My boyfriend of 8 months as I broke up on Sunday. We were in an LDR, but not so far that we didn’t see each other regularly. Both of us are undergoing a lot of changes. My grandmother, who is mentally declining, moved in with me and it’s been emotionally draining. He just (like five days ago) moved back to my province and is living with his parents for now. He’s also been questioning whether he still wants to work in the same industry, as his last employer has really left a bad taste in his mouth. He’s even considered going back to school. So his moving to my city or staying with his parents longer will depend on the job situation.
It was the kindest, most respectful breakup I’ve ever been through. No bullshit. He apologized for doing it over FaceTime, and acknowledged that he has so much going on and he doesn’t even know where things will land. He’s an incredibly honest and earnest man and is incapable of lying, I swear. He seemed sad about it too, but we were able to crack a couple of jokes. In time, I can actually see us being friends. If the time and circumstances were a little different for either of us, I think we could have made things work. Life was just too much for either of us for the foreseeable future.
Which is what’s making it hard for me – I can’t be mad at him. He didn’t cheat, didn’t ghost, wasn’t cruel or indifferent. And I really do wish him all the best because he deserves it. I would previously use the anger to help me get over an ex. It made it so much easier. Except I can’t be mad, just sort of sad and frustrated at the situation.
Those who have been through similar situations, what helped you reconcile things and get over it?
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My 2-year LDR with my beloved boyfriend is likely ending over Facetime in a few minutes. I have no advice. but know you’re not alone.
You process the sadness, alone or together. You give it time. These are the best breakups. I’m still close with my ex husband. We split amicably.
It sounds like you have a lot on your plate with your grandmother, so I would take the time you’d ordinarily have spent talking to or visiting him and invest that in self care. Therapy if you feel it would be helpful, moving your body (or doing so in new ways if that’s already a big part of your life), pursuing hobbies you enjoy, seeing friends, reading, redecorating, home spa treatments…
This is all what I should have done when I had a relationship end in a similar way. Instead I spent way too much time continuing to talk to him, with both of us dragging out the pain and feeling increasingly miserable until it blew up in a huge argument :’) Then I tried moving on through casual relationships that ended up making me feel even worse. Self care is the way, IMO.
I think one possible way to approach this situation is to congratulate yourself on picking a wonderful partner and having a wonderful experience… but that it was just for a season, and not forever. He wasn’t a freeloading loser, or an abusive jerk, he was a nice guy who it didn’t work out with. He’s just another name to cross out on the search for mr.right… or whatever.
Perhaps you think to yourself “wow, I handled that really maturely and so did he, i’m so glad that I made the effort to see if it could work and be fully vulnerable to the process. It wasn’t forever, but maybe the next one will be”
I realize that it’s “easier” to handle break ups through anger or an underlying need to ‘supersede’ your ex-partner by getting outrageously fit and hot and adventurous and all the other things we feel motivated to do when someone has severely let us down, cheated, hurt us etc… but I don’t think the trauma from those situations is better. It helps us categorize people temporarily, but eventually we do need to come face to face with those wounds again in our moments of quiet.
The resiliency of the human spirit can be frankly, quite amazing, but we are also impatient beings who would rather ‘get to the good part’ instead of endure the process.
It will take time to feel normal again, so don’t rush yourself and lean into whatever you are feeling. Have a good cry, write down pages of feelings in your journal, or just lay in the sun and try to warm up those blues a bit.
Why do you need to be mad? You can go move through the grief process.
Me and my ex broke up when we still loved each other because it was not working. But of us cried a lot, we tried again for a while, but we weren’t each other’s people and that’s it. There is no magical recipe here, just time.
Yo, being mad is still a valid feeling. Doesn’t mean you can or should act on it, but you can still experience anger about it.
Listen to Happiness by Taylor Swift