In real life, sex ideally shouldn’t feel transactional or pushy. But at some point, doesn’t it become transactional in the sense that both people are getting something they want?
How do you express desire or move things forward without making it feel like you’re expecting something in return?
Comments
It’s okay of you both (all) want something from the experience. It might help if you think about it as a collaborative process, rather than a tit-for-tat exchange… something with mutually agreed upon goals that you work towards together. Maybe focus on communicating experiences, rather than expectations.
That said, a lot will depend on why and who you are doing it with. Maybe sometimes a more transactional approach works for you. That’s totally okay too,
If we two cook together and then enjoy the meal, that’s not a transaction. If you cook for me and I pay you, that’s a transaction. Even more so if you are annoyed at your job and stay hungry.
Maybe I don’t understand the question, but Like , presumably, you desire your partner, you also desire them to want you. You desire both parties to have a good consensual fun time. I dont think it’s transactional.
i expect sth in return, period and the shortest answer is thats just not a bad thing it doesnt mean i want exploitation it means i want the other person and me to both have a good time in whatever sense i don’t necessarily mean sex.
it doesn’t feel weird to do stuff together when both people are aware that OF COURSE you some point give sth back thats sth you’re even supposed to want to do, a happy relationship where one is just in all aspects a giver and one a taker in all aspects doesn’t exist i would guess and thats okay, if you love the person and somewhat just in general out of commonsense, you’re supposed to strive for this flow you’re talking about but the flow implies exactly that, its just not a problem cause it does come naturally its not i went to the grocery store had to pay 4 pounds for the tomatoes and now unfortunately they have 4 pounds but at least i have tomatoes.
the way this doesn’t feel weird, is cause you more-so feel into weather it all seems good overall. don’t do the dishes already thinking and in ten minutes i expect xyz for this one, in that moment see the joy in offering sth. howeveeer: if you’re having a weird icky feeling, thats when you know usually, that you’re not in a relationship where the other person is currently, weather thats on purpose or not, doing this too and letting there be a natural balance that you have every right to wish for.
also imo this is all not that literal: for example if there’s sth happening one night, the other way round could be what happens the next time if everyone is comfortable with that – but some people need it to happen the same night to feel safe, some people have trauma, some people have specific things they might never wanna do and thats okay!!! and it doesn’t always have to be the exact same thing happening, it just has to feel good for everyone the way it works out
It’s never transactional to me. A transaction is “A will do X if B will do Y.” That kind of thinking has no place in intimate relationships for me. I don’t treat romantic/sexual intimacy or desire as something to barter. To me, the goal is always for everyone involved to enjoy themselves and each other as part of a mutually enjoyable experience. Incorporating transactional interactions into that space wouldn’t be acceptable to me.
I offer to participate in what I’m interested in and listen to what my partner expresses interest in, but we don’t ever treat anything as a transaction. We can offer an experience or request one without feeling like there’s any tit-for-tat expectation involved.
I don’t feel expressing desire feels like a transaction so I just tell them usually.