I’m 31, my wife is 35 and I’ve always been attracted to older women. Thing is, society seems to constantly tell women that they’re ’over the hill’ by the time they’re 25.
This isn’t about debating what ‘peak age’ is (it varies from person-to-person. End of story) but rather how this messaging from society affects you. Personally, I think my wife is only getting hotter with age (she was the most beautiful woman I ever saw when I met her, and she’s only become more beautiful with age) but I worry she’s feeling like she’s ’past it’ due to all the BS you see on social media and whatnot.
Are my concerns unfounded? Is there a nice/convincing way I can tell her she’s drop-dead gorgeous? Am I overthinking this? Did this post make you wanna puke?
Comments
Unfortunately throughout life we are going to deal with a certain level of body insecurities and dysmorphia of different types. Society loves to push their latest body norms. So yes, society is to have us believe that once you hit 30, you cannot be considered “hot”. But with age you also learn to give a lot less fucks about what others think lol
Your actions can tell her way more than words can. You sound like a good parent, just keep being genuine, that’s all you can do. And caring isn’t over thinking.
In my 20s, I was confident but now at 49 and in menopause – I feel like I’m much more educated about health and fitness and I feel absolutely amazing. I train hard (weight lifting and Muay Thai) so I feel like I’ve leveld up at this age.
also note – as we age, our hormones begin to decline. As we near perimenopause, a lot of things change for us not just physically but mentally as well. Anxiety is often a symptom and things we were never anxious about we suddenly are. Our bodies definitely change so when we were once lean, we no longer are all thanks to hormones so we have to figure out wtf is going on and adjust it.
continue to support her and show/tell her these things but ultimately, it’s up to her to make the necessary changes in her life to feel better (if she’s feeling down about herself).
Bro, go to the askmenadvice subreddit. I had so many guys on there respond to a comment I made about not glorifying women being younger with such nasty anger. They all agreed they want YOUTH. That was word.
When I pointed out the unwanted attention I received from men in their 30’s and up when I was barely 18, welp, they said I was “legal”.
It’s gross how society belittles women for aging. Seeing as how the alternative is death, I am going to do my best to do it gracefully and without feeling like I’m less than. I’m 34 btw.
Confidence is much higher at 38 than 28. Grieve nothing lol.
The only thing I’m past is peoples BS. I’m hotter than ever and do not care.
To answer your headline question: Much, much better. I had bad body dysmorphia and disordered eating from roughly 16-28. At 44, that’s all over now, for the most part. I eat healthily because I want to and it feels good, and I continue to exercise simply because I want to, and it feels good. (When young, I worked out with a desperate, violent mindset, and now it’s all good).
I feel much better about myself in most ways, having found my way out of that mental sickness. I’ve even started experiencing that healthy ‘not giving a fuck’ that I heard so much about women developing my whole life and didn’t believe was genuine. I generally like how my face and body are changing over time, and the parts I don’t like, I genuinely don’t give a fuck about. This is incredible to me because my parents are vain and self-loathing as hell about aging, and I was on the fast-track to being like them.
Not saying I’ve got it all figured out and my self-view is perfect (far from it), but it’s exponentially better than it was when young. I would not be young again for the world. Never, never, never. I do not envy young people — they have so much shit they have to go through still. Aside from having fresher wrists (which hurt now after years of working out) and not having to do mammograms, being a young woman felt awful in nearly every way for me.
The constant pressure to meet a “godlike ideal of feminity” is not a new issue. We have been bombarded with this feedback for centuries, long before social media.
One difference social media has made is to give more voice to those of us who openly talk about our experiences. From pointing out the fallacies around the myth of “women are more attractive under [21] years”, or only “skinny women have happy husband’s”, or that “all women want/need a husband and children” etc. To simply letting those younger than us know that it is ok to age, is actually a privilege, and you simply settle into yourself in a way that you didn’t expect. Which in turn makes us happier.
I just don’t give a shit anymore LOL. I love my body because it’s carried me through 31 years of life. I’m not confident because of my looks, I’m confident because of the way I choose to carry myself and finally take care of me. I had a baby at 23 and it didn’t take long for my tummy to get squishy and my ass to disappear. But I love my body because of all it’s been through and it keeps fighting every day. That’s the type of confidence I want because it will never go away, unlike looks. 🫶🏻
Your wife is an individual, so the things that gas her up have nothing to do with anyone else.
When flirting, you are supposed to pay attention to what SHE responds to. What type of attention gasses her up.
You trying to convince her to love her body might be acting as a big old spot light to her insecurities.
I’m the type of woman who is resentful that I was supposed to decorate myself and parade around like a pretty doll for men to choose the companion to complete their- far more important – life. I don’t respond positively to “you’re so pretty”. It’s not a thing I care about.
Pay attention to your wife. Does she like being told she’s smart, that you trust her judgement? Does she like dressing up in heels and being taken to a nice restaurant. Does she love feeling athletic and strong? Does she like smoking pot in a yurt?? There’s no Universal Woman hand-book that will do that work for you.
Miles better and I hope it continues to be an upward trajectory
I’ve never felt so confident in my body, and that continued to be true. I finally feel confident okay to be okay with a little bit of extra chub or weight or wearing something that prioritized comfort over flattery. I’ll happily be in my 32 year old body any day over teens or 20’s.
36f, neutral about my body. I take care of it the best I can. I view it more as vehicle to navigate this existence, rather than the totality of my existence- not sure if that makes sense. I’m not as self conscious and I’ve developed a rather “you either like me or you don’t attitude”. If someone judges me based off my skin sack, I really don’t care.
In my teens and early 20s, I was extremely self conscious and constantly trying to prove I was “enough” through physical appearances. I had an eating disorder and was severely underweight. I felt an immense pressure to be conventionally attractive. I had done a bit of modeling and that didn’t help- made me feel the only thing of value I had to offer was my looks and my body.
