Disclaimer: it may be a long post.
So, I’m in a relationship with an older woman (I’m 28 she’s 32) and we fought so many times because she perceives I’m not as proactive as I should be, meaning I don’t plan activities for the both of us as much as she desires. While I understand her needs and I admit I could be so much better at this (and I’m actively trying to improve), I sometimes can’t shake the feeling that this need comes from the bias that a male should demonstrate through direct and decisive actions his feelings. For example planning a date without consulting his partner while delivering the smooth line “I’ll pick you up at 8, be ready”.
My questions are: do you guys are all very proactive planning activities with your partner, sometimes in a very “manly” and direct way?
If the answer is yes or also that this should be the right thing to do regardless if you manage to do it or not: what can I do to become better at this?
Sorry if this isn’t very well formatted and the theme isn’t very clear, I’ll clarify in the comments if it proves necessary
Comments
Oh lord…..a couple of things:
A 4 year gap does not mean you’re dating an older woman.
When you’re just dating, and the woman is already complaining that you don’t plan enough, it’s time to move on. She’ll never be satisfied.
I am. I try to be as decisive, proactive and confident as I can be.
Both because I like that, and because women like that.
So its a win win for me
That “I’ll pick you up at 8” is something I use quite often
>do you guys are all very proactive planning activities with your partner, sometimes in a very “manly” and direct way?
No. I want to know if she has that time free and if she fancies that I planned. I find the “Babes, 8 pm. Tomorrow. Be ready, and dress to impress” corny. I’m not in a fucking movie and I want her input. I don’t want to impose.
>what can I do to become better at this?
What you can do? Loads of things. What do you HAVE to do? Nothing. Don’t change for anyone.
If she wants a “Traditional man”, tell her that you want a “Traditional woman” too.
There’s no such thing as gender roles. Either you want to plan activities or you don’t. If she want you to plan more, it’s up to you to see if you want to or not and she needs to see if it’s up to her standards. If she aint satisfied, either you figure out if you want to go the extra mile or not.
Sounds like BS.
Im perplexed by some of the comments. “There’s no such thing as gender roles”. Really? Just because in someone’s opinion, they’re out dated or wrong doesn’t mean they aren’t a thing. Its also worth noting that the traditional gender roles that benefit women, men do heavy lifting, men provide income, men act chivalrous, etc. are still extremely important to a sizeable portion, maybe even a majority of heterosexual women.
Generally, women are more attracted to decisive, take charge, men. Even here on reddit women often complain about their ex or current SO being indecisive. Women view this as a sign of weakness. Like it or not, it’s reality for most women.
But, back to OP: the point of dating is finding someone that you’re compatible with. Maybe you and your girlfriend have different personality types. There’s nothing wrong with that. Don’t try to change yourself to please a woman. It doesn’t sound like you’re doing anything wrong, its just that what you have to offer isn’t what your girlfriend is looking for. There are lots of women out there. Im sure you can meet one who appreciates a more laid back, go with the flow, kind of guy.
Yeah I’ll plan activities. With her. By talking. Because I don’t ask to check her messages and get a recap of every conversation she had that day so I don’t know if she made other plans.
Any woman who wants you to do something involving her without communicating to her and says it’s a problem if you don’t is a bad partner. Use your big girl words or leave before I catch statutory charges.
I used to be deferential and ask for input deciding what to do on a date, but I learned a long time ago that many women will instantly loose interest in someone who is “indecisive.” It’s easy to plan a fun night out. Just do it!