Today theres a hole on my notebook & my pencil is lying on it, broke.
I am not clear what I want ask or how it will help me but I just want to know “what you would have done”. I can not change past, everyday I wish I should had shown courage but I guess I didn’t had any.
You know people who give advise [ you shouldn’t have done like this, you should had worked hard like your brother, look him/look them, do as I say, if I had worked hard I wouldn’t be here thats why I want to help you, I have given him because he deserves it not you, you should listen to what I am saying only I know because I failed many times ] all of this when I was b/w 4 to 13yrs (still there).
I used to thought they are right but as I grow up, at 20yrs I realised all of that was just general vomit “gyaan/jargon” that he would had heard from others, the words did not came out from his experience but just bcuz words sounds right. Those were not helping me nor helped me in past, done nothing benefit to my studies, life or anything else. Its like keep screamming to an athelit to run faster, to win from everyone rather than any actual, practical plan, trick, to focus.
I had removed them from my life but I can still hear it, the moment I try to focus on anything. I go on full argument with no one in my room. I am tired & it has affected all my life. I can’t do basic without walk, can’t think. I tried everything to fix myself.
What am I doing wrong?
bg:
At 22yr I ran away with no plan and some money I had saved from job, when thoughts become unbearable and possibly intrusive. I am in another city now at 24yr, done delivery job to waiter to sale to desk job(now), managed finance, health, studies, everything without asking for any help from anyone even lend money when others in need. For 1 yr, I was doing all of that and I never regreted it, not a single day, it was less painful from constant suffering in home. 7months back I was tracked by my parents. I wanted to end my life on that very day. Its been like this from that day. I can’t focus on anything. Lost the sale job bcuz I was too distracted in my job from all of these things around me( I do get black out a lot).
I want to write more but its endless inside my head.