To preface, I know the most wonderful women in my life and I am aware being a woman isn’t a bad thing but for some reason I can’t make it feel true for myself. So, I promise this isn’t targeted as hate or as a generalisation.
I know this will sound petty or selfish, I don’t know why I don’t feel like this but I feel like I can’t fulfil my dreams as a woman. When I was younger I wanted to be the fastest runner in the world. It hurts knowing the average male athlete would be able to beat me. How do I just cope with this? Also, I start to find a a strong revulsion when people tell me to do things a lot of women do (on average, not all women as that would be simply untrue) such as shaving, makeup etc. It feels like I am running away from being a woman and I don’t know what’s wrong with me. My friend made a comment about ‘the things we women have to go through’ and that included me, and I felt a bad taste in my mouth after.
Comments
Have you ever experienced gender dysphoria?
Definitely don’t do those things that you feel revulsed by. Wearing makeup and shaving have nothing to do with being a woman. The best woman you can be is yourself. Not someone else’s idea of what a woman should be.
Running is a competition with yourself more than others. It’s about improving your best, not someone else’s. Otherwise, why should anyone run if they can’t beat whomever holds the world record?
Stop listening to people telling you what it is to be a woman. Everyone has an opinion about how to do it right. Your life, your choice. There are some women doing extraordinary things. Bin the make up (if you want), cut your hair how you want it, dress in your choice of clothes, make any changes you want- it’s all lies, this ‘to be a woman you must…’ People have painted a picture of womanhood that is unwelcoming and unhelpful for many of us. Just be you, trust yourself .
I love being a woman. As a trans person if I wasn’t a woman I’d be dead
I may not be the best person to answer this, because I’m going through something similar myself, but last week I was in full-crisis mode with the realization of all the limitations placed on me due to being a woman, and today I genuinely feel like a whole human for the first time that I can remember. Here is what I did:
I told my therapist exactly how I felt and exactly what I needed. “I’ve realized that I have a deep well of resentment and anger towards men and society as a whole for how I am treated and how I am expected to behave. I want to learn how to expel those expectations and learn who I am as much as possible, without putting myself in danger. Can you help me figure that out?” and then we made a plan.
I told all of the (trustworthy) men in my life that I need a break from them. I was honest with them, I didn’t allow myself to sugar coat anything. I decided that if they didn’t accept me for who I am right now, then our relationship was not going to work.
I removed the untrustworthy men from my life in the safest way I could. Also, my ‘untrustworthy’ I don’t mean men that I had solid evidence were untrustworthy. I mean any man that I would never allow myself into a vulnerable situation with. This was very painful for me, but I kept reminding myself that people who can’t be trusted not to rape me are not my friends.
I had a frank discussion with my partner about where I’m at, what I need, what I expect from him, and what I would really like to have from him. We created a system that allowed me experiment with my new self and for him to feel safe in our relationship during these changes.
I started verbally asking myself what I wanted before I made any decision. Do I want to do my hair today? If so, why? If not, why? Do I want to shave? What do I want to wear? What do I want to eat or watch or do, without considering what I think other people want me to do. Anything I was doing to try to fit into social standards, I stopped doing (for my reset week, not indefinitely).
I removed all social media (including Reddit), my phone, my work, and the internet for a week. I trusted my partner to let me know if there’s anything important that needs to be addressed, but otherwise I stayed away from any technology. (I realize I’m fortunate to be in a situation that allows this).
During that week, I started to learn what I like and what I don’t. I realized that SO MUCH of what I do is to portray an image that is just not true to who I am or want to be.
If you don’t don’t know where you end and she begins, you don’t really have an identity.
My week long escape ended a few days ago, and since then I’ve been focusing on treating it like putting on a costume. I verbalize to myself that I’m wearing makeup I don’t want to wear, because the positive consequence of conforming to societal standards in this situation is worth the inauthenticity. I take the time to figure out at what point would it no longer be worth it, and then I create that boundary for myself. I’m really trying to be aware of every single thing that I do to please other people and make sure that it’s an intentional decision.
I’m still in the infancy stages, but omg, it’s incredible. I don’t know if what’s been working for me will work for you, but regardless of what you decide to do, I’m sorry that you’re going through this, you aren’t alone, and you aren’t crazy. This is your life. It doesn’t belong to anyone else. Live it however you want, and as safely as possible.
So what if men on average are stronger and faster than women? Who decided that being physically stronger and faster is more important than having higher endurance, flexibility, balance, or pain tolerance? Men decided that, because we’re better than them at all of those things.
If you want to run, then run. If you want to perform at something you have a biological advance in, choose something that compliments your strengths. Whatever you decide to do, I’m rooting for you.