Hi all!
I’m back on the dating scene (kind of) dabbling here and there. I’ve been communicating with a guy I know from work (he no longer works there). He’s really sweet, ambitious, smart, good looking, and funny.
But the ambitious part comes in STRONG! He works A LOT. Which is okay because i too am a bit of a workaholic. The problem lies in how much he talks about it.
I get it, he has a dream and a vision. But quite literally that’s 80% of what he talks about. It’s pretty annoying. I love my career too, but dude life is so much more than that. Can we talk about literally anything else for 10 min? lol
I really am into him aside from that! I wish i knew of a way i can explain this to him without sounding like I don’t believe in his dreams or support them.
Advice?
Comments
I’m too much into my crone era to care about being polite and protecting his delicate feelings, so idk but I’m definitely curious to find out. Is he really worth your time if he doesn’t already realize that he needs to care about what’s going on in your life and that the world doesn’t revolve around him?
Dating is all about finding the person you will want to talk to for the rest of your life. You just met this guy and you’re already trying to get him to stop talking about his main interest. You’re probably just not compatible.
Don’t date people for who you want them to be, date them for who they are.
Hey, you talk about yourself a lot.
If you spend your life working all the time, that’s all you’ll have to talk about.
He should already know this, it’s basic stuff. You don’t wanna start out training one, believe me. Just tell him and his reaction will tell you everything you need to know. If it’s anything other than embarrassment and apologizing then no.
I find that when you feel the need to find ways to train or cajole someone to behave in ways that are different than what comes naturally to them, especially this early on, it’s a strong indicator that the person simply isn’t for you. It’s better for everyone involved when baseline compatibility is default
After the first date, has he ever asked you a question about yourself? And I mean questions about your hobbies, childhood, family etc. – not “how was your day” stuff.
I find there are just some people who have very little curiosity or interest in others aside from how those other people make them feel. I have been on a lot of dates and a few relationships where this happened. I don’t think it’s always narcissism or maliciousness.
But if you value people who are deeply interested in you, your feelings, your thoughts I highly suggest a frank conversation. Maybe that’s just his convo style, he expects you both to volunteer information. Or maybe he doesn’t realize he’s only talking about himself and work. If nothing changes, not for you.
Say “the free market has spoken” and block him.
Don’t go down this road. I dated a guy like this and 2 years later my self esteem was in the shitter bc he only thought about himself. He wasn’t cruel, he just didn’t think about me as a whole person with a whole life I only existed in relation to him
Play him “I Wanna Talk About Me”
If he is the kind of man who talks about himself too much, there is no polite way to help him understand.
You don’t. You throw him back, and try again.
For the “why” I’d suggest Lundy Bancroft’s book.
Link to a free pdf of Lundy Bancroft’s book: Why does he do that? https://ia902200.us.archive.org/19/items/why-does-he-do-that-inside-the-minds-of-bancroft-lundy/Why%20Does%20He%20Do%20That__%20Inside%20the%20Minds%20of%20-%20Bancroft%2C%20Lundy.pdf
Ways that I’ve addressed it:
during a lul in the conversation where he looked at me I replied “oh I’m sorry am I allowed to talk now?”
“wow! I know so much about you! What do you know about me?”
“mmhmm. Hmm. Oh. Mm… 👻”
“would you like to keep going? No no, please, this is great because I don’t really like talking during dates”
OH sorry, you said polite… I’ve got none of that.
Bring the harshness. Say, ‘I’m really into you, but goddamn do you talk about yourself. It’s real fucking annoying.’ Maybe he ends things, but even then, you’d be doing him a favor.
“Hey, I know we see eye to eye on (topic), but I was hoping we could broaden our discussion and learn more about each other. Watching/listening/reading anything great lately?” (You can replace the second half with literally anything. “What’s the best meal you’ve had lately?” “Where are you most looking forward to going when you get time away?” “What’s your darkest childhood trauma?” Whatever works for you!)
