Back when I used to drink, I could hook up or meet men easily – at bars, restaurants, or on dating apps. If the vibe felt right, I’d flirt, kiss, and just let things unfold. Alcohol lowered my inhibitions and made it easy to satisfy my physical needs without overthinking.
But now that I’m sober, it’s a completely different experience and not in a good way. It’s not even that I want casual sex, if I’m being honest. I just feel like I don’t have a choice. I’ve been single for so long, and there’s just no one around me that I’m interested in – like, at all. Most of the men I meet are either gay, taken, or just completely incompatible personality-wise. There’s just nothing there. And yet… I’m still a human being. I still have physical needs. Sometimes my sex drive spikes so hard that it feels completely out of my control.
And sure, there are toys and all that, and they help to a degree, but it’s just not the same as connecting with a real person. So that’s why I find myself gravitating toward casual sex. Not because it’s what I want, but because… what else am I going to do?
When I was drinking, it didn’t matter if the guy was boring or not my type. I was tipsy, the mood felt good, and that was enough. But now that I’m sober, it’s so much harder. I can see people clearly now. I care about personality. And that makes it damn near impossible to go through with anything unless I genuinely like the person. I still crave the kind of carefree, physical experience I used to have while drinking – but now, I look at the guy and just think, “Wow… you suck. You’re not funny. You’re not interesting.” And I can’t push past that anymore.
So here’s my question: how do sober women navigate casual sex when they’re in this weird space? When the need is there, but the chemistry isn’t, and alcohol is no longer masking that mismatch?
How do you let yourself go through with something physical without needing an emotional connection – or at the very least, a tolerable personality? Is there a trick? A mindset shift? A way to just get it done?
Thanks for reading. I genuinely want to hear how others handle this.
Comments
You were in a pattern that was harmful to you that you recognize as such. It’s ok if you want to wait for there to be an emotional connection. The sex-positivity movement kind of got hijacked by predators in sometimes really subtle ways and they, the media, and social vibes convinced a lot of people that detached casual sex is totally liberating and normal. This works for some people, and that’s ok! But it is also ok, and actually sex positive, if you’ve discovered this doesn’t work for you. It’s alright to let that go, especially now for women where casual sex is more high-stakes than ever. Unfortunately women have so much more to lose when we sleep with idiots.
editing to clarify: I am casting no moral judgment on women who do have casual sex. Go for it! But it’s also ok to not want to participate in this if you feel it hurts you in the long run.
Not a single or sober woman, but I watched a video by Merle O’Neal awhile back as she discussed the transition of no longer drinking in social situations, and I found her realizations and her approaches to the new socialization super interesting.
I hook up with people I like, or at least find interesting.
I don’t drink much. I used to drink a lot.
Sex sober is so much better than sex drunk because now I have sex on my terms: when I actually want it and enjoy it.
Which, weirdly stopped casual sex: I love sex, but I don’t love casual sex. I much prefer sex in a relationship with someone.
Turns out drink was only tricking me into letting others use my body: I didn’t get real enjoyment from it and the drink was tricking me into thinking I enjoyed Casual sex when I actually didn’t.
I never cared for using the framing of dating or dating apps as a way to transition in to hooking up. It places too much pressure, expectation and focus on to the interaction. I used formal dating for dating and casual socializing for looking for hookup partners. Are you also meeting and interacting with guys out in the wild? The success rate is lower because there’s so much chance involved, but it gives you the opportunity to size them up without it being explicitly about sizing them up.
You can obviously still use the dating framework to see these guys again, but you’re feeling out how you feel about them before it makes it to a date.
I don’t think alcohol is the issue here as much as you’re meeting men you would sleep with but you’re not excited about as people. Which sounds like the jail of heterosexuality tbh😭
What do you think makes it feel heavy and high stakes
Have never drank alcohol so always been sober but still have had one night stands and casual sex experiences. Not really sure how to answer your question about how I navigate it? It’s a decision yon make just as if you weren’t sober, it’s just that the decision is more informed.
If you can’t enjoy casual sex sober, then maybe you don’t actually enjoy casual sex? A lot of women don’t.
>How do you let yourself just enjoy something physical without needing a full emotional connection?
I’ve never needed this anc i think i had sex while drunk once.
Honestly, if you need to drink to do something, thats probably a sign you should find a different way to get what you need. Maybe cultivate some fuck buddies rather than strangers.
It doesn’t have to be high-stakes. The only high-stakes thing here is your sobriety. The rest is just you exploring what kind of a sober life you want.
Just try things out and don’t force yourself into doing things you would have done while drinking – after all, you quit for a reason, and maybe your old ways weren’t that satisfying anymore. If you’re on a date with a hot dumbass and you can’t bring yourself to sleep with him, so be it. You’ll find people you like more soon enough.
As you’re navigating what I guess are early stages of sobriety, a lot of things will feel difficult at first. You get used to it, and eventually you’ll find your own way. Congrats on your sobriety, by the way!
I had a similar situation but ultimately found that alcohol was enabling me to self-harm through these hookups (stemming from childhood sexual trauma). I haven’t had a sober hookup since.
I’d encourage you to reflect on what you’re really after with these hookups. If it’s the physical sensation, you can use toys instead. If toys aren’t bringing you what you’re looking for, then it’s really probably validation you’re seeking. Sounds like you kind of know this based on your references to emotional connection. Earning slower, emotional connection (without the validation of sex) will be exponentially more rewarding than what you’ve been doing.
Learning a new hobby will be great for helping facilitate this. Also a great time to start therapy if you haven’t already. And a meditation practice, to help you come to these conclusions yourself (over time).
I’ve never been drunk during a hook up! I mostly sleep with friends though which makes it easier. Maybe a few FWBs would help.
I used alcohol to mask my social anxiety and autism.
Don’t have casual sec. Problem solved.
Following because I could’ve written this post. Thank you for asking and cheers to navigating all of this sober
It sounds like you don’t actually like casual sex, tbh. Why force yourself to do something that clearly is not what you really want/need?
You realize that there’s awkwardness and some discomfort that is normal and ok to experience. I think there’s a lot of folks whose threshold is very low so avoidance at all cost is the game than growing this skill over time. Everything is essentially to feel numb. Life is a series of awkward and small discomforts. My life has gotten better in all aspects as I adjusted my avoidance and leaned into discomfort and the humor behind it all.
It’s ok to want something casual, but also a little bit more than random hookups. I was a friend with benefits person as just the basic enjoying their personality to some extent was needed and enhanced everything. The ongoing friendship was nice as then you just grow in comfort and you wouldn’t need to navigate awkward or potentially shitty or dangerous hookups for sex. I went on websites for people who were looking for FWB and sought people who liked the emotional intimacy and civility that we can go to dinner with each other.
California sober (420 only) and former slut phase lover. I would hookup off the apps all the time sober. If you feel like you need to drink to have casual sex, do you really want to have casual sex?
The less alcohol you have in your life the less problems you will have in the long run (socially, emotionally, mentally and physically).