My niece (4) and nephew’s (6) maternal grandfather passed away recently from cancer. Their mom is grieving, distraught and has a hard time answering questions they have, especially my nephew who seems obsessed with death. He constantly asks if he will die if he does something. Ex: “if I backflip off the bed will I die?” “If I eat too much ice cream will I die?”, etc.
Their mom told them their pawpaw is “in heaven”, but he asks if pawpaw can see or hear him. My niece doesn’t understand that she’ll never see her pawpaw again.
Their dad (my younger brother) is a useless loser whose response is to angrily shout “stop asking those kinds of questions”. I’m wondering how can I help? I’m very close to them and I’m their favourite aunt. My nephew recently asked me if his pawpaw can hear or see him from heaven. I wasn’t sure what to say in the moment, so I said “honestly buddy, I don’t know, but I do know he would want you to be happy, do well in school and be the best version of yourself”. He thought about what I said, hugged me and ran off to play Mario Kart.
For context (not sure if it helps) their mom and her family are Catholic, and my family are pretty secular but raised Jehovah’s Witness.
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Some kids movies surrounding the subject of death/loss/mourning can absolutely help not only expose children to those things, but also put things into perspective and open up some dialog about these things. Here are some recommendations that I saw made the most impact on my own child and good for the ages you mentioned.
Onward: Teenage elf brothers embark on a magical quest to spend one more day with their dead father. Deals with grief.
Coco: Young boy explores the land of the dead looking for an ancestor. Movie explores death, generational trauma, and what it means to remember and honor the those who passed.
Up: follows a widowed old man going on his late wife’s dream trip to honor. Deals with grief.
Corpse Bride: A man gets dragged to the land of the dead after accidentally marrying a corpse. An entertaining movie that kind of normalized the idea of dying. Even has a song about how we all die and death isn’t so scary. It’s natural.
Warning, these first 3 all have very sad moments. Kids may cry, but honestly, I think that’s important for developing empathy.
I can understand that it’s a stressful time for your brother, and he may be exhausted and emotional from the repeated death questions. But they are completely healthy and normal, and shutting them down doesn’t help.
It sounds like you’re already answering their questions in a perfect way.
My oldest was 3 when my grandmother died and he started asking death questions. Just stick to straightforward answers, gentle facts, and “what do you think?”
Try to avoid things like “sleeping forever” (that could make sleeping scary for them) and other euphemisms. Just gently explain that they had a serious illness that caused their body to stop working (but be sure to emphasize that it’s nothing like the colds they get all the time).
And we are personally not religious, but I just kind of leave it up to my kids as far as afterlife/”where are they now” questions. I explain my thoughts, say that some people believe in an afterlife, and say that different people believe different things but no one really knows for sure.
I don’t complicate it. I just say “Death is when the body stops working.”
They may have some follow ups but for the most part it helps them get it. What’s most important is the delivery.
Try something like this. Adjust it as required for your beliefs – it’s okay to make it more/less religious, the important messages to get across are that dying = gone forever, not all illnesses = death, and it’s okay to be sad, but you can find your own way of honouring their memory.
Dying is when your body stops working. Lots of things can cause it – namely accidents and illness. Accidents are usually sudden and unexpected, things like car crashes. Illnesses can be sudden or predictable. Illnesses are when your body has something wrong with it. Anyone can get ill, but usually only old people die from getting illnesses. In your grandfather’s case, he got an illness called cancer. This is where his body grows lumps that should not be there. Cancer can sometimes be treated, but your grandfather’s treatment was unsuccessful. The best thing you can do to not get ill, is to keep healthy – eat well and exercise.
When somebody dies, their soul leaves their body and they go to heaven. When this happens they are gone and we cannot see them anymore. They are never coming back. (side note, this is really important to make clear) But it’s okay, heaven is a lovely place where your grandfather gets to do all the things he likes doing. Whenever you are missing him, you can pray, he, and all the other dead people you know will be listening, but wont be able to talk back, and it’s okay to be sad about that. You can talk to me any time – it’s always nice to remember someone.
My father-in-law died during the pandemic when my kids were 5 and 6. My son would ask questions very similar to this. I was direct with both of them about what happened and why Grandpa was no longer with us, but in terms they would understand. His questions continued for a few weeks months afterwards, but it felt more like he was trying to understand grief and how to respond to it. They did not have an especially close relationship because of distance, but knew that he was loved. I think it’s a good idea to be open to the conversation about death and how it’s okay to be sad, and it’s also okay to move on after awhile. There’s no “right way” to grieve, and he sounds totally normal to me.
My husband died when our kids were 2 & 3 years old. He died by suicide and he never showed his struggles to the kids