Hello
I’m really looking for advice on what to do in my situation. I F33 have been with my husband M33 for 10 years married for four.
Without going too much into it because there’s alot my in laws clearly don’t like me. Maybe they do this with everyone they meet, I don’t know.
They have consistently left me out of family events, BBQs, evenings out, they didn’t come to my bachelorette or my husband’s bachelor party but came to the wedding. Barely speaking to me I might add.
I tried to be nice and trying to chat. I have a 3 question rule. Ask someone 3 questions that can be asked back to you and if they aren’t interested or have a chat back, I take it that they don’t want to talk to me. 9/10 it works but not with them.
Eventually we had a 1:1 with my parents in law and they said they never had an issue with me and that’s just ‘how they are.’ They only like to spend time with immediate family. They don’t look at me as immediate family.
Now, they want to come and visit us and stay. I’ve said to my husband, no because why should I have them in my home if they don’t see me as family??
Now my SIL (25F) has got involved and said she’d like to go out just the four of them. She has a partner and a baby but will leave them at home.
Now, I’m not close with my SIL, I can’t exactly reach out to her partner and ask ‘do you get treated like this too?’ Cause I don’t want him to snitch on me to her. My SIL is something else, she screams, she cries, she ignores me to my face, she barely speaks to me etc. We used to be close when my husband and I first got together but during the wedding planning she showed her true colours. Stamping her feet wanting it to be about her and because I wasn’t having any of it, i’m public enemy number one.
My husband won’t go NC but we have gone LC. My husband tries to explain to his parents / sister that it’s not okay how they are with me but they brush him off saying he’s overreacting.
I don’t really want them at my house and I’d like to go out. Maybe away for the weekend?
Honestly I don’t know what to do. I’m conflicted, should I just stay here and deal with being ignored or be overly friendly to piss them off or should I just go out and let them be with their son?
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Backup of the post’s body: Hello
I’m really looking for advice on what to do in my situation. I F33 have been with my husband M33 for 10 years married for four.
Without going too much into it because there’s alot my in laws clearly don’t like me. Maybe they do this with everyone they meet, I don’t know.
They have consistently left me out of family events, BBQs, evenings out, they didn’t come to my bachelorette or my husband’s bachelor party but came to the wedding. Barely speaking to me I might add.
I tried to be nice and trying to chat. I have a 3 question rule. Ask someone 3 questions that can be asked back to you and if they aren’t interested or have a chat back, I take it that they don’t want to talk to me. 9/10 it works but not with them.
Eventually we had a 1:1 with my parents in law and they said they never had an issue with me and that’s just ‘how they are.’ They only like to spend time with immediate family. They don’t look at me as immediate family.
Now, they want to come and visit us and stay. I’ve said to my husband, no because why should I have them in my home if they don’t see me as family??
Now my SIL (25F) has got involved and said she’d like to go out just the four of them. She has a partner and a baby but will leave them at home.
Now, I’m not close with my SIL, I can’t exactly reach out to her partner and ask ‘do you get treated like this too?’ Cause I don’t want him to snitch on me to her. My SIL is something else, she screams, she cries, she ignores me to my face, she barely speaks to me etc. We used to be close when my husband and I first got together but during the wedding planning she showed her true colours. Stamping her feet wanting it to be about her and because I wasn’t having any of it, i’m public enemy number one.
My husband won’t go NC but we have gone LC. My husband tries to explain to his parents / sister that it’s not okay how they are with me but they brush him off saying he’s overreacting.
I don’t really want them at my house and I’d like to go out. Maybe away for the weekend?
Honestly I don’t know what to do. I’m conflicted, should I just stay here and deal with being ignored or be overly friendly to piss them off or should I just go out and let them be with their son?
I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please contact the moderators of this subreddit if you have any questions or concerns.
I feel like they likely didn’t realize you were bothered by it until the confrontation. Because now suddenly they want to visit.
I’d let them and see how they are. Chances are, they will improve since I see this as their attempt to get closer. But if not, then you know to brush them off in the future. However based on what u wrote they seem incredibly rude so take it in stride.
Parents-in-law, sure, let them stay with you. SIL and her husband and baby, no way. She’s already planning to exclude you
My husband’s family never were interested in getting to know me. It was always for cultural reasons and I never took it personally at first, but I always felt that once they got to know you then, it was personal. We married a little bit later in life, and so when our kids came along, there weren’t any cousins at that age. So they all pretty much just ignored our children too. There would be the occasional hostile outburst at me, mostly from my BIL‘s wife. I decided a few years in, what my boundaries are with people who aren’t interested in me. As the children have gotten older, I don’t really go to any thing they invite us to. My husband goes by himself and takes the children or skips it. I have no anger towards them, no animus, but life is too short to spend it with people who simply don’t want you.
Your house your rules. You are in no way obligated to host people who make you uncomfortable. Your husband needs to be better though….
Yah you can ignore me all you want anywhere else but what you won’t do is bring that disrespect to my home. Also WHY is your husband allowing the disrespect?? And why hasn’t he told them straight-up: You cannot stay in my home because of how you treat my wife. I will not allow my wife to be ignored in her own home!
>should I just go out and let them be with their son?
You stay right in your home. They can visit their son all they want, just not at your home. They can get a hotel or stay with SIL. Hmmmm, I wonder why they aren’t staying with SIL? Bet her husband said absolutely not
This is a husband problem. He should have already taken the lead on establishing norms and maintaining boundaries with his family. He is likely framing the problem to them as “Wife is upset at the way you are treating her” rather than “I am upset with the way you treat Wife.” The second one would have resulted in boundaries/consequences.
The fact that you feel pushed out of your home is evidence that he has not advocated adequately thus far. Low-contact VS no-contact, it sounds like he is just avoiding conflict and unfortunately the result is disloyalty to you in the form of emotional abandonment. It should bother him that you feel pushed out of the home that you share, ask yourself why won’t he take responsibility for that. He’s willing to sacrifice your emotional well-being to avoid being uncomfortable with his family. It’s a break of trust and is harming the marriage.
I would let them come stay just so I could talk to dude while they are out.
Who cares if he snitches. It’s not like it will hurt anything at this point. You have nothing to lose. You do have something to gain though and that is a partner in crime when it comes to dealing with the family.
While your husband doesn’t have to go NC — guess what? YOU CAN!! You are stressing so much about this. Your peace and well being is far more important than you think! No, they can’t come spend time taking up your free accommodations while ignoring you! NO!
I would deal with it by telling my husband that he either chooses his wife or the people disrespecting her regularly.
What kind of a man watches his family do this to his wife and refuses to go NC?
Now your husband wants to host these people so they can disrespect you in your own home.
I personally wouldn’t be with someone who doesn’t have my back. What’s the point of marriage if your spouse can’t even back you up when other people are hurting you?
That’s a hard no for me. I won’t be hosting people that ignore me in my own home. They already said they don’t consider you family. They can book a hotel. Also, don’t babysit or offer to entertain BIL while they go do family stuff without you. If they want to fix it with you, they need to invite you to come to their side, not invade safe space.
You need to be clear with your husband. “They are not staying here.”
Tell them you only let immediate family stay in your home and that it would make you too uncomfortable. But if your husband doesn’t back you up, don’t give the power to drive you out of your home. And if he let’s them come, they have to include you in all activities, or no go.