I want to get better at pleasing my wife sexually, but we’re in a dry spell bc I haven’t been doing a good job and she’s not enjoying it (TMI, but goddammit I need help).
I want to get better at pleasing my wife sexually, but we’re in a dry spell bc I haven’t been doing a good job and she’s not enjoying it (TMI, but goddammit I need help).
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Communicate with her. Find out specifically what she isn’t enjoying and then try to improve. She has to reasonably understand if you’re needing improvement on something you’ll need to practice, but there could be more to it if this just suddenly became an issue and she won’t work with you on it.
There may be some toys you can try to use on your own but again depends on what she is unhappy with.
you really can’t. a major part of sex is communicating what you like, don’t like, and everything in between. that can and SHOULD happen in the moment. talk to your wife about what seems to be missing. is it a sex toy? is it trying a new position? in the moment check in with her. if she doesn’t like it, have her show you what she does want and like. but you can’t really improve without talking and also trying
Ask her what she likes…Do that
You two should start couples dancing together!
You’ll learn to follow and read each other’s bodies and movements.
“What touch would you welcome right now?”
Be prepared for something like: “I back massage, no strings attached. I want to be able to fall asleep and have you tuck me in and leave after like 20 minutes.”
“I’d love to give you that.”
Then, as you’re massaging her back (or whatever touch she is open to receiving), ask for feedback on location, pressure, speed and style. Modify as directed and THANK HER for every time she tells you to make a change, because you appreciate her being real with you.
Build up as many of this kind of session as you can. It will flex your touch-communication and will help get you to a place where her giving direction and you receiving it comes more naturally when she is more open to more intimate touch.
I have lots of other ideas, too. I’m a sex coach. If you feel like you and she need help beyond what you can do just the two of you, you might look into sex coaching for support and direction.
There are also lots of online courses and memberships about touch, like ones for learning how to do. your own couples massage, or OMG yes, which is all about women’s pleasure.
Great sex isn’t so much about technique. It’s about ATTENTION and COMMUNICATION (both the verbal and the nonverbal kinds). If you’ve got hte right attention and the right communication then the world’s your oyster for technique.
Improve your communication and confidence for when the time comes!
There are lots of video demonstrations out there
Hey! There’s always a chance she’s personally sex adverse. For a lot of reasons I experience intermittent “dry spells” where I simply am not interested in sex. I don’t get aroused, I don’t think about it, I don’t notice or respond to my partner’s advances. When I decide to have sex anyways (of my own volition) it’s often painful and uncomfortable for me so we have to stop. It’s not because he’s doing anything wrong, putting in a tampon or touching myself feels painful too. Some people feel like that all the time. It’s a spectrum and there’s all different variations. But there’s nothing my partner could do to make it less painful for me.
What I like is that he doesn’t push or prod. He gives me back rubs and cuddles and compliments without any expectation. He expresses sexual interest for me without any pressure. I am able to feel loved even when I don’t want to have sex. That’s most important
You can’t really get better at it without doing it, lol.
You need to sit your wife down and discuss it with her. Find out why she is dissatisfied, specifically. Find out what she likes. Then practice with her.
Best bet to make the conversation go smoothly is to be honest that you don’t know what to do, but you want to improve and ASK for her help with that.
There is a good chance that the issues with sex, bleed into or are caused by other relationship problems. Like if she’s constantly upset with you because of X thing, it’s going to be hard for her to get into a sexy mindset with you. So be prepared for the conversation to go beyond just sex.
Edit: for me anyway, a big part of sex is their enjoyment. So I need to know they are having fun for me to have fun too. But mindset can have a BIG impact on sexual satisfaction. Need to make sure she feels comfortable and relaxed. Without that anything you do won’t matter. And don’t put too much pressure on orgasms being the final goal. It’ll actually be counter productive. I know for me if suddenly there is pressure on me to cum, that’s almost a guarantee that I can’t. Also just like with anything, it’ll take time and practice to actually be good at it. It took me around 6 weeks to make my girlfriend cum the first time. Turns out she’d never orgasmed before even on her own, so couldn’t give me much advice. I focused mostly on the psychological aspect of it. Making sure she’s comfortable and knows I’m enjoying what I’m doing so don’t stress about how long it’s taking or anything like that.
