I have never really wanted a family to raise, but I must admit I have romanticised the idea. Sometimes I see things and hear people talking about their purpose being fulfilled etc. etc. But I also don’t want to be tied down or enter a “no going back” thing with so much responsibility. I’ve been told by people that I’d “make a great father,” which feels nice to hear, but I don’t think that’s a reason to have kids
I’m 31 and feel like I need to decide pretty soon whether or not it’s something I want.
Is it possible to be unsure and then later on regret/not regret? I don’t think I feel strongly about it enough to know.
I do wish I could have kids after 40 rather than in my 30s, but then I know it’s harder for so many more reasons. And I never wanted a big generational gap (like I was raised with), but I feel like that will be a given now anyway.
Comments
Please do not delete your post after receiving your answer. Consider leaving it up for posterity so that other Redditors can benefit from the wisdom in this thread.
Once your thread has run its course, instead of deleting it, you can simply type “!lock” (without the quotes) as a comment anywhere in your thread to have our Automod lock the thread. That way you won’t be bothered by anymore replies on it, but people can still read it.
I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please contact the moderators of this subreddit if you have any questions or concerns.
If you don’t 1000% want to have kids, then the answer is “no”.
If you have any doubts about it, the answer is “no”.
My financial capabilities
My health
My willingness to commit for the next 18 years
I’m 35 and I’ve never really wanted kids. Sure, 1:1 I can pretend to be good with kids and can put on a face that I’m “enjoying” it, but frankly I get annoyed by way too many of the behaviors, constant questions and repetitiveness to ever want one of my own. I also like that I can play Uncle with my friend’s kids for an hour or two, then go home to my nice, quiet house.
There’s also the valuing freedom, money and not having the stress.
On the flip side, some people just somehow know they want to be parents and love it, but I guess I missed out on that gene.
I mean if its something youve not had a desire to do previously and you have no feelings either way now…
Im 50 and in the 90’s I took a look at the world and decided it wasnt one I wanted to bring children into, absolutely no regrets given the state of things now. Ive been a “cool Uncle” and helped my mates out with theirs. Im happy with my life and the freedom Ive afforded myself.
100% of my friends who had kids and were ambivalent, regret that decision.
You guys decide? I still don’t understand how my girlfriend keeps getting pregnant.
I’ve never felt the pull to fatherhood, so after a decade of thinking about it, I went through with my vasectomy today.
My sister has a kid, and the kid is precocious and wonderful, but even she has repeatedly validated my decision to live a childfree life. Being a parent is a LOT.
I never got the choice. Ether way, enjoy that you can have the choice now and keep it that way. There’s no right or wrong on this
Do you have the option to have a kid right now? You say it like you can go out tomorrow and pick one up. Do you have a girlfriend/wife who wants to have a child with you?
Kids are the best joy in life, but hard work, and even harder with the wrong partner. With the wrong partner you will bump heads in raising them, as a man you will most likely have to pay child support if it doesn’t work out which is a nightmare in itself, especially in today’s world. I know a man who partied it up his whole life , slept around , had fun, but as he got older and that just wasnt feasible anymore, he finds himself retired , no family, no wife, no kids, no one to take care of him, no one to spend time with , no grand kids, hes very lonely and I can tell he regrets the way he lived his life.
My children are my world but their mother is a wreck. It has made my life hell. Financially, mentally, emotionally, hell. I wouldn’t trade it for anything I love my children. They are smart, funny, beautiful, and they are a piece of me. They give my life purpose. I’ll have grandkids one day hopefully.
40 is too old if you can avoid it. No disrespect to anyone pushing 40 or in their 40’s, I mean if thats how it happens thats how it happens. Ideally you don’t want to be 50 when your kid is 10, if you can help it. I had my first at 28 and I think that is perfect. I did enough drugs and alcohol in my 20’s I got it out of my system. Im young enough (35) and healthy enough to play with them, skatepark, sports, adventures, etc.
I did not plan either child, I was definitely not at a point in my life where I should have had children, but having them made me grow up real quick. They essentially saved my life. I was bad into drugs and alcohol and I could not look myself in the mirror anymore being a degenerate father to those awesome kids.
Ultimately this is only a question that you can answer. Everyone is different and no one knows who you are. I did not plan my kids and I do not regret having them. I work with a guy who told me once he hated his son and wish he never had him because he reminds him so much of himself. The fact that you’re entertaining it and actually care enough to seek advice tells me you’re a decent person. 31 is definitely not too old. I would only recommend yes if you have a good woman you can trust completely, you love, and she loves you. No poor history with each other, no arguing, no cheating, no drug and alcohol issues, good jobs/careers/stable income, financially ok (no high debt), good support system, a good environment to raise the kid.
The best advice I can give you to figure it out for yourself would be to write out on paper how your life will play out and use visualization. Do you have a bunch of stuff you want to accomplish in life that a child would get in the way of it? Ultimately making you resent them possibly. Are you selfish, your time is really no longer your time, most everything you do (if you’re a good father) will be structured around your family. You have a new born, you’re not going out to the bars every night, you’re not seeing your buddies every day/weekend. Your money that you can blow on whatever is going towards your family. School, sports, parties, extracurriculars, your time is theirs.
Or, no kids and you live your life for you and thats that. You don’t get to experience the aforementioned and you essentially die alone unless you have a partner at the time. No one to carry your family name on , unless you have siblings.
You have to know what you want out of life . You only have one life. I hope this helps.
A proven stable relationship and financial stability were what I waited for.
I love my kid. If I could go back in time I would have her again.
But it’s hard work, your wants goes on the back burner for 18years/rest of your life.
If you don’t know for sure then don’t.
Your wife tells you.
Yeah you sure sound like you don’t want kids, man. If you know you know. It’s not that complex.
I think for me realizing you’re selfless enough to prioritize another being in place of you always coming first is a big first step.
Just turned 35 and it took me being with someone who can’t have kids to also make me realize my desire to want to have kids for myself.
I decided when I was in my early 20s I didn’t want kids and before that I was in two minds about it in my late teens.
I come from a shit family, who I have no contact or support off, been like that since I was 19. I’ve always felt like a misfit. It’s financially irresponsible.
Why would I bring a kid into the world, when I can’t guarantee a better life for them?
I kind of wanted kids in the abstract, but never right now. Then at 33, my wife wanted one asap, and that was part of the deal when we got married.
So we had one. For the first nine months I thought, “what kind of lunatic does this twice?” And then all of a sudden she started to crawl and talk to me, and she just kept going, and it went from a burden to a joy. And I’m generally happier now that I have a purpose beyond being good at my profession and taking periodic, extravagant trips.
So to answer your question and respond to some other comments, I think some ambivalence is natural and not a deal breaker at all. In fact, I’m literally writing this from the delivery room waiting for our second to pop out. I can’t wait.