My life has been pretty peaceful since I started keeping to myself, but I’m feeling the itch to be more social again. I miss meeting new people, experiencing new things, and gaining fresh perspectives – but I’m also nervous about the potential chaos that can come with it.
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I mentioned how caustic Reddit is to my son and he pointed out a rule of thumb. The broader the audience, the ruder people are. The more specific the subreddit, the kinder and more supportive people are.
I knew this but hadn’t seen the rule in it. I think it applies to all sorts of interactions. If you make your friends in a wide open arena, where absolutely anyone can participate, then you’ll see drama. If you pick a small hobby club, you find that people are nice.
Also, watch for the red flags and don’t get close to people on the first encounter. Scope people out and let the relationship develop naturally.
When you meet people and spend some time with them, evaluate them for drama. spend time with the ones that bring the least drama.
If your friends are causing lots of drama, you need better/different friends. If you’re causing the drama or find you’re always entangled in it, some self-reflection might be in order.
I can say with complete honesty that none of my friends ever caused chaos or drama in my life. That’s not to say they never lived through dramatic events like breakup or deaths of loved ones or layoffs that they needed emotional support for, but that is not the same as social drama.
The senior citizens center in my northern New Jersey town can be a cool place to stop in for a free coffee, donut, good conversation and meet people. Everyone is old, and knows to leave their drama outside the door when they wipe their feet on the welcome mat.
There’s no dues, one can come and go as they please, and can even place an order and stay for the $3 lunch the county will deliver.
AND if you don’t drive or own a car the town’s senior citizens bus will transport you to and from. It’s always just a phone call away.
There are occasional ‘field trips’ to wineries, the movies, bowling and shopping outlets.
Are there cliques? Sure. It can sometimes, sometimes feel a bit like high school; the popular kids, the nerdy group, the jocks and the braggers – just older and wrinkled up.
Be selective who you let into your life. I keep people who seem to always have drama swirling around them out of my life. Truth is, when it comes to keeping your social circle decluttered, you have to be a bit of a jerk. If someone doesn’t fit, don’t let them in.
I moved in retirement and wanted to make friends so I joined this Facebook group. In the two years that I’ve been here at there have been three incidents where women have just been bat shit, crazy and attacked me. Of course they eventually attacked other others and when I say attack, I mean just verbally. So eventually, they left the group but damn there are a lot of crazy people out there.
i am looking forward to retirement next year and disengaging as much as humanly possible after 13 years in an international airport exposed to many things.
I’ve done it my whole life and it’s be friends with everyone and don’t participate in bad-mouthing and gossip. I never let myself be a go-between in friendships, so if someone has something to say about another friend, I’ll help you say it to that person, but that’s it.
Keep to myself and I love it
What social life? All of my friends have died!
When I was young I made a conscious choice to stop my drama addiction. I was attracted to it and I learned to separate healthy excitement and good times from DRAMA!! It seems you already learned that. Now it’s just a matter of discerning the kind of friendship/socializing that nourishes you.
Even at my age I am refining my socializing: trivia, art classes, joining an art collective, dancing with friends, love music, hiking and campfire gathering. There are so many welcoming spaces and people. Have fun!
I used to have a lot of close friends. Now I have acquaintances with significant shared history. Some have self destructed and others have destroyed our friendship over petty insecurities and personal issues.
What I have now is myself, and a dog. That’s as low end drama as it gets.
Yes, I want a social life. I would love to have a close friend or two.
What I’ve found is that as people age they get more ignorant of what it means to be a friend. Good friends become an extracurricular activity or a convenience, especially if you’re married.
I’m not married, I don’t have an SO or a ‘life partner’, and I’m on the back end of middle age.
No, I don’t want to have a significant friend relationship with you and your spouse. I don’t mind including them in certain things, but not everything. Shocking how these people are incapable of maintaining their own relationships outside their of their marriage.
I don’t think people really give a shit about friendships anymore until they either need one, or they’re looking for a replacement for a spouse.
The number of people that I encounter with serious behavioral or mental health issues is vastly more than the ones I encounter who are stable and well intentioned. 80% fucked up, and the 20% don’t see 1:1 friendships as a priority because they don’t need them.
As a result, I’m very cautious about introducing new people into my life. That probably comes off as guarded and closed off. The right person will get it intuitively and adapt. Until then, still open to the possibility but I’m in no hurry to fuck up my life over an emotional need.
I would not use social media as a nexus for building friendships/a social life. Meet people face-to-face. Do you still work? Have hobbies? Volunteer? All are good ways to meet others.
I find that now that I am older, there is less drama in my friend circle which mostly consists of people within 10 years (plus/minus) my age. IMO drama has passed by us now.
I walk away.If ignoring it can’t work, I move on.
If the drama comes from you, you can work on yourself. If it comes from others, you can work on the sort of people you’re drawn to. I know about chaos – my first wife had BPD. When I found out her diagnosis and suddenly understood what had happened to me for a couple decades, I told the people around me – 2 or 3 of them were like, “Oh, yeah, I have BPD too!”. So, I had a problem being drawn to people who thrive on creating chaos and drama and have to make a conscious effort to back away from the crazy folks.
Do you still get out and about? If so, visit a community center, church (if it’s your style), have early breakfast regularly at a nearby diner, join a charitable groups such as Habitat for Humanity which has seniors together inside warehouses putting together window frames & such, join a sewing group or book club, &/or communicate with others online, etc. These are ways you can choose when to be social and when not to be.
You can tell a lot about someone by what they complain or brag about. Loads of people love both. It’s probably the easiest way to start a conversation you can engage in. You can get an idea on how likely they are to justify doing something crappy. Keep an eye out if they praise or badmouth people or just their actions. See if they show empathy or stay locked in their world. Just remember people love to complain or brag but they have little patience for other people doing either.
Another thing you can try is to ask “What does your horoscope often get wrong about you?” You’ll get an idea how much they take astrology, and often religion, seriously. If it’s not near the same level you do I’d keep an eye out for other ways you may not be compatible. That person is on another plain of reality than you. Plus one way that people will unknowingly mention their bad traits is talking about astrology. Not everyone does it but plenty do.
I was gonna tell you the importance of encouragement vs discouragement but this this quick funny video explains it much better.
Last one. Use people’s names. Not extremely often. During a hello, one to two times in mid conversation and when you say goodbye works well. If you want people to be interested in you you gotta be interested in them. Using their name works well for showing you’re interested. If you don’t know someone’s name and don’t want to ask them or someone else I got two techniques. Have them introduce themselves to someone. If that’s not an option start a conversation about how you don’t like your drivers license picture. Most of the time this leads to someone showing you their license. You can also make a note of their birthday.
Avoid the people who bring the chaos.
I balance out by not having much of a social life. I’ve slowed down and really despise drama. I think people have watched too many reality shows and have changed what’s acceptable in public what’s not. At any rate we have a few friends in the hood and that’s good enough for me.
Don’t engage in drama. That is the way to stop it.