My husband’s family is super excited about this baby, which is great, we love that. It’s the first great grandkid and maybe the only one. It’s the first baby in the family in 26 years, my husband was the last. So his parents, aunt, and grandparents have had a blast finding baby stuff for us.
But pretty much everything they have given us is unsanitary, unsafe, or just not usable. To name a few:
• Baby clothes that smell like cigarettes and cat pee
• A used dirty car seat from one of his aunt’s trailer park neighbors (we already have a brand new one and two clean used but safe ones from my cousin)
• A sketchy Wi-Fi baby monitor (we already have a Wi-Fi free one that was bought off our registry a month ago)
• An old sketchy crib that has been sitting in a garage for over 30 years and we would have to drive six hours to pick it up, no thanks
His family are also heavy indoor smokers, they are hoarders, and their houses are not clean. I do not want anything that has been in or even near his mom’s house because she has a massive flea infestation she is not really doing anything about.
I do not mind secondhand stuff at all. Most of what I already have for the baby is secondhand, but it comes from people we know and trust. This is different. It feels unsafe and honestly gross.
The hard part is figuring out how to tell them to stop. My husband feels the same way I do and he is ready to be the one to step up and say something. But they didn’t take well to being asked not to smoke around me while I was pregnant, so I feel like this is going to go over even worse. They still make comments about my husband quitting nicotine when we got together eight years ago. He was a teenager then, he shouldn’t have had any nicotine to begin with. But that is just the culture of this family.
It also looks worse because I have happily accepted a lot of secondhand stuff from my family and people I know.
We would honestly rather they just stopped giving us anything at all. But how do we say that without me looking like “that” person?
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“We have baby stuff coming out our ears and don’t have room for anymore. We will let you know if we find we need something else down the line but for now, we just can’t take any more stuff.”
we don’t have room for any more stuff, thank you!
Honestly this sounds really bad, cigarettes are so dangerous for you and the baby, I would be super pissed that they got offended when told to stop smoking around you! That also means that you might face the same reaction when baby is here. Honestly I would let your husband deal with it, since he agrees with you and unlike many husbands in this thread has the spine to tell them, then enjoy it! Ask him to be firm, whether they like it or not, does not matter, it is a safety concern and they have to listen. A used car seat should not be re-used and stuff that smell cigarettes neither
This goes so far beyond just the issue of getting stuff you don’t want from his family. This is a matter of health and safety for your baby.
First and foremost, the tough conversations with his family should be coming primarily from your husband, not you. And secondly, someone’s idea of you doesn’t matter anywhere near as much as the safety of your baby, so put that fear out of your head. Being a good mom is more important than being a good daughter in law.
Your husband could phrase it like this: “we have limited space, so please consult with me before getting anything for the baby. We have most everything we need. We also only want clean items from non-smoking, pet-free homes.”
Most importantly, the smoking around both you and the baby needs to be a HARD boundary. Either they refrain from smoking around you both, or they will not be able to see the baby. I don’t have to tell you the dangers of second-hand smoke, but I will remind you that smoke can interfere with baby’s sense of smell and nicotine from fingers can transfer transdermally.
Remind yourself that you know what’s best for your baby, and stand by it.
Accept it, say thank you, and then put it in the garbage. I’ve done that for years with similar unusable things we were given for our kids.
Just have him be honest. “This isn’t safe/healthy for a baby so we’d rather you keep it”. Some things you just need to be blunt about. Let your husband handle the convo and let him tell them no as many times as necessary. “We’ve already discussed this and the answer hasn’t changed”. Start laying your boundaries now so when baby is here they already know better than to test it
Feeling kinda stuck between wanting to be grateful and needing to protect your baby’s safety… yeah, I get that. You’re not alone in this, sometimes family expectations can feel heavier than they need to be. Just focus on what’s best for your little one, even if it means saying no.
“We are so overwhelmed with the generosity and enthusiam for our little one and we are grateful beyond words for how much our families have contributed. But we now have much more than we will ever need for our baby, and are quite literally running out of room. We’re drowning in baby items. Now that we have everything, we need to ask all of you to please stop bringing anything additional. We love that you are so generous with our baby, but we have more than what we need, and no more room for storage. Any additional baby items will have to be donated away as we are truly full at our house. Again, thank you to everyone who was so generous.”
“Hey everyone I appreciate the generosity you all have shown us. You have really welcomed Baby into the clan. I do have to ask you to be a little less generous, though, because we are running out of room!”