I (52F) live in the UK with my husband (47M), my elderly father (85), and my mum (81). My dad has no hobbies anymore, very little strength, and spends most of his time sitting in silence. He’s always been a stubborn old mule, and now that he can’t do the things he used to enjoy, he’s withdrawn even further. My husband and dad have never had much in common, my husband tried over the years to connect, but nothing stuck. They’re both strong-willed, and the tension has only grown.
For context, my husband cared for his mother until she passed from cancer, and I looked after my grandmother with dementia until she passed. I now work full-time as the breadwinner while my husband has a part-time job and takes on most of the day-to-day care for my father.
He’s completely burned out. He’s constantly cleaning up after my dad, dealing with his habits, and watching him spiral into depression. The emotional toll is huge. My husband often pulls away from everyone, even me and my mum, just to protect his mental peace. I don’t blame him, but we’re at breaking point.
We’ve involved adult social care and made contact with local support groups, but my dad refuses any outside help. He won’t accept respite care or home visits, won’t attend any groups, and insists only we care for him. He’s frightened, extremely stubborn, and clearly very depressed.
All three of us, my husband, mum, and I, are in regular therapy. We’re doing what we can to protect our mental health, but it’s not enough. My dad’s needs are only increasing, and we’re all running on fumes.
How do you care for someone who refuses help, without destroying yourself, your marriage, and the rest of the household in the process? Any advice or experience would be really appreciated.
TL;DR: My husband and I are caring for my increasingly frail, depressed, and stubborn father who refuses all outside help. We’re both burned out, in therapy, and don’t know how to keep going as his care needs grow and he shuts out all support but us. What can we do?
Comments
There’s no magic solution other than to say he needs external care. Sorry to say whether he ‘wants to’ accept it or not is no longer an option. You either accept this and start looking into it or your relationship with your husband will be destroyed.
The only other option I can see is that you flip your positions so that you are bearing the brunt of caring for your elderly parents, and your husband gets to work. It may sound cruel but if this were me and my husband I would MASSIVELY resent being a carer for a difficult in-law whilst my husband continued his career and basically had an adult ‘escape’ most of the day, when it’s his parents.
So you either get someone else to care for him entirely or you make it so that you are the carer for your parents, not your husband. There’s no option here that will keep your husband being the carer AND happy, with the way your father is it’s clearly not going to work much longer.