My life has been pretty peaceful since I started keeping to myself, but I’m feeling the itch to be more social again. I miss meeting new people, experiencing new things, and gaining fresh perspectives – but I’m also nervous about the potential chaos that can come with it.
How do you maintain a fun, engaging social life while avoiding unnecessary drama?
(From an anxious, autistic and ADHD 24 year-old woman)
Comments
You accept that you can’t have everything, for every upside there is a downside.
Consider therapy to help you manage your relationships – can you give an example of unnecessary drama in the past?
Friendships can be bewildering since there aren’t clear boundaries, a lot of stuff that comes with them might be necessary for some but not others.
Advice can’t really be given generally about it IMO.
It WILL change as you get older. Instead of a large social circle, I prefer a few good friends. I’ve never had drama.
People that attract drama are usually projecting it. If you want less of that inspect why you are attracting people like that and be more discriminating
I choose to have activity-based relationships. It helps manage my overstimulation. I also don’t commit to things that are super long outings until I’m sure that person understands that my emotional energy is sensitive. I won’t spend time with people who are pessimistic, it drains me. I ask people questions about themselves and let them talk, and I listen. That helps as well.
I live in an outdoor-focused community so for me it’s hiking, climbing (you can’t talk on a wall but still build a lot of trust and shared experiences), and skiing (talk on the lifts, hand signals on the mountain).
I also have anxiety and ADHD, so choosing activities that were adventurous helped me gain confidence in myself while I made friends.
Good luck!
A great way to avoid unnecessary drama is to focus more on other people and less on how their actions affect you – it’s liberating and reduces so much unnecessary anxiety and stress
Like minded people tend to attract others. When we meet people, it’s usually a good start then we see what idiosyncrasies they have and what not. It takes time but in general, if we find someone off putting and what not, we just don’t invite them over or meet up with them as often and they tend to take the himt
Be okay with just leaving at any time. I used to feel trapped when around others because I felt it would be bad to just walk away. I was concerned how others would perceive that as possible as rude, so stuck around in uncomfortable gatherings.
Now when gossip gets going or a conversation takes a religious or political turn, I just excuse myself and leave.
The people in my life, which are very few, know that I do not entertain any of that stuff, so they dont bring it up around me.
When I am around people who I have just met or just total strangers, walking away from drama is the only thing I can do to keep my sanity.
Right friends help
I only do things socially that I truly love and that take practice, like singing in community choruses or dance classes. In those situations there’s no space left for excess egos. Everyone’s working to create something.
If your social life is centered around alcohol you’ll unfortunately have drama..
Socialize in groups that express your values, volunteering for causes you care about, with groups that are doing an activity you enjoy and literally walking away when someone tries to gossip. I literally tell people “I’m going to stop you right there I don’t engage in conversation behind the subjects back, but what are you doing next weekend” change the subject quickly and move on
I’m very social and make friends easily but as I age I’m slower to get super involved quickly. I workout in the water daily. I have a group of six friends who have become super close. We saw each other daily but it was months before we did anything socially. We got to really know each other and see if we meshed. Within that group there are three women who really clicked. The “Core Four” we call ourselves. We travel together.
Avoid people who use substances/alcohol, or who don’t share your values, to start…
I’ve been involved with a Meetup hiking group for about 15 years now. We get together 2-3 times a week for 5-10 mile hikes in the mountains west of Los Angeles. I make it a point to never talk about sex, religion, or politics.
It’s really hard these days 🙁
If someone seems to either be constantly creating or attracting drama, I simply quit that relationship. That’s the beauty of voluntary relationships. There’s no law that says you need to get drawn in and stick around.
And I’ve noticed there really are some people who seem to be drama magnets. They may not be creating it, but it sure seems to find them!
After what seems a lifetime of caring for children pets, and husband, I think I would be lost if I didn’t have someone to take care of