For instance, if your partner comments that they like you wearing a particular style of clothes and would like to see you wear it more often. How do you decide where the line is between doing something for them because they’d like it, versus staying true to the things you enjoy that feel like part of who you are?
How do you decide whether or not to do something your partner requests?
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If it’s something I also enjoy and have no reason not to do, then I do it. If not, then I don’t.
Early in our relationship my husband made a comment about how women look elegant in heels. I hate wearing heels, so I told him that, and that was it. Recently he also said he thinks I look prettier with my hair down, so sometimes when I have to choose between wearing my hair up or down, I’ll go for down because I know he appreciates it.
I think as long as it’s not something they’re trying to force me to do all the time but just something they’ve expressed they liked or would want to see more, I’ll happily do it when I feel like it or want to make them happy and then dress my normal way the majority of the time. If it’s being forced upon me it’s a no from me
It’s all about balance. If it’s something small and doesn’t compromise your comfort or values, it can be a sweet way to show you care. But, if it feels like it’s changing who you are or something you truly don’t enjoy, it’s okay to draw the line. Communication is key, talk it out and find a compromise where both of you feel respected.
For aesthetics, my husband I have mutual veto power, only semi-seriously. We can each reject, say, a shirt we find atrocious. We have exercised veto power each maybe two times over ten years, mostly because our tastes are informed by each other’s and so we have co-created style.
I think the reciprocation is the important part, especially in heterosexual relationships where it can be easy to fall into the male dominance of society.
It is also vitally important to be able to push back. I joke about “veto power,” but if my husband hated something important to me, I’d certainly push back and stand for who I am and what I like.
If it’s a gentle and positively-reinforcing request for more of something I already do of my own volition (like in the example you gave), or something new that I’m willing to try, I’m more than happy to run with it. The latter can feel quite special since they’ll know it’s done for them.
The hard boundary for me is when it’s worded as negative reinforcement (do more of x because I don’t like y; you look bad in y). That’s classic negging and not OK. It should also be framed as an option that wouldn’t make any difference to how you are perceived by them or how they feel about you, rather than an authoritative command. Never should you feel pressured, like you have to say yes.
I also think that there needs to be some give and take. Requests of this nature are generally only healthy within a framework where both of you get to ask similar things of each other, not when it’s one-sided.
If it’s something I dislike, then no. If it’s something I’m ambivalent or have no opinion on, I’m happy to try it out and see. And if it’s something I also like, then sure, why not?
Example: I like my hair short. I also like it very long. Invariably the guys I get involved with prefer long, so I grow it out. But if I didn’t like it that way, I wouldn’t do it.
There’s a difference between your partner saying “I love when you wear X” and “I don’t want you to wear Y”. One is positive, the other is controlling
My partner chose me because he loves who I am and how I present myself reflects who I am. If my partner started telling me to dress differently I would nope out hard. Which is not to say that…
If I am going to something where I am 100% my partner’s +1 (like his office party, or a wedding in his family with a lot of people I don’t know), and I’m unsure of how to present myself, I will talk with him ahead of time. But these are discussions closer to “I was thinking about wearing [option 1] or [option 2]. Is there anything I should know about this crowd when I decide?” Or even, “So… are there any ways I could dress that would create issues with these people?” Years ago, a guy I was seeing had a boss who had Very Strong Opinions on visible bra straps. So when I went to my boyfriend’s office party, I made sure my bra straps were not going to be visible because ridiculous as that woman’s views about bra straps were, rocking the boat was just ridiculous.
And… knowing my partner really likes me in certain clothing that I also like to wear, I don’t sometimes specifically wear that stuff when we’re going on a date. And, I when I’ve been weeding out my closet, my partner is often someone I ping for a second opinion when I’m in doubt.
If my wife (42yrs married!) favors something, I usually accommodate her, UNTIL I’m uncomfortable. I believe she does the same for me.
Here’s an example. My wife likes for me to wear my hair on the longish side. I prefer short hair’s convenience and ease. WE COMPROMISE.
My husband is smart enough to compliment me when he likes something I do/wear, not ask me to do it more often (in cases like your example). He’s asked me to do more practical things more often, like clean my hair out of the drain, and of course I do it because he’s right about it.
I sometimes listen to him when he’s hesitant about certain things – he would never tell me not to wear something, but he will make it known that he thinks it’s a little too (fill in the word – short, lingerie-like, etc). I went against him once and he ended up complimenting me later on… So maybe I should do it more often 😂
I see it as a negotiation. I went on a date recently and they told me “I’d love to see you in a dress and heels.” I said “I love getting dolled up for a special occasion!” So, if the event is special and I want to go, I’d actually really love getting dressed up. As long as I think I look good and I feel good, I’m probably in.
My Husband chooses my hair cut/color. I like checking in with him to see what he likes, and it’s one less decision I have to make. He looks at me more than I do, anyway!