Im posting here since months ago on subreddits dedicated to this topic i didn’t get many responses and most of them where from dudes nor where they that helpful ( and when i posted on subreddits for this topic i would get DM’s from creeps sexualizing my SA ). If this is not appropriate to post here just lmk and i will delete it right away
longs story short back during my senior year of high school i started dating this junior dude and we dated for a year and a half and i broke up with him last year in February when i was 19 ( 20 now ) and during which he was super manipulative, abusive, and would SA me but i was only able to admit to myself it was SA about the start of this year 4 months ago due to a friend flat out having to tell me it was SA since i wouldn’t let myself believe it was. After which memory’s i repressed kept flooding back and i thought i was healing as it was happening far lass but turns out i was wrong since there back and stronger then before.
dont read a head if you dont want more details of my relationship with my ex as i know some people dont like reading that kinda stuff
he would often SA me by manipulating me into saying yes to sex, at first when we started dating i was willing to have sex but then it turned into this thing where EVERY single time we where together he wanted to fuck and at first i tried to push back against this and say no he would then get in a bad mood and blame me for it, say it made him feel unloved, and even suggest he should leave or we should break up over it and like a fool i fell for it and would then agree to have sex with him. He would also sometimes pull my hair or one time put his hand around my throat and lightly choking me, both an attempt to “turn me on” even after i said i didn’t want to several times, hell he would even make me buy the condoms every time since he never wants to waist his money on them then tell me “well you bought them so we got to use them” or “you bought the condoms so obviously you want to fuck” and bullshit like that
the sex was never good either, he always wanted to go for actually hours until he had to go home and i would never finish but he would several times, always making me do tons of crazy positions i didnt like do or would not feel good doing that often never felt that good or not feel good at all and sometimes would even just make me feel tired, empty, used, and more. Even when i would ask for a break or to stop he would agree, but then 5 minutes later once i had my clothes back on be in a bad mood and blame it on me some more and saying how i didn’t love him until i would say yes to continuing again
there was even one time when his damn mom came to pick him up ( back when we where still in high school ) and he was on top of him, his mom was in my fucking driveway and i asked him to get off me and he told me no and kept going until he finished
there is more like how he would threaten suicide to keep us from breaking up but thats generally the stuff about he would manipulate me for sex and SA me
now i have flash backs reliving those days often and im just wondering how to heal and stop the flash backs, they did go away for about 2 and a half months mostly but there back just as bad as 4 months ago and idk how to fully heal so they dont come back or anything, therapy is not really an option so i just feel trapped with these memory’s. I just need some advice or support right now
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TLDR: create as much peace and safety as you can for yourself and long term the effects of trauma can subside the more time passes between you and the trauma event.
well speaking of trauma in general you don’t *really* heal from it completely, it just feels farther away when you stop it from happening for long enough. I learned to set up better boundaries and spot problem people before it was a problem.
You don’t really ever completely heal, but you can feel better. I feel joy now and peace and satisfaction in life and trust while around people occasionally now.
But what was done to me was done and that is that. I was traumaticly and deeply hurt and there is nothing that can or ever will change that
Over time I have moved on and found joy in the things around me again.
I will never again be an unspoiled or unbroken individual, but I have learned strength and perseverance as well as new joy and meaning that has become even more precious to me because i understand on a deep level how fucked up life can become in an instant.
After years of ensuring boundaries and safety I have become a person that the trauma that I sadly am forced to hold as part of my history no longer defines me or my choices on a daily basis, and I am becoming more sure of my own choices daily as I see the fruits of my labours start to return to me.