Let’s say you’re just reaching out to see how they’re doing or trying to catch up—nothing flirtatious or personal, just a friendly check-in. Would it be better or more respectful to text the husband first, or is it okay to contact the wife directly?
I’m asking from a place of wanting to be thoughtful and avoid crossing any boundaries. What’s generally considered respectful in this kind of situation?
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Let’s say you’re just reaching out to see how they’re doing or trying to catch up—nothing flirtatious or personal, just a friendly check-in. Would it be better or more respectful to text the husband first, or is it okay to contact the wife directly?
I’m asking from a place of wanting to be thoughtful and avoid crossing any boundaries. What’s generally considered respectful in this kind of situation?
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Depends on which one I know better, and/or which one is more likely to respond.
Probably never.
Why not text them both? You can have multiple recipients for a text message
Depends which you know better, if it’s not clear it’s probably safer to text the husband(assuming OP is male)
Text the husband.
Husband
You can’t. Socially this is not acceptable. As the man, you are “paired” with the other man for all communications to play it safest.
If the person that I need to contact is the wife, as the topic is most relevant to the wife, and I have the contact details for the wife, then I will just contact the wife. Myself and my friends are not so insecure in our marriages as to be concerned about completely innocent cross gender communication. Their wives will also directly contact me, and husbands will directly contact my wife, if the situation calls for it. We are all friends. I find it a little baffling how inappropriate some on here think that is.
If it is a concern, why not use a group chat?
Way too vague of a question honestly, without knowing you/them/duration and nature of friendship. Did you meet them both at the same time? Is the husband potentially vengeful or paranoid? Too many variables.
But my default response for things like this is, if you have to ask Reddit if you should do something, don’t.
I don’t ever text someone’s wife. If I want to know how they are doing, I ask my friend “hey, how are you and the wife doing” or something similar.
I’m sure there are many people that wouldn’t have a problem with it and many that would. Instead of guessing, why don’t you just ask your friend… Hey, can I text your wife.
Depends on the friends really. If I was initially friends with the wife, I’m more likely to contact the wife. If I was initially friends with husband, I’m more likely to contact the husband. But also, if the contact is more pertinent to one over the other, I’ll contact who it’s most relevant to. And in the case of one couple, I just contact the one most likely to pick up the phone or text back in a reasonable amount of time.
In the rare chance I met them after they got together, then replace person I knew first with person I have the best connection with.
you should make a group chat with the two
I’m friends with a couple and have even stayed in their guest room when visiting. I don’t think I have ever once texted the husband for anything. I’m just better friends/have more in common with his wife.
I do talk to wives but tbh in a very chill non threatening manner and usually I start by sending some meme or some recipe that I think they would like. Usually that gets the ball rolling for some small talk. If they know you are not flirting they are more receptive to talk and they tend to know if you are maybe by how you talk or body language when you meet face to face.
Don’t do that. I text my friend’s wives directly only when planning activities for kids, bdays, etc.
Husbands because it’s their family.
Only time I text just the wife would be for coordination purposes when our spouses are at work and we aren’t.
“What would you like us to bring to the bbq” type stuff. Or meeting up with kids at the park kind of thing.
Other than that we do group chat s just because it is easier(and more fun “getting all sassy” as my wife puts it)
Only time I text my buddies wife is if she texts me first. He’s notoriously bad at texting back so sometimes I’ll do a group text if I need an answer soon cuz I know his wife will reply faster. I never text her separately, it’s disrespectful to him
If it’s a couple that me and my wife met together, I wouldn’t message the wife only the husband and I’d tell my wife if I ever needed or had messaged the other wife.
I’ve gone to playdates with other mums before but my wife has set it up or given me the number to contact.
I generally have no reason to message another woman and if I did I’d ask my partner to message them for me or give me the number
Obviously If I’ve met them at work or something and it had been a friendship I’d built on my own or my partner isn’t involved in, I’d message them whenever I wanted to but I would still tell my wife as part of our daily catch ups.
Depends entirely on the couple.
A couple options
Text the husband.
Have your wife (apologies if that’s an incorrect assumption) text his wife.
Group chat.
Text the wife and make a point of bringing it up the next time you talk to him.
Tf you mean a friendly check in? You sound like a total creep.
Why not text both in the same chat? That seems more normal.
It’s something that your mate is going to know. If it’s harmless, then your mate isn’t going to get offended by you texting his wife directly.
call both of them for a meet.
I suggest you start with texting them both and let the conversation develop from there. Sometimes my husband and I have had checkin chats with friends here and there. We usually both respond and then whoever wants to continue on with the chat does. It’s how I do checkin chats too. I never want a wife to feel a hint of being uncomfortable with me texting her husband, regardless of us having been friends for years. I don’t try to second guess someone else’s boundaries. It’s just more reasonable to text them both.
sometimes i text my coupled friends in a lil chat together to check in. they text me separately afterwards
The Mrs is always texting and talking to guys on our pool team, one of their wives referred to her as her husbands “pool” wife the other day.
