I discovered porn when I was very young and I remember two of my friends in middle school showing me BDSM stuff and saying they wanted to try it and I got so scared…but secretly found it arousing for some reason. Then in highschool, I got more comfortable actually searching for porn and watching R rated movies.
I was already a horror fan so I got into watching really messed up disturbing horror movies. One genre of disturbing horror movies is of course anything sexually violent and mostly, of course again, towards women. So this is just what I continuously exposed myself to because there wasn’t anything else.
Then I searched for more and more specific things that I’m fairly certain are due to my daddy issues (you can imagine the stuff I’m talking about) but not just the loving side of things, but the abusive, forceful, punishing, violent side. I didn’t want to kink shame myself or be negative about it, but I also felt like what I was watching was dirty and wrong and unhealthy.
I don’t watch porn all that regularly. Maybe every 2 months if that. Like I can’t remember the last time I actually watched any. But I still think it’s weird that I can’t enjoy it unless there is an element of abuse in it. This has sadly appeared in real life too. I don’t get turned on unless my partner is rough with me. I almost feel guilty if he shows me loving energy. Which is so weird to me. He is also the very loving type. Like he wants to cuddle and doesn’t even like spanking me because he’s worried it hurts, and I’m like, that’s the point! I want it to hurt!
But why… I think this shame I have about the stuff that turns me on truly messes with me, and I’m not sure if it’s even warranted. Because I genuinely do believe it’s fine if people participate in kinks where all involved are fully grown adults and know what they’re getting themselves into and it’s all consent-based and everyone is educated on what it is they are doing. Yet, I also know the porn industry is awful and the degrading stuff out there isn’t actually helping women – but it’s poisoning the minds of teenage boys who think that’s normal.
It’s all too complicated and I need to untangle all of it but I don’t know where I myself stand.
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>I almost feel guilty if he shows me loving energy. Which is so weird to me…because he’s worried it hurts, and I’m like, that’s the point! I want it to hurt!
I had an ex girlfriend who was like this (im also a woman) and if i can be honest, now that were split, i feel like its given me sexual trauma. She always wanted things to be rough, and I would try to do these things to make her happy, but now i feel like my wires are crossed and i feel almost ashamed to want to have loving sex with another woman.
All that to say, we focus a lot on making sure we dont ‘kink shame’ anyone, but ive honestly experienced so much shame from people who are into kink and cant wrap their head around why im not.
Im saying this because, maybe you two arent sexually or emotionally compatible, which is whatever. But just remember just because ‘youre the one’ having these mental issues of not getting kink and not feeling satisfied because of this, your partner likley has his own internal world full of ‘similar’ feelings towards you, just situationally inverse. (like he wishes you guys could just have loving, ‘normal’ sex)
Well, this seems like something you’d work out with a therapist. I know some specialize in sex.
Therapy with a sex positive focus, there are some good books that look at the psychology of kink/BDSM and the safety practices involved, and if they’re any LGBTQ+/feminist oriented adult stores in your area they might have classes that can be helpful. Start with the foundation of affirmative consent, educate yourself, and be gentle with yourself. Our understanding of sexuality and the brain are primitive at best, there’s no clear answer why people like what they like-find out what empowers and feels right to you. Set very clear boundaries with all partners and do not put up with them being violated. Kick shitheads to the curb immediately. Be safe.
Watching porn at a young age can shape the way we think about sex in our adulthood, and not in a positive way. I started watching porn at 9 years old (stopped when I was 20) and I realized the way I thought about sex (performative, aroused immediately, women don’t enjoy sex) was unrealistic when you’re actually with a person and I’m still unlearning them. But that also doesn’t mean that what you’re into is not valid either. There’s nothing wrong with liking a little pain as long as it’s consensual.
There is an excellent Contrapoints video essay that delves into the psychology and philosophy of women’s romance fiction and erotica. It’s quite illuminating and might help you think about your own relationship to sex and what feelings might drive those fantasies. It doesn’t really look at modern porn, but that might be a good thing in your case, since you have such conflicted feelings about it.
