So I (22F) have been seeing a (28m) for six weeks. I think that tomorrow when we hangout I’m going to tell him how I have a three month deadline where I would stay in an unofficial relationship. Would that seem like I’m forcing the progression of a relationship? I just don’t want to end up in a situation where I get my time wasted..
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I wouldn’t frame it that way. I would start the conversation about where the relationship is going when you are ready to. If he’s not ready to be official you can then leave if you want, but telling him about your timeline before the “where are we headed” conversation could mean if he’s not serious but also is happy to keep seeing you casually he could lie and strings you along until something better comes along for him.
I think he’s too old for you but I’m an old lady so I’ll just second the advice that you should let him do most of the talking in the ‘so what are we’ convo before you reveal any internal policy
Have the “where are we headed” talk. Judge based on how he reacts to the question. If he’s serious about you, if he likes you, he should be reasonable, give you a thoughtful answer and say he does want to be exclusive. If he gets offended, acts like you’re being pushy, refuses to answer or behaves in that way despite saying the right words then end the facade.
Behaviour is communication. 6 weeks of dating (if you’re going on dates, you’re dating) is enough to work out if he wants to be in a ‘proper’ relationship or not.
But, if he’s getting everything he’s after without even having to ‘properly’ date you, and he’s not one of the good ones, then he’ll use you for as long as he can.
Also he’s old enough to know what he’s looking for in a relationship; you’re either it or you’re not. And I’m worried what he’s looking for is a young woman to waste time with.
Seconding all the other comments: You need to ask the question about where he sees this going, and make it clear that you aren’t interested in something casual.
I did this with my husband after 4/5 dates, the conversation went well and by the 6th date we were official and in an exclusive relationship.
Prior to that relationship, I saw someone for three whole months and never had this conversation at all. I just HOPED he would eventually ask to be in a relationship. It ended badly with him saying that he never saw us being serious as he wasn’t over his ex…
As a 28m I’m coming into this with a bit of a bias because I cannot imagine any reason to settle down with a 22 year old so I’m pretty suspicious of this dudes intentions. In regards to your request I would strongly recommend against putting it to him like this. Your goal should be to make him feel as comfortable as possible in telling you that he doesn’t want to commit to you. This might seem counterintuitive but if he wants to string you along and he thinks that you will leave him if he doesn’t lie then he will lie about commitment to string you along. If he thinks that you will stick around even if he doesn’t commit then he will feel more comfortable telling it to you straight, at which point you can leave.
Think of it like a kid, if they think they’ll get punished for telling the truth, then they’ll just lie.
If he actually wants commitment then this is fine as well because he will naturally take steps to secure commitment, just like how you would.
But tbh 22 year olds really feel like children to me. I tried dating a 24 year old earlier this year and they just had no idea who they were or what they wanted in life. They had this romantacised idea of what they wanted in broad strokes but didn’t know the details or have an actual plan to get there. They didn’t have the life experiences to even know if those broad strokes were things that they enjoyed and when asked about it could only give vague platitudes. They didn’t know what they wanted in a partner, how much attention or focus they need, what they needed to feel loved and what their expectations of their partner was. I ended things cause how can I commit to someone when they don’t have the life experiences to even know what they want?