How do you know if you should leave someone? It won’t let me say ‘nothing is wrong’ in the title. But I guess as I write this, there is some things not quite right.
We have been together for a decade. I love this man, but I’m not in love with him.
We have a young child together (16 months). She is a big reason why I stay. He hasn’t done anything wrong, but I’ve tried for years to get him to meet my needs. I’ve asked and tried to find out if I’m meeting his relationship needs. We’ve done couples counselling. Had some really amazing periods but it always ends up back in the same place. There’s no effort on his part and as a result, I no longer put in any effort.
We barely touch each other and to be honest, only really have sex if I’m drunk. We hardly tell each other we love each other anymore.
I know I could try again, but it’s always me and I just don’t know if I can go through the stages of trying to fix things again, just to end up disappointed. At the same time, I can’t picture my life without him and his family. Which I guess because we have a child, he technically would always be in it now.
How do you decide to go through the huuuge life admin and hurt of ending things and changing your whole life when you’re not unhappy, but also not entirely happy.
I also think, am I going to try and end it and then he’ll say he’ll change but the same shit will just happen again. I don’t know. I’m stuck. He’s a fricken amazing dad.
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Couples therapy? Some people do change when they find out their SO isn’t happy.
Sit him down for a talk and tell him you’ve made a decision, and you don’t expect him to not be upset but there no conversation to be had to change your mind. Steer the conversation towards what you’ll both need to coparent effectively in the future, now is about damage control and maintaining a comfortable enough relationship with the family that your child will never feel estranged. Ultimately if you don’t do this now, you’re trapped in a cycle of not having your needs met, and it will breed resentment and bitterness in your relationship, and your child will pick up on that, so it’s easier for you and everyone to rip the band aid, good luck
Boredom.
Love is a daily decision. If he feels things are fine and nothing is wrong then that means he has a lower base maintenance than you. With a kid in the mix and 10 years of time invested, I suggest that you sit him down and explain literally all of this. That you feel like it’s always you instigating change, that when he does you feel amazing and when he does you feel distant and that you need him to keep up with it.
I understand he has a habit of falling back into a rut. Lots of relationships do. That’s normal. But ask yourself; with him always ALWAYS being in your life and with you loving him so dearly, do you want to choose love or do you want to give up because love can be hard? Yes. He should pinch himself and realize you’re backing away. But he may literally just be fine with things being stable and calm and not hectic. He will 10000% be worse off without you so I hope you understand he does truthfully love you.
Counseling for a situation like yours is something I’d suggest you add 3 month and 6 month check ins for. He may just need reminders in a neutral space that isn’t coming from you. And from you specifically he may need the truth about how dire this is. Guys are weird though. If they see things get better they sometimes assume the problem is solved and go back to baseline. So just don’t let it.
Or if you’re done trying, and ok being a single mom trying to date as you approach middle age, then you can do that too. It’s harder though
Have you thought about whether being platonic life partners might appeal to you? If he’s a good parent and you can’t imagine life without him, what could a change in type of relationship look like? Would you want to live together still? More like roommates, probably separate bedrooms, but still great friends and coparents? Could you get used to dating other people will living under the same roof as him? If not, would you rather not live together?
I know change is scary, but breaking up doesn’t have to mean cutting ties, it could just be agreeing to end the romantic and sexual parts of your relationship
You’re not unhappy? Really?
Do you both a favor and stop lying to yourselves . End it and move on
Just coparent. Kids need to see their parents actively happy otherwise they mirror what you show them when they start dating and settle for the same things you settle for. So for example if your husband was abusive and you stayed they’d settle for an abuser. If you are really happy and loving to one another and they meet someone who isn’t affectionate they will know that’s not love and move away from it. Coparent and move on.
“He hasn’t done anything wrong, but I’ve tried for years to get him to meet my needs.”
What are these needs? Are they new needs or are they recently developed?
I think you should try a different marriage counselor. If you go on YT or Tik Tok there are lots of videos with women voicing very similar nebulous complaints about their man failing to “meet their needs”.
So they get rid of him,he gets a new,younger replacement and they freak out. Because,from their viewpoint,that isn’t fair. They were supposed to be the one getting a new & improved replacement. They were the ones living their authentic life but no new guy has presented himself to take on her “need meeting” responsibilities.
Because nobody wants a middle aged woman with a child who blew up her family in search of whatever they weren’t getting from their husband.
Seriously,do you think the next guy is just going to magically be who you want him to?
Go ahead, leave your man and child. But don’t expect some other guy to take his place. Because a wise man will know what you did to your husband you will eventually do to him.