I’m not sure if I’m allowed to link, just look up “contrapoints twilight” and you should be able to find it. Twilight books are the focus of the essay, but it’s really just an examination of the author’s own sexually repressed feelings, how they leak out in the books and how they relate to common feminine erotic themes throughout the last few hundred years of women’s authorship.
There’s nothing wrong with liking what you like, but don’t make the mistake of getting into an abusive relationship. It’s fine to like it rough, but it needs to be consensual, and there needs to be respected safe words.
What happens in the bedroom needs to stay in the bedroom.
So, if you see a domestic violence scene in a movie, do you get turned on? If so, therapy. If not, kink is a kind of sexuality and most therapist don’t qualify interest in it as abnormal. Abnormal would be criminal acts or voyeuristic types without consent. I asked about the domestic violence thing because there can be overlap and it’s a good way to tell if you need to address it.
Find someone who matches your kink. Really. Didn’t spend the rest of your days feeling guilty when you could feel satisfied
I explore safe kink with friends and my partner! I also question the media and porn industry a lot. I talk about safe practices and I research media influence and talk about that too.
Do you ever get romantic and tender sexual feelings? I find I like both intense kink and tender and loving, but I am a romantic person. Even though I’m romantic I absolutely would rather have a dominate loving partner than just a straight loving partner.
I do know there are people who don’t get turned on by romance specifically, and it’s an actual sexual identity. I think it’s called aromantic. Where people only like kink or sex but not all the juicy tenderness.
There are also different types of “doms” people look for. For me I like “soft doms”
I didn’t have “daddy issues” or early trauma, and I still ended up being quite into BDSM, so it’s hard to say that one thing or another definitely causes our sexual inclinations. Either way, there’s no reason to feel shameful about what you stated, desire doesn’t always follow logic.
What helped me was starting to separate what I’m sexually into from what I’m emotionally seeking. Sometimes they overlap, but not always. Sometimes it’s healthy, sometimes it isn’t. You can be into power exchange, degradation, or pain without it being unhealthy—as long as it’s consensual, informed, and emotionally safe. It might look like abuse from the outside, but it doesn’t have to be if it’s built on trust and respect.
All of this is worth talking to a therapist about, especially in terms of working through trauma separately from your sexual interests. It’s totally okay not to like vanilla sex, but not liking any tenderness or affection might point to some emotional avoidance. You don’t have to “fix” your kinks, but it’s valuable to understand what’s serving you and what’s sustainable. I personally love rough sex, but I also love affection, and I’ve found a space for both. You don’t have to, but it’s worth asking why tenderness, especially non-sexual intimacy, feels uncomfortable.
As for porn, I have mixed feelings too. I mostly avoid mainstream stuff now, it just doesn’t sit right with me. I usually stick to amateur Reddit, where it feels less exploitative. You’re allowed to explore what you like and still want to be ethical and intentional about it. That conflict doesn’t make you a hypocrite.
I read a fascinating article abt this subject with some great feminist minds weighing in. Of course I can’t find it.
But I will say that one of those interviewed said these fantasies exist wherever power structures exist. Perfectly normal and a result of your culture, not a pathology, not related to previous abuse or exposure to porn.
Like what you like and try not to overthink it. Most importantly, enjoy your life. Enjoy yourself.
Sometimes we fantasize about things as a way of exploring ideas in a way that is safe. Like, it’s precisely because we wouldn’t ever want to experience it in real life that makes it a powerful fantasy. And to be clear, your partner being rough with you still counts as fantasy because you trust them and know that you’re safe.
“Shame”. Shame is not the only reason to choose to stop exposing yourself to something. In fact, its a bad reason, esp in the context of taboo where shame can actually be a turn on, imho.
But realizing that you are an adult and you just dont like something, just dont want to be exposed to it because you think it might do damage, is okay.
By the same token, what you enjoy in the bedroom is NEVER shameful, as long as you ssc. In fact, you may find that once you stop feeling ashamed about these things, they end up becoming, well, less exciting.
I thought about hurting another person, and how messed up you would have to be to want to do that… And I got the ick for the guys that wanted to do that to me.
Spent lots of time normalizing normal sex. Looked back at previous experiences and realized those people didn’t care about me AT ALL.
Realized that I want to feel safe with someone no matter what, and allowing them to harm me is not the way to fulfill that need.