Essentially, I (28M) have been dating my partner (30F) for a little over a year and have over time found out she used to be a horrible person. She doesn’t really have any friends and I mostly attributed that to her being a little different. But lately I’ve learned it’s because she gets in nasty fights with practically everyone she’s ever met. She was a serial cheater and has cheated on multiple relationships before. Gotten kicked out of weddings for sleeping with the brides cousin, etc..
Now she hasn’t done anything like this to me (at least from what I know so far) but I’m having a really hard time knowing that this person is my girlfriend. I love her, but have not been able to get over things when she tells me about when she used to cheat or when she burned bridges with friends and family.
Now the big indicator here is if she were to say things like “I made mistakes and I learned from them” but she doesn’t. She says “fuck them they were pieces of shit” or “sucks for them, they shouldn’t have been so sensitive.” Especially when she herself, is an incredibly sensitive person.
I feel like once I realized this, my attraction for her has done a complete 180 and I don’t know what to do.
Thoughts?
Comments
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What kind of post is this? You obviously know the answer to this
“Now she hasn’t done anything like this to me”. My brain automatically added a yet to this statement!
Why did you put the “was” in the thread title? It doesn’t sound like she’s had some great turn around or anything. I mean, she’s blaming other people for her behavior. Make like flock of seagulls and run. So far away.
Hi! Hm… I’d say that even if she has not done any of these things to you, you have to take her previous actions and what she is telling you about them into consideration.
I’m not saying to judge her and immediately break up with her. However, the fact that she has a past and the fact that her response to that past has no… self reflection in it is obviously preoccupying.
Also, it’s clear that this is not the first thing someone would tell you in a first date. But how long did it take for you to know about this stuff? I feel like I would feel a little… cheated by not knowing her past?
All in all I would have a conversation to truly gauge what her actual feelings are. I don’t want to straight up judge her, maybe in a way this is a defense mechanism? But… to be honest it doesn’t sound good, especially because she doesn’t recognize her part in the problems/cheating/etc in her past.
Have you had a chance to bring up your concerns with her? That you noticed a lack of remorse for hurting others and a lack of empathy for those she hurt.
Yeah big red flags here that are def worth ending a relationship over. If she held some accountability, maybe you could consider letting her past go. But this isn’t who she was; it’s who she is.