Maybe some of you here are familiar with the following situation. Let‘s say my girlfriend is upset about something unrelated to me, for example some sort of social situation at work .
Then I often arrive at this point: she tells me the story, while she tells the story I make some clarifying questions and some immediate comments, so we basically Talk about it already. Then, after she is finished, I often don’t have much more to say about these stories, because from my perspective they are usually not something one should bother themselves too long with, or they are open to Interpretation, ie the whole story hinges on her interpreting something as having mean intent against her without knowing that it has.
So usually I don’t say much more after she finished, which then upsets her and she tells me that I should just say something, anything.
But i know from past experience that this is not to be taken literally, as if I say what I think, that often these things might not be such a big deal, she will be upset with me.
Do you know this kind of situation? What do you do? Should i just ‚lie‘ by acting as if I assign the same emotional meaning to these stories as her? Or is there maybe something i could say that is closer to the truth without upsetting her?
Comments
She wants you to empathize. Don’t solve anything unless she specifically asks.
She needs to learn not to treat her boyfriend as though he were one od her girl friends
A therapist once told me, in a lesson to teach medical students how to communicate with patients, that often the best thing to say is:”I can only imagine how you are feeling”. People need support and empathy. Don’t need you to find them a solution, they will deal with it eventually. They don’t even want you to say:”I know how you feel”. They might feel like you are projecting yourself in their struggles. Just try to listen and be there for her acknowledging her struggles
One of my favourite comedy sketches of all time and basically what you describe
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-4EDhdAHrOg
> I often don’t have much more to say about these stories, because from my perspective they are usually not something one should bother themselves too long with, or they are open to Interpretation,
She wants an ear to vent to and whether you think they are worth bothering with she clearly does, it’s basic empathy – you don’t have to accept another persons viewpoint to try and emphasise from it, reframe it from “why is she telling me thing I don’t really need to know about/wouldn’t bother me” to “This person I care about is bothered enough to tell me about it so I should listen because it helps her and I care about her”.
Resist the urge to problem solve unless she directly asks you to – it’s really about been seen more than anything in my experience.
“from my perspective…..”
that is the issue here.
Use a Forrest Gump voice and say, “That’s all I have to say about that.” But don’t actually say anything before it.
>How do you deal with ‚say something, anything‘ ?
There is a HUGE misconception about talking these days. Just like people are not obligated to do things for you they never promised nor owe you actions in their interest the moment you want/expect them; just like that, they do not owe you verbal communication whenever you find it most convenient to talk. Especially when it comes to confrontational stuff people have different times the need to organize their thoughts so the confrontation can actually lead anywhere. But if the other person simply refuses them to give the time they need… tbh thats not any different from a partner pushing to have sex NOW.
> Then, after she is finished, I often don’t have much more to say about these stories, because from my perspective they are usually not something one should bother themselves too long with, or they are open to Interpretation, ie the whole story hinges on her interpreting something as having mean intent against her without knowing that it has.
I’ll link you to a sketch about that. People have different goals when talking about stuff. A lot of guys are looking for something productive to respond to that and a lot of women just want the other person to imagine how it felt to be in that situation. Both legitimate perspective which IMO “should” (big word) be mutually compatible… provided both parties are aware of this and make both of these things their goal.
Telling someone “that’s not a big deal” when they’re upset is usually a bad move. (even if you think it’s true)
One thing that might help is briefly summarizing your earlier comments once she’s done. She might have been focused on telling the story and not fully picked up on your reactions at the time.
To me, “say something, anything” often sounds more like “please show me you care” than a literal request.
As u/JJQuantum already said don’t try to solve anything that isn’t requested. (at least for day-to-day stuff)