I am borderline personality disorder and bipolar disorder. My mom, whom I was codependent on, died in 2023.
I only lived because of my mom. She was the only one who fully understood me and when she asked me to live for her, I did. (I almost successfully offed myself when I was a teenager and once more as an adult).
Now that she is not here I struggle to live. I’m even married, unhappily. So I ask myself – what is my purpose, why do I continue to try to live, and why am I here?
I can’t see a reason for living. I just wake up and do my job so I have the money to at least survive. But I ignore my bodily issues and more in the hopes that one day I won’t wake up.
I miss having a purpose, a demand – not will, to live.
I see my psych monthly and am regularly adjusting my medicine. I see a therapist with a specialist in BP and BPD. I also saw a grief specialist for a time – I stopped seeing her because her practice wasn’t fitting for me.
What else can I do? To feel like life is worth living?
What do I do?
Comments
What is your relationship with your spouse? is she not helping you mentally?
You’re clinging to survival like a ghost in a world that no longer feels yours but that doesn’t mean the story’s over. Start by choosing one tiny thing to care about because even a flicker of meaning can light a path back from the edge.
Keep going with the therapy.
For some volunteering. Others pet rescues or nature.
Ideally you’d be trying things and seeing if any of them have the feeling you’re looking for. If not, try something else until something works. Having a goal outside of ourselves is often achieved through sampling and effort.