I(30F) am looking for advice on fixing my sex life with my partner (36M)? We are married with a 1yo child. Over the years both our sex drive has decreased, sometimes we’d go on two/three weeks without sex. up until now it was not really an issue. We discussed about it but since we were both low drive it didn’t really feel like a big issue. However, after the arrival of our child we have been struggling as a couple on more fronts. In addition to these new struggles, my husband is now not happy about our sex life anymore. I guess his drive is back, but mine unfortunately is even more dead. He knows, I told him. For a time I occasionally faked being in the mood to make him happy and it seemed to fix things a bit. I’m not faking orgasms, they fortunately still come once we engage, however it feels like a chore and it makes me feel like crap. We went to one session of couple counselling and they advised to be honest and stop faking. So I took this advice and when he came to me the next time I told him I wasn’t in the mood, and was a quickie ok? And he did not take it well. Got offended, which made us fight, which was not a success. I don’t know what to do, I have zero interest in sex, faking kinda works to keep peace but I bet is not gonna do us any favour in the long run. Not faking makes him feel rejected and frustrated and me defective and pressured. In the past I tried proposing going out doing something spicy, however I got the feeling that he does not like the idea of having to put that much effort just to have sex with his wife. And I kinda understand, it’s not always sustainable in our busy lives. And I’m not even sure it would work really. Have some of you been in our situation? What helped? Helppppp
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Hi, I am the husband in your situation and I am willing to share how we navigated this period of our life. Feel free to DM if you want to discuss
The line where he doesn’t want to put that much effort in to have sex, is exactly the reason you aren’t in the mood for it. He has to turn you on again. Just because you’ve been together a long time does not mean you don’t have to try and romance your partner anymore, its the opposite. You do need date nights, you do need to spice things up. He does need to take some work load off of you on the days he wants sex so you can relax a bit and feel sexy.
Basically his excuse is bullshit, if he wants sex, he has to make you feel desired and supported, end of story.
I feel like we’re in a similar situation except I’m the one with the higher sexdrive, I’m lucky if I get it once a year 😔 so if there is a solution I’d love to hear about it too!
Have you gotten your hormones checked by your doctor postpartum? Especially postpartum hormones are all over the place and can contribute to a lack of libido. I’d suggest you talk to your husband and let him know that while you haven’t been in the mood, you are still able to enjoy yourself (orgasm) while having sex. That’s incredibly important to communicate. What is your emotional intimacy like currently what are you doing to make him feel loved (outside of sex) and vice versa? Ask yourself why it feels like a chore rather than a way to bond with your partner. And perhaps seek individual counseling as well as keeping up with couple’s counseling.
The fact that he won’t accept a quickie and requires the “long program” tells me that he’s selfish. You’re trying to compromise and he’s being a baby. He’s making himself an unfuckable sex pest.
I’d head back to couples counseling and share this situation.
My libido took a dive due to perimenopause and I got on HRT and that helped quite a bit but I still have to kind of talk myself into sex. I enjoy it when we are doing it, but I never really “want” to. I know it’s something my partner needs in order to feel wanted and connected so I kind of have a calendar in my head and make sure I’m initiating once a week or so and try to say yes when he initiates unless I truly am just too exhausted or painful (chronic illness). But my partner will take a hand job or a quickie if I offer that instead of full on long program.
Please, never do convince yourself to engage in sex just to please your partner, it would only make things worse, trust me, I’ve been there with my now ex-husband. If it already feels “like a chore” you will slowly hate it and then you’ll start hating him for wanting that. This might be a point of no return.
What you can do instead and what worked for me in my current marriage: ask your husband to be close and intimate with you during random times of the day WITHOUT it leading to sex, so more kisses, more hugs, more flirting, pick things that you yourself genuinely enjoy. Then slowly once in a while (but only when you feel like it!) just for a little bit move towards sex, try to explain to your husband that you need to focus on your pleasure, it should start being exciting for you again. And then, as soon as you are enjoying it, you’ll want it more, believe me. Also for many women pleasure from intimacy is connected with self-esteem and feeling sexy, so ask your husband to express his admiration more, it might help.
How are other aspects of the marriage? How has the intimacy changed since having the baby? How is the baby fitting into your life? How do you feel about yourselves since having the baby? Do you feel like you’re not supposed to be as flirtatious and sexual once you’re a mom?
How are you liking him as a husband and father? My wife has shared with me that she’s turned on by me when I’m being a great dad with my children. Conversely, there are moments I think my wife is stunning when she’s just being attentive to our children. And we’ll tell each other.
Are there things you’d appreciate more, that would lead you to want to reciprocate more?
Are you finding him more or less attractive over the past year? I know sex is the question, but is there something that’s different about the build up?
There can be a lot to sort out after having children. Physically, mentally, emotionally, financially, etc. These posts can be tough given the complexity, possible need for more detail, and various ideas from people that worked or failed for them. I wish the best for you and your family.
M40s here, so have lived through these times.
My missus wasn’t big on sex after our kids were born. Took a while after each baby to get back to it. Also, the intimacy varied heaps with birth control methods – there would have been potentially months apart at times on one of those methods, at around your ages. So factor that in too.
I’ll say that all of these things change in time. I guarantee you that my better half went through what you’re going through. These days – the physical intimacy is sometimes more frequent, sometimes less – but if I pay attention then the quality? Off the charts. So, yes, it can definitely get better.
How do you fix you, at the moment, in this situation? Don’t put pressure on yourself for a start. But maybe start to open lines of communication about where you are – this is most critical – you need to be real when talking about it. Absolute must is good communication.
Difficult . There are some sort of hormones one can take to slowly get back into the mood. This topic is often discussed by women in other media too and I faintly remember something in that direction .