How do you guys deal with the feel that you are a failure and the anxiety that comes from it?

Hello all,

I finished my PhD in late 2022 (STEM), I have a great relationship with my former advisor, had a great research group, and now I’m entering the 3rd year as a postdoc in a city that I always dreamed about living in.

The bad comes from the fact that I detest my current supervisor, and working with them is likely one of the reasons that I am taking anti depressants. I have no faith whatsoever in the current project, I’m only sticking around because I am in debt (health treatments + I suffered a financial scam that I am trying to recover from) and need the money that comes from my salary. I don’t like the laboratory, despite it having way more resources than my previous one, I either dislike or do not care about the majority of the people working around me as well.

Sometimes I have nightmares about the fact that I have to get up and take the bus and go to my current lab. Sunday evenings are the worst, I feel terrible with the fact that it’ll soon be Monday, I will again take the bus to go to the lab, waste 2 – 3 hours on daily mandatory meetings and then do a bunch of menial tasks or other things that my boss deems worthy, despite having no relevance.

I had a good MSc + PhD. I was able to publish 10 papers during grad school, I used to feel excited about working on research, but nowadays I feel empty. I feel like I’ve failed my PhD supervisor, someone that is very dear to me, failed myself and everyone else that helped me throughout this journey. I have applied to who knows how many postdocs/research associate positions abroad, written proposals along with professors to apply for research grants, still nothing. I don’t know what to do anymore, honestly. I am trying to write another project from scratch right now, but I felt so anxious that I ended up with my heart racing and throwing up.