My friend’s venting is getting really old. I’m trying to figure out how not to be a jerk and keep being a good friend when my best friend keeps cycling about chronic stresses in a long-term relationship that just feels like a critical mismatch in personalities. My friend performs at a high level, but has a diagnosed anxiety disorder that can turn into needing hours of solitude per night. His SO is a person with loud, random, and chaotic energy and doesn’t really listen to requests for quiet, future planning, or general conscientiousness. Lots of my friend’s complaints over the years have been about something really rude or thoughtless his SO sprung on him in the worst moment. I used to be there just to validate he wasn’t wrong in being upset by the behavior, but over time, it’s become like listening to Pam from the Office complain about being in a domestic partnership with Michael Scott.
It’s just gotten so fucking old and I don’t feel like hearing one more story about how stressed he is because of being in a relationship with a person who naturally does all the things that stress him the fuck out. They almost broke up a year ago, but then swung back into deeper commitment and purchased a home together. I know I’m the only person he feels like he can vent with about his relationship stresses, but I just feel over it and it feels annoying that it eclipses our hangouts. I know I sound salty, but wanting perspective from anyone else that’s dealt with the same thing among older friends.
Comments
Please do not delete your submission.
Your submission has been flagged for moderator review. Please be patient. If you do not see your post published within 48 hours the moderators have decided to not publish it.
If/when your thread is approved and it runs its course, instead of deleting it, you can simply type “!lock” (without the quotes) as a comment anywhere in your thread to have our Automod lock the thread. That way you won’t be bothered by anymore replies on it, but people can still read it.
I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please contact the moderators of this subreddit if you have any questions or concerns.
You can be honest and in a constructive way. Good friends are brave enough to be honest, and good friends listen to honesty with respect, even if it is difficult for them to hear.
When people complain like this to you, they are just seeking validation. Don’t give it to them, and they will stop complaining pretty quickly. Tell them what they dont want to hear, and they will stop asking.
Honestly, tell them to not include you in this anymore. If they’re going to continue to put themselves in this situation by choice then it’s rude to keep dragging you along for the ride.
If he is constantly bullied on purpose.. then it can be trauma bond.. and thats really not easy. Maybe talk with him about therapy.. not criticize him, but tell him that as you see it from your point of view, that he is in really complicated relationship what have really bad impact on him – as you listen to him. Then maybe talk with professional who can help him.. will.. help
You can’t be a supportive friend and constantly listen to the same issues. Eventually you need to move on.
Choose your battles.
Set boundaries.
The best way you can be supportive while protecting your peace is to let them be and for them to leave you out of it.
Having been on both sides of this, you can only just keep being there for them. I was on the other side of this 25 yrs ago and the friend who was constantly there for me is still my best friend today, no matter how I messed up. Conversely, when they’ve been a complete ass over the decades since, I am always there for them bc they were there for me. Yes, it gets old, yes it’s painful, but as long as you can keep it in check in terms of how it affects you keep being there for them. They really don’t see what you see until it all comes crashing down, and even then it will be yrs before they see what you see.
“INFECTION: AVOID THE UNHAPPY AND UNLUCKY
You can die from someone else’s misery – emotional states are as infectious as diseases. You may feel you are helping the drowning man but you are only precipitating your own disaster. The unfortunate sometimes draw misfortune on themselves; they will also draw it on you. Associate with the happy and fortunate instead.”
With a chuckle: “oh, not this again”.
I usually say something like “yeah that’s rough man. YOU best figure something out” and leave it hanging in the air like a fart.