I’d just mention that one thing I learned with my wife is that sex can’t be like a “hey wanna bone” after 10 years of marriage. It’s got to be organic and you gotta orchestrate it.
You gotta be in shape, you need to actually try and keep your hair and beard kept up. Smells – my wife dies for the smell of cologne.
Then you gotta actually not be a potato when you get home. I get it – I work an insanely stressful job but when I get home I don’t relax unless she does.
Date your wife often – it’s fun and she will love you for it.
Then, once you’ve laid all the ground work and you have the band ready to go, the orchestra can commence.
Don’t ask her, you have to work it in. More importantly you have to be ready for rejection. Kissing on the neck, grab of the ass, prolonged hug or arm around her in line at subway. Whatever it might be that sends the signal you’re down. And then just see where it goes.
Lastly – make it a point to not go til she goes. Whatever that means or whatever it takes. Ask her if she is willing to try new stuff. Toys, etc. whatever it takes man you gotta figure out how to set her off on a rocket ship. Then you get to have fun.
There’s some great advice here. A sex coach chimed in too
Ask, learn, try it, check in, repeat.
Quality time not involving sex.
Make sure you are still dating! Sexual intimacy usually dies when people fall into ruts and routines. Take the time to still romance eachother. Try something new together(new food, game, activity), learn something together(dancing) , rely on eachother(baking something with one partner blindfolded).
Talk about sex and desire separate from having sex. Find out what she wants and likes. What does she fantasize about? What does she want to try?
Practice. It’s that simple.
There are a lot of variables most of which are rather invasive to post online. It could be her hormones. It could be your performance, it could be something bigger in your relationship.
Concentrating on intimacy and having fun with eachother is probably a good start.
That said if you can see what makes her tick sexually would help, does she have any kinks to explor?. Not enough foreplay is a common problem.
I’ll say a clitorail stimulator has been the most valuable weapon in my war chest 😘
It’s all about trying different angles, positionings, speeds and watching the reactions of your partner, when you see something you are doing that gives a positive reaction then you keep doing that.
passion, respect and communication. Read the other person.
fuck-strategy
You don’t
Go to seminars. Led by actual experts.
I sat in on a chat by Dan Savage and Tristan Taormino like one thousand years ago. It changed my life.
Use your hand and toys. Penetration is for you. Most women enjoy the outside.
Ask her what she likes then have a bash at that. A lot of being “good” in the sack is knowing what your partner likes and the best way is to ask!
Get The JD Vance sofa doll
For women, sex is in the mind.
For men it’s about the payoff, your goal is to enter her, but it’s way more complex for women, and sex can start long before the bedroom for a woman.
What is happening that she isn’t finding you arousing anymore? Do you do anything to encourage the mood?
It’s also not as much about the physical act for women. For them it’s about feeling desired, by a man who both she and other women feel is desirable. It cements her status, which turns her on, it’s a power game.
So you should communicate more in and out of bed – have you ever noticed how silent sex can be nice, but if you start dirty talking her, she just goes WILD? That’s the kind of stuff they like.
Also, foreplay. Women need way more prep time than men generally.
Instead of the porn model of blow job > sex, which usually makes men cum fast and women not at all, try foregoing your foreplay and spend A LOT of time going down on her enthusiastically.
Then sex will take care of itself, because she will be gagging for it and take the lead most likely.
Practice using your hands and pillow.
Have sex
I went through a period like this with my wife and asking “what do you like” got me some red herrings & only half truths.
The reality is that you have to be patient, supportive and empathetic. Sex to a lot of women has been a taboo subject from childhood and not all parents encouraged any sort of sexual exploration. Even healthy ones.
My wife worked through some stuff in therapy and I was just patient and supportive. We now enjoy a super healthy sexual relationship, have 2 kid, and continue to find time for ourselves.
My wife suddenly got better at both.
She either had an affair or read/watched some porn to get ideas.
Don’t care which, just enjoying sex again with her.
Further your understanding of what it means to feel good in your body and what kinds of touch feel good to you.
If you can make yourself feel good physically, you can make someone else feel good, too. Sex can just be an extension of that