I (27F) have my dating my partner (26M) – and things are going great. Dating him is like a fairy tale. I never want with him. We communicate well, I trust him completely and overall have no complaints.
My biggest issues stem from being in relationships my entire life where I was never treated right, emotionally abused/manipulated, cheated on, dumped while engaged, etc.
Sometimes he does small things that bother me, that set off my CPTSD and anxiety. He’s out of town right now. I have no fears or worries about him cheating, or that he’s gonna leave when he gets back. What I feel isn’t a fear of things being “wrong” or anything like that. because it’s him. If it was my past relationships I would.
But I never know when to bring up small problems. I’m so used to being made to feel awful, or crazy, or ending up in a huge fight or argument when I expressed any sort of discomfort or frustration in my past. He has never made me feel that way. However, I am TERRIFIED that i will push him away, or upset him if I start “nagging” about small things. I just don’t wanna ruin it.
For example – he’s on a work trip right now. I know he has been STUPID busy. I know he hasn’t had a lot of time to sit down. I also know he’s exhausted and sleeps whenever he can. I’m sure he also needs time to decompress when he does have time to stop for a second.
The first day he called, send me flight info, called me on the road, etc etc. The second day I barely heard from him and my short good morning, hope your day is good, love you message went unanswered. We barely spoke that day. He didn’t tell me he was flying or that he landed, only knew because I got the notification. the third day we texted more and I started to feel a little better, we called a few times, things seemed great, flirty, fun joking around, all normal. And today my can’t wait to see you, love you (this is all it says) (he comes home tonight) message goes completely unanswered. Then I get “at airport” nothing else. I double check on return time so I can pick him up, and he just says “time of landing” and nothing more. Two messages, no response to can’t wait to see you, no additional information, just “at airport” “time”. And it just ?? I don’t know. It makes me spiral.
I know that he’s a good guy, I’m not distrusting of him, and I’m sure he’s just busy and exhausted or just needs time to sit and relax, or maybe taking a nap, I don’t know. I know that the fear and anxiety and irritation this causes is most likely from my past. And I’m trying to adjust and learn. To not compare. To understand that he’s not my past relationships. To remember all the lovely and good and I know for a fact that when I see him in person it’s gonna be awesome. But… It does hurt my feelings. You can’t take two seconds to say you’re also excited to get home, or say “I love you too” or anything.
But my main problem is I don’t know when to say something. I don’t know how to tell if I’m actually upset and want to address something, or if I’m just being anxious. How do I determine if I actually need to express myself or just let it slide and cut slack? How do I know if I actually don’t like something or if I’m just projecting from my past. I don’t want to end up in a position where I don’t voice myself and then months down the road it finally builds to something more. I just… I don’t know. I’m happy, I feel loved, I’m in love, I know he loves me – i know his actions aren’t a reflection of any type of deeper problem. But also like.. it’d be nice if you could say “can’t wait to see you too” or anything.
When do you know if something is actually a problem vs. your brain just being silly?
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I mean….he probably figured that you having the itinerary was sufficient to know when he was flying, landing, etc.
And he was working and busy.
I guess the whole I miss you I’m so excited to see you thing after being gone 3 days just seems kind of silly to me.
I travel for work. I kiss my partner goodbye and see him when I get home. Maybe a good morning or good night message or if my flights get screwed up I’ll let him know.
You can certainly have a discussion about what comms you prefer on a trip like this and what he prefers. But spiraling? I don’t know that I’d share that. It’s kind of a red flag.
You need therapy to work on addressing your past issues & how to tell the difference between “you” problems that you need to fix on your own and “us” problems, that are actual relationship issues. Therapy will also help you to manage your anxiety so it doesn’t impact your relationship.
It sounds like you didn’t set expectations for communication before he left.
This doesn’t need to be a problem. You can say before the next one “I’d like a text when you land,” or “can I get a heads up if we’ll be out of contact all evening?” or whatever it is that you need. If you both know what you need/can offer then there’s nothing to worry about.
I am the same way… How do you know what’s worth bringing up and what stuff to brush off? Its a tough balance to find.
However, if you neglect the little things… When a lot of those smaller stuff pile up, in accumulation can turn into it feeling large.
My baseline is paying attention to our average circumstances in comparison to unaverage circumstances.
Something like a trip for example… Not your every day average circumstances. Things are going to be different during those moments. So, I am not going to get worked up about it too much if things are different because its expected to be different.
Sure, staying in touch, talk to you when we can, keep each-other updated… Goes a long way and a default to expect.
But nit picking the minor stuff like him shooting a basic simple text that he arrived somewhere just to keep the loop going. I would honestly probably do the same myself.
Stuff like “K, heading home now” its only a text so you are aware of the update. The whole “Omg, I missed you so much. I am so happy to see you” that energy will be saved for when I see you in person. Right now, I just got into my car, about to drive home, or got to the airport, need to figure out where my terminal is.
Because the problem with what you’re expecting here… You’re equally responsible to go:
>Okay, have a good flight! I can’t wait to see you! I love you and miss you.
If you’re not saying it yourself in those moments, he’s not solely responsible for making that energy happen.
And frankly… He’s probably just shooting off a simple text to keep you posted meanwhile he is super busy himself.
As I said… I will pick at stuff that is our every day average circumstances. When someone is travelling, that’s not your baseline. Sure, talk where we can is important. But bottom line things are going to be off the mark because you’re both doing different things during this timeframe.
In conclusion.
I think I would give this one a pass. Not make it into a serious conversation. Maybe give it a nudge if you really want to. But I wouldn’t make a hill to die on. Something to brush off and pay more attention to the stuff that occurs when you two are living your everyday lives, not the external moments such as travelling.
Reason for this… Because you’re quoting a lot about how its in regards to trauma, mental health, etc… Stuff you’re personally responsible for, ya know? Maybe this is an inward moment to look at, not a him moment to look at.
I think it might just be your brain being silly and worrying, which is totally normal especially with CPTSD. It sounds like you are struggling more with the feeling of being nervous to rock the boat more than the specific issue at hand. It might be more helpful to sit with these feelings of being scared to make him upset. Think about it–if you calmly bring up an issue you are having whether it is something logical or more emotionally driven, the response he gives you says more about himself and his ability to have space for your feelings than whether or not your feelings are valid. I hope this makes sense. If you address the problem you’re having in a calm, respectful way, whatever reaction he has to it will tell you whether or not he is a safe person and a good partner for you.
That being said, you should probably manage your expectations of how much he can do to soothe and resolve your anxiety as that is more of a personal internal journey. Ideally he is understanding and reassuring. good luck!