You don’t. You put your focus elsewhere. If all this guy does is yap about himself, it means he’s not a good listener. That’s not a good trait for a potential boyfriend.
The basic question is if this is the ‘real’ him or a poor handling of stress talking with someone he really likes by coming back to a topic where there is always ‘news’, a feeling of comfort, and which can’t generate conflict.
You could simply ask in those terms. “Hey, I’ve noticed that you talk about work a lot. I get it. But we’ve talked about it a lot now and it is getting in the way of letting the actual you shine through. I am sure you are more interesting, so let’s catch up on our workplaces for a few minutes when we talk, and then move that to one side and talk about your family, your hobbies, my family, my hobbies, what sort of house we would build if we could, where we would travel if we could. Let’s talk shit and get to know each other rather than aim to impress each other.”
If he does not change his behaviour after such explicit guidance then you have your answer.
With one guy, I said “Is this a monologue or a conversation? Because if it is a monologue I don’t need to be here.” He was better for about 2 minutes and then it went back to the monologue. If I get a lecture I expect college credit for it. There was no second date.
Approach depends entirely on the ego fragility of the man.
I wouldn’t bother. He’s not going to change
Say nothing because odds are if you tell him that he’s going to drop you before you drop him. Just tell him y’all are not compatible and move on.
This post is a perfect example of trying to mitigate your own boundaries just because someone presents as a decent person. If you have to even think of things like this, y’all don’t belong together.
Don’t talk to him
Can’t really change people, self development or growth is one thing, but u think he’s his number 1 priority. He’s just being honest.
Just literally say, “hey can we talk about something else besides work?”
Maybe he’s just nervous about what to talk about
Melhor se afastar, ele parece muito egocêntrico
I was dating a guy and realized we only talked when I asked him questions. Last time I saw him I stopped asking questions, we got quiet, took a snuggly nap together and I haven’t seen him since.
Challenge him gently to talk about his ambitions outside of work. He needs some! Spark around intellectually with him, do some brainstorming, see if there are other areas of life where his ambitious drive could also be positively applied.
He just kind of needs more and different stuff to talk about, different areas of life that interest him. You do, too! Me too! Everyone needs this.
And, it’s a process – not an event. Meaningful communication is so important in relationships, in life in general, and it’s actually quite difficult a skill to develop. Both for oneself and for a partnership.
It seems like you’re both communicative, intelligent people. Have you thought at all about couple’s counseling? It’s a wise time and energy investment, even for healthy, perfectly happy couples.
Don’t bother.
He’s not your guy. I recentally met a guy and I decided not to go on a first date with him bc all he could talk about was traveling and how he liked to travel….it got boring so o figured better as friend. I told him that to save us both time
Invite into the process first. “Hey, we’ve been hanging out/talking a while now and I was wondering if you’d be open to some honest feedback?” If he says yes, just make the observation. “I noticed you talk about work a lot more than other people I’ve encountered. Has anyone told you this before, or maybe you notice it happening, too?” See where that takes you. His reaction will tell you everything you need to know.
Is he on the spectrum? If so he might be used to hearing it
“What else are you in to besides work? For me, I like to ski and hike in the mountains.”
Try and pivot the conversation. If he only talks about work after that, he’s likely one-dimensional. If he doesn’t ask about you at all, you can skip the second date. That’s a self-centered guy.
Sometimes I try to encourage them to change the subject. I know I’m bad about looking away and clearly showing disinterest when they’re talking too much. I try to avoid getting to that point and looking rude.
Politely tell him. He’ll be offended, be sure to apologize, and just tell him you want to explore his other interests.
I’m gonna be a dissenting voice here and say that everyone deserves the equal opportunity to take up space in a relationship. If you feel like his job is taking up too much space then just communicate that.
Don’t tip him off, just stop seeing him.
Dont be polite. We don’t need you to be – in fact, we prefer it when you just tell us straight up. So much easier for everyone involved.