So, I wouldn’t say I’ve gained confidence so much as letting go of expectations. Life is too short.
I’m about to be 31 soon and let me tell you, I seriously feel glad that I am at that stage where I simply don’t care for a lot of things I cared for in the past. Most of it is all just nonsense that will pass anyway. I can only emphasize with the youngsetrs today, because social media is literally everywhere you go, and you are supposed to be on high alert 24/7 so that something that goes wrong doesn’t end up on the web. It’s killing me now just thinking about it, I can only imagine how kids/teens/young adults feel etc.
As for you and your wife, honestly, I encourage you to not give attention to those snobs on social media and their view of what ‘peak’ womanhood is and all that nonsense. Most of them don’t measure up themselves to those ideas either (cough photoshop cough facetune cough…). So just live your best life and give social media as little attention as possible.
My confidence is way better than back in my teenage days or early 20s.
I have always been perceived as ugly and struggled a lot with my looks. This became a lot better when I met my husband who loves me the way I am for who I am, including how I look. So I grew a lot more confident and happy. I don’t care how others see me. As long as we both are happy, that’s all that matters.
Showing affection, attraction, making compliments and so on can show her how much you love her and see her as beautiful, will help a lot.
I love my own looks, despite being “fat and old”. (turn 35 this year, so I am not old at all.) I am appreciating my body for what it is able to do, and I love myself. I am kind, I am fun, I listen in conversations, and I keep my house tidy, I am a hard worker and a good owner for my 2 cats. I try to listen to what my girlfriend tells me, and support her, and my family as best I can – while also not burning myself out. I obviously don’t say these things out loud, but I like the fact that I am a kind person and I strive to be the best version of myself. Do I mess up? absolutely, but we just gotta admit our fault in the mistake, apologize and learn from it.
For aging, I am not worried. I have never really been given much male attention – what I did get was from ages 12-17, and after that it was just one or two guys who wanted to date me because I had a job and was willing to be the mum-maid at home and pay the bills. I learned pretty quickly not to put up with that bs tho. I have always been slightly overweight, and I am even more so in my 30’s. It doesn’t make me ugly, but I know I will have to think about it when it comes to my joints and aging. it also slightly limits my hobby choices. I am 5’7 and 200ish lbs, so the main thing I want to do, but can’t really, is horse riding and stuff like rock climbing. the horse riding due to the animal welfare perspective, and the rock climbing because my belly and thick thighs/arms kinda get in the way and makes it more difficult, not impossible, just more annoying. So there is some inspiration to lose the weight – but none of it is because it is ugly or being thinner will make me hot.
I some times look at my mum, and she is the most beautifull woman I know of. she have gorgeous silver hair, and beautifull features. her aging doesn’t subtract from her beauty one bit, and I hope I can age as gracefully and beautifully as she have. My grandmother on my fathers side was also a beautifull woman. she was a little chunky like me, and had hair loss and lots of scars due to skin cancer treatments. But when she was in a room it lit up and everyone adored her.
People who say women lose beauty as they age, are only talking about the extremely superficial beauty. we are talking perfect skin, hollywood teeth, super sculpted body (either natural or with cosmetic procedures). wrinkles being botoxed away, and always making themselves attractive for the male gaze. That or the very young ones who look “innocent” and that is gross in and of itself. I will live for myself, and not for any male gaze.
I’m 33 and have been feeling more self conscious about my body, while simultaneously understanding more than ever that it doesn’t matter. But it’s still hard for me to witness the changes and not care. I’ve always been moderately confident but had insecurities like everyone else. Now in my 30s it’s just noticing that my workouts don’t have the same effect on my physique as they used to (it takes longer to see results), eating an extra snack adds stubborn belly fat (and I am already petite but I notice a difference), and noticing things sag in certain areas. I still think I’m attractive. I’m getting married in June and I’m actively ignoring the temptation to work out like crazy and “get in shape” for my wedding day. I don’t want to be that person, and know that I should love myself in my own skin. So I’m working on it.
As for your wife: I think telling her she’s drop dead gorgeous IS the way to do it. Sounds like you probably already tell her that all the time. Just keep saying it in a sincere way. I never get tired of my fiancé telling me I’m beautiful.
To be honest, I looked great in mijn teens and 20s. I had a killer figure. But I was so insecure about it. I never felt that way while I had that body. Now I’m a pregnancy later and while it’s not what it is in my 20s, I enjoy my body more. My confidence has increased dramatically even though my body would probably not meet the standards that it used to. It’s still an amazing body.
I feel hot as shit. Perspective gained with age helped me to stop chasing a constantly moving target of what society tells us beauty is and embrace my body.
I’m 35 and my husband makes me feel beautiful, sexy, and desired, which has only made me care less about societal narratives on beauty and aging. Don’t overthink it. Just keep being genuine, seeing, and celebrating her.
I’m 40. I feel less happy with my body… But I also just don’t care as much. I’ve got saggy boobs and a post-pregnancy saggy belly now when I bend forward, and I am displeased with those things. I’m not fond of the way my forehead wrinkles when I make any sort of facial expression. But unlike when I was younger, with perfect skin and a more toned body, I just don’t really let those “flaws” take up much space in my brain, day to day. I’m much more concerned about being healthy and fit than about turning heads whenever I’m out. Which is certainly a healthier way of looking at things.
So all in all, I’m a little more self-conscious in a bikini, but that’s cancelled out by being more confident in my skin. So I still wear the bikini.
As for your question about how to let your wife know she’s gorgeous, just tell her she’s gorgeous, ideally at some random moment in the day when you’re not actively trying to initiate sexy fun times. Like, when she’s reading a book or something. Those are the compliments I always remember.