I’m a 22 year old man, I’m using regarded as the golden retriever type between my friends. I used to be a people pleaser but I grew out of it but some of it remains in me. Whenever I’m out with guys, especially the ones that are more out going they seem to all understand this game they’re playing like they’re making fun of each other but exactly on the same wave length not too much not too little. I used to think I was just bad it because I was new to the group, but I’ve seen multiple guys who are also new to the group and blend in great with that environment. So how do I understand the joke or the rhythm that’s going on, I feel like most of the time I’m either too hard on the joke or too lame/predictable with it. I feel like the lack of this humor makes me miss a lot less fun to be around in general even in non men only settings. Or if I’m just trying to fit in to something that isn’t my mold I’d appreciate that advice too.
How does guys banter/busting balls work?
r/AskMen
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I’m similar to you and I learned to be honest with myself and it’s not in my nature to bust balls. My friends accept me and bust each others balls and sometime me. I’m not unpleasant to be around and I’m friendly and my friends accept me as I am.
Be yourself and don’t think too hard about if the jokes land or not.
Not everybody has to be funny or give others shit. People also like having someone around who is earnest and genuine.
Is it about joking with friends? A small joke can increase the meaning in friendship. If you’re worried about people liking you w potential crude joke start by comedy that I did.
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Think of it as verbal pillow fighting. You can exchange blows but if it ever hurts than you’re doing it wrong.
Sounds like anxiety my man. You’ll don’t seem comfortable in your own shoes which leads to classic overthinking. It helps in these situations to be in the present and pay attention to your surroundings, and practice makes perfect. But finding someone to talk about why you you’re holding onto some of these “people pleasing” tendencies is the best solution imho. Can’t be happy among groups when you’re anxious with yourself.
Don’t try to be a person you’re not. Be the lame joke guy. I remember with one of my friends group, I would joke kill and it would be hilarious. Embrace who you are and learn as you go.
And you gotta experiment with jokes too. See what works and what doesn’t. Certain styles hit or miss with different groups.
I’m not going to use the same style with Men vs. Women.
You ever talk shit with randoms in video game voice chat? Start there. If one of my best friends said what you just said in your post to me id ask them if they were on their period. Every friend group has different levels of shit talking, find yours. See how far they go and match that energy.
The key point is that it’s said primarily to be funny, not hurtful. It should never be more hurtful than it is funny. So the funnier you are, the edgier you get to be.
Test the waters.
Make a joke and say something slightly mean but make sure to be smiling very big when you say it so they know you’re just joking. If they clap back with something, you’re fine. If they get quiet or walk away, you either went too far or they’re socially inept.
Nothing wrong with being the quiet guy, talking less and listening/ observing more also gives you the chance to understand how they joke and the group dynamics. Then you can try jumping in.
Im 23 similar but i still blend in decently well I’m definitely not as outgoing or wild as my friends and I’m definitely not super talkative so when i joke its usually just about what somebody’s doing like say I’m out golfing and one of the guys wiffs the ball, my first response will probably be a “damn let that one get away from you” or “bruh you’re about as good as my left nut”. I never joke about family members, girlfriends, or other people behind their back as those are all subjects i don’t want touched towards me. Pretty much whatever type of joke you give be willing to take the same back without getting butthurt about it.
In any functioning friend group, they should be matching your energy when it comes to this kind of thing. If you don’t enjoy or aren’t skilled with banter, the best strategy is to roll with it. You may consider yourself as being the “lame” one, but having someone who’s earnest and warm in the group is its own contribution.
If you feel you need to change to improve yourself, consider practicing humor that is more compatible with your personality. There’s nothing wrong with being the “funny guy” instead of the “slick guy” if you understand my gist.