Hitting almost 40 in a few years, single mom, dating, first marriage wasn’t what I expected. Basically just settled. But this time I don’t want to screw it up. How do you know you’re truly in love?
Hitting almost 40 in a few years, single mom, dating, first marriage wasn’t what I expected. Basically just settled. But this time I don’t want to screw it up. How do you know you’re truly in love?
Comments
Don’t get me wrong, the love stuff is important, but the important questions are: does this person treat you well, do they respect and cherish you, do you enjoy spending time with them and then with you, will you take care of them if they need it and will they do the same for you, do the two of you communicate well, do you have shared values and a vision for the future, are you both willing to work toward that future?
you are truly in love already when you wish to build a life together, to share in all lows and highs, and to not be a fairweather person at all. Neither of you should ever bail emotionally when the other is going through something bad. When they’re sad, you need the empathy to also be sad for them and figure out maybe if you can do something, ofc.
after a while passes, the initial high will mature into something more stable and tempered through time and life’s trials. Like you will become ‘ride or die’ with them. They need to be the same way back. At this stage it’ll usually be a few years in and it’ll feel like your two souls are doing a permanent hug but you’re also looking out lol
but I think you already know all this
You just….know.
That’s a genuine answer, too. I’ve been in a handful of relationships and a couple of them lasted past 6 years. I thought that I really loved them enough to spend the rest of my life with him despite their awful wrongdoings. I thought that that is just what love was supposed to be and that I was just supposed to endure it.
And then…I met my person. Everything just sort of lines up and all of it feels right. I look at him and feel things that my body and my soul never allowed me to feel in any past relationship. It’s that sort of feeling where you know that you would do anything for them without question and without doubts. It’s a feeling within the pit of your soul that never subsides, regardless of time.
Not trying to be unhelpful but if you’re asking the question, you’re not in love. You just… know. It makes sense to your body, mind and soul.
Love is lovely, but make sure they make your life BETTER. They compete with your peace, not other people.
I think each person is different. Their interpretation of love is also different. Many people confuse strong infatuation with love as well. For me personally I know I must be in love with someone if my love for this person supersedes my own benefit. To me that’s the epitome of loving. Meaning I don’t want something in return necessarily. The way I feel is genuinely wanting the person to be happy and well with or without me. I don’t know how to explain it because it’s mixed with a feeling; not just an idea. Sort of like a type of warmth that isn’t just based on physical intimacy. Feeling genuine happiness when you see their face. Feeling heavy hearted when you see them sad or tired. Worrying about them. Wondering if they’re ok and doing fine. Feeling your heart swell with emotions having them close. That kind of thing I guess.
I think it’s so rare in life to feel this way about someone and have them return that feeling though 💔 many times it just feels like a union of convenience.
I think you know when that person feels like safety and “home” to you. Like, when you think to yourself “it doesn’t matter where we are or what crisis we’re facing as long as we’re together.”
You just know if you felt it once before. It’s hard to explain.
Everything feels so easy going, not rushed or pressured. I feel fully supported in my dreams and feelings. I don’t feel talked down to, like I’m walking on eggshells, or not able to be myself. We are both different, but the same. We have our own interests, but they always seem to intertwine.
I was previously married, but almost a year into this relationship and I haven’t felt what he has made me feel.
When I was last single, I read bell hooks’ All About Love and had a breakdown when I read this part: “Abuse and neglect negate love. Care and affirmation, the opposite of abuse and humiliation, are the foundation of love. No one can rightfully claim to be loving when behaving abusively.”
I broke down because I realized up until that point, all but one of my serious relationships had been abusive and neglectful. Same with my family. So, at age 34, I had never been truly loved.
After that, I focused solely on whether that person cares and affirms me without any form of abuse or neglect, rather than my own feelings of love. None of it matters if I’m not being loved back. I was casually dating at the time, but over time realized that one man I was dating had truly fallen in love with me. We’re engaged now.
Hey sis, the only way to know if the person you chose to love gives comfort to your nervous system. Not the one that gives you butterflies, clouds in your head, but the peace like breathing is what you need to know if that person is for you.
My mom was in love with so many horrible men who offered absolutely nothing to everyone. So, I don’t think love is always the answer. Depending on the trauma someone has endured, the feeling of love can occur in maladaptive ways and be very bad for you men. I’m sure you’ve noticed healthy, happy people marrying their equal.
So I say, marry the most emotionally, financially, and educated guy you can get and make the choice to love him because that initial puppy love wears off anyway.
For me, love is a gut feeling. If someone were to ask me, do you love your mum? I immediately know that the answer is yes.
Romantic love tends to grow and can start slow. If it’s been a few months and you’ve spent lots of time with them but you’re still wondering, maybe it’s a No.
Being “truly in love” is not enough. You can be “truly in love” and have vastly different values, life goals, lifestyles, communication styles, politics, personal finance philosophies, conflict resolutions styles, senses of humor, blah blah blah which can all lead to a split. Fixating on the romance of it all alone is no guarantee.
Compatability and if they check off all or most of your boxes is most important IMO. Having a strong love for each other matters a lot but what’s going to be left over when those feelings/hormones inevitably die down someday?
I also am trying to find my second husband btw. I settled the first time too.
I’ve asked my therapist this a few times because I don’t think I’ve ever really felt it. After many discussions true love, for me it’s is a whole bunch of things combined. I feel truly safe in every capacity, I can talk to him about anything without fear of judgement, he’s my best friend, I miss him when he’s gone, when I think of traveling or trying new restaurants it’s him I want to do it with. When I think of growing old, it’s his hand I’m holding.
The simplest way I can explain how I knew was when feelings of lust transformed into feeling like home.
Tbh it hit me by surprise. I didn’t realize it right away, as when I’d been in love before it was with masks and not the real person. Just accumulated all these things in my head that I noticed… appreciated, adored, admired… and when he said he loved me the first time, I realized I had already fallen in love too.
This time I did it right though. I found someone who is kind, thoughtful, honest, and willing to be a partner. This time love doesn’t feel draining, it brings me comfort. Peace in a world that doesn’t wasn’t me to have peace. I’ve always liked doing the little things but to see his face light up being some joy.
The challenge for me has been being in a healthy relationship and not knowing what to do with myself, waiting for the other shoe to drop, etc. lol and having to work on that. But he tries to understand and we can communicate and every time grow stronger for it.
TLDR love isn’t always comfortable, because there is growth and communication and understanding, but it is sweet and worth the efforts to maintain.
I think it’s what you’re willing to do for that person. My husband and I have been through many ups and downs. He just started a temporary position of working 12 hour days with every other Sunday off.
I am making his lunches and snacks, cooking dinner every night to be ready when he comes home, making sure laundry is kept up on, and giving back rubs as needed. I want to make this as easy on him as possible. He rubs my back when asked. He folded towels for me last night. He still does little things, but I care so much about him that I want to go the extra mile.
What’s important to me is that he and I are together because we want to be, not because of any need to be in a relationship. He and I had perfectly successful and satisfying single, independent lives. We really enhance each other’s lives rather than being enmeshed in each other’s lives, if that makes sense. This distinction between want and need is so important to me, because I know that I would be fine without him, so being with him was a very deliberate choice I made. Being with him is easy, calm, and we are infinitely kind to each other. Every day I look forward to him coming home from work. Our relationship isn’t the sundae itself, it’s the cherry on top.