It’s all good, she texts and talks to them in front of me, I normally turn up the television to let her know other rooms might be quieter. I could do the same, it’s just phones shit me, I prefer talking in person.
Depends on them, some couples we have a group chat with and some it’s two chats.
If it’s hey is ‘bob’ ok I’m worried or it’s his birthday what can I do to help. That’s fine.
If it’s you looked really good today, maybe skip it.
In the 1800’s, maybe husband first. Today, after only meeting them once, you can call either (or whatever number you have).
Disclaimer: I’m European not American.
Not appropriate at all. You can set the pace for courtesy and respect.
Depends on who was/is my friend. I’ll reach out to couple A through her first simply because I knew her first. That doesn’t mean he would never hear from me. For couple B, I get a hold of him because vice versa. That’s how I see it, but I’m also (not accusing OP) completely respectful of relationships. If couple A or B said they can’t speak to me anymore, SO says no, I’ll back off but know I’ll be here to help you pick up the pieces. No sleeping around, I won’t complicate things, but if you wanna watch an old anime or whatever, my number is there.
I just treat women like regular people, and it hasn’t caused any issues that I know of. If I have something to say to them, I’ll say it to them. If I have something to say relevant to both of them, I’ll text both.
I don’t think I have any friends sensitive enough for this to be an issue. YMMV.
I have a group chat with two of my friends called third-wheeling. the guy was my roommate in college, but is way worse at responding, so it’s pretty much just me and her talking regularly and occasionally he’ll chime in. I’ll be a groomsman at their wedding this Saturday.
Group chat is the answer because then everything is open. Some people wouldn’t be comfortable with it otherwise.
Did I know the husband first and I’m closer with him? I’d text him first. Do I know the woman better? I’d text her. Is it relevant to them both? I’d text them both.
Have you been out of touch for a while? For a general, friendly check in just group text them both
Just write to the person you are trying to reach.
The only scenario where someone would object to this is if they are in an extremely absusive relationship where the wife is treated as property instead of a person. And in this case you number one priority should be to try to reach out to the woman and get her help so she can get out from it.
If it is a text you are ok showing your partner, and on her showing her partner, there should be no issue
I’d say it’s respectful to consider her not his property.
I just message anyone i like, i’m a grown up who doesn’t want anything or have an agenda in doing so.
Odds are that she will tell their husband that she got a message from me if he knows me either way.
If you want to text someone, text them? Not sure whats the issue?
Definitely text the husband. She is his property after all and obviously the only thing a man could want to text her about is getting into her knickers.
This is sarcasm.
If I were a woman, and inclined to text a married man, I would SMS both him and his wife. It has nothing to do with considering him her property. It’s about covering my own ass. I can’t be accused of anything nefarious if I’m insuring she sees all of our interactions.
I just text the person I knew first. Or if you met them as a couple then message the one you know better or if you’re unsure, both.
Don’t make it weird though. Like don’t be blowing up the wife constantly.
Unless you need the partner specifically, your friend is your goto… So if you are reaching out to see how they’re doing or trying to catch up. You call your friend…
For stuff like trying to make the partner feel more welcome in the friend group. Talk with your fucking friend. Mention that you are planing on calling them to get more detail on.. whatever.
The only reason I can think of where it is perfectly fine to go behind your FRIEND’S back is when you are planing a surprise for them.
If you’re the husband, then you text the husband. If you’re planning for his birthday, for example, then you text the wife.
Always assume your wife and her husband will read the message. If you can’t send it then you’d shouldn’t be contacting her.
I’d talk to my wife first. “Hey how’s Sarah doing? Seems like she was having a rough time, have you heard anything lately?” Because usually, my wife already knows, as I’m just not in tune I guess. If she doesn’t know, then I’d say “I might text her to make sure she’s ok.”
Generally speaking, I message the couple as a whole. Not because I’m trying to cover my behind or anything, but rather because, in the case of my married friends, I’m trying to talk to both of them. “Hey, you guys feel like swinging by this weekend? I’m doing a barbecue?” Stuff like that.
But my married/dating friends also know that if I’m messaging one of them, it’s usually about things I want to keep secret from their significant other. “Hey, I found something I think your partner would like. What do you think?” sort of things.
My wife’s friends/coworkers (there’s significant overlap here) know they can text me for just about everything, and they sometimes take advantage of that to bug me at work for recipes and whatnot, or to ask me to make them something. It pretty much doesn’t go beyond that. I think the closest thing to an inappropriate text I have gotten from one of them was “Your wife is having a rough day, so treat her really nicely when she gets home.”
If you are even asking this question, then just make a group chat with the two. It wasn’t weird until you made it so.
I have friend couples which I communicate with separately and together depending on what we talk about. There’s nothing weird about talking to people, there is about a “just a friendly check-in” tho
Text both at same time.
Text both, unless it’s a more specific question to one or the other.
I text whoever is more relevant. A lot of time planning to get together is easier to coordinate through the wife. If I’m chatting about fishing or something I text the husband.