince her to go back to him like he asked me to, he told me he would never speak to me again if they got a divorce. I told him if he was going to be like this, then not to wait to see if she came back or not, just cut contact then and there.
It was easily one of the hardest things I’ve had to do, and I still think about calling or visiting him at least once every other day, but I still think this is for the best for both me and my son.
The problem is, my son keeps asking to go visit grandpa; he loved to go driving with my dad, and they would get treats and hang out all day together when we visited.
It breaks my heart every time I have to tell him no when he asks to visit him. What can I do to ease the transition for him?
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Is FaceTime an option for your son and dad? Good luck.
You don’t have to explain. Your son is still young. The longer you go without seeing him, the more he will forget. There will be times when he asks and you give him a simple answer like, “grandpa is working.” Or “grandpa is out of town.” If you were to explain the full truth it would be too complicated for him to process. As he gets older you can start answering some of his questions more honestly.
You tell him in an age appropriate way that grandpa hurt grandma and we don’t spend time with people who hurt others. I mean seriously, is this the first time he’s hurt your mum? And if not, why have you been letting your son spend time with an abuser.
You did the right thing.
Maybe talk to a family counselor about how to talk about this in an age appropriate way? They’d have better guidance. Maybe your pediatrician would have guidance? It wouldn’t hurt you to get some counseling for you to deal with this trauma.
For young kids it’s simplest to say “sometimes adults do mean things that require us to not see them. I will explain more as you get older but right now you need to trust me that grandpa is someone we cannot see.”
If you have an example to relate to it, that might help. A time someone (maybe another kid) got angry or mad and threw a toy or something. And remind them they don’t like hanging around people like that.
Maybe do a search for age appropriate discussions for kids age 3 domestic violence. Or there may be recommendations to not talk about it yet since he didn’t actually witness any violence himself?
Good luck. And hugs.