I’m angry and sad with myself for really trying my best and trying SO hard in the past, but realizing now I tried on the wrong things, the wrong people, at the wrong time, or gave up too soon or didn’t wait long enough … I feel like I can’t trust my gut anymore and I’m afraid to do ANYTHING or else I’ll make another wrong turn I’ll regret in the future, or overcorrect and miss out AGAIN.
For example:
- sticking around too long trying too hard to make a toxic job or relationship work
- giving up too soon on new opportunities that just needed a little more time to get settled
- getting excited and going all in on something that doesn’t work out
- getting too cautious and not jumping into something that could have been great
It’s frustrating because I can’t seem to get it right… With every single step it’s:
- “you can’t keep doing the same thing and expect different results” – so i try to change learn from past mistakes or missteps.
- “don’t change or be closed off or bitter because of the past! stay open! this new person/situation isn’t the previous one that hurt you.” – ok so I won’t change?
- “didn’t you learn your lesson last time?! and you DIDN’T change?? so this is your fault you’re hurt!” – I GIVE UP.
Does anyone have any tips on forgiving yourself or giving yourself grace for doing the best you could with what you had / what you knew at the time?
Comments
I don’t have tips but just wanted to let you know you aren’t alone. I am in a similar place and have had so many things not work out recently it’s hard to not judge or blame myself. I hate the mindset that there must be some lesson. Instead I am leaning into this truth that maybe life just is really hard and doesn’t go as planned. Maybe it’s just life and not anything I am doing wrong. I have to work really hard at grace. Really hard at being my own cheerleader and not relying on outside validation. Sometimes I have to remind myself I know myself best and I can find control and take the steps needed for me. I have this amazing program I am doing to get to the root of some health issues. I started out gung ho. Now I’ve hit some really hard things and am doubting it all. A person on my team has been dismissive of me having side effects from supplements. She is a pharmacist yet all my symptoms started after starting them. I finally decided I am going to try to figure out which one is affecting me and cut it out and then go back on a lower dose. Sometimes I just have to do what is right for me. I tried to advocate. Yet I don’t want to miss out on the benefits of this program and want to keep reminding me I know myself. For me lots of changing my self talk. Reminding myself what’s the worst that can happen. Reminding myself of all the things I have overcome. Reminding myself of the times yes it didn’t work out but it allows me to quit a toxic job. To take a lot of time of work to focus on my health. To travel and go to family events I couldn’t have gone to before. That I can advocate and the world won’t fall apart when I’m dismissed. Rooting for you. Allow it to be hard and know it’s okay to take time. I have to daily surrender my doubts and anxiety.
I don’t have much advice but I’m going through similar. Therapy is helping.
It is the first time on this planet for all of us, and you can’t know what you don’t know. And most of us are trying to do our best with the knowledge we have.
As we get older we have more experiences and hopefully learn lessons from those experiences. All you can do is try to make sure you learn those lessons and don’t repeat the same mistakes. Use the examples you have given to learn your lessons. For example if you typically stick around too long in relationships then look at those situations and try and figure out the signs that you missed, learn to recognize them so you don’t do it again.
Also, many of us have to learn lessons the hard way or make the same mistake multiple times before the lesson really sticks (I am one of those people). You are a human being, cut yourself some slack and give yourself space to learn and grow.
When I get stuck in that mindset, I remind myself that everyone is living life for the first time. No one fully knows what’s they’re doing. On top of that, I remind myself that because we only have one shot at life, we have to do what feels fulfilling. At the end of the day, the person that matters the most is you, and you only you can advocate for yourself and make the decisions that feel right at the moment
In my 30s, I’ve realized so much about what I “should have” done.
There have been times I’ve been angry with myself for staying in a toxic environment for too long.
And there have been other moments when I’ve regretted leaving too soon, wondering if I gave things a fair chance.
But here’s the thing — none of this is something I could have learned without going through the experience.
I’ve realized I’m often contradicting myself. It’s not about whether staying or leaving was the right choice. The real issue likely isn’t the decision itself — it’s the way I talk to myself about it.
I’m always mad at myself. And the longer that self-talk happens, the worse my self esteem gets. And then I lose my ability to trust my instincts.
I think the only solution is to watch your self talk. Challenge the “should have” thoughts: https://youtu.be/PeF-mIrYIIU?si=BvdmEPe3YCQQWySu
Remember, we’re all living this life for the first time. Hindsight is 20/20, but we can only do our best with what we know in the moment. Talk to yourself the way you would talk to a friend.
It’s not easy — I’m struggling with this myself right now. But know that you’re not alone. I think one of the things that comes with getting older is realizing all the different ways things could have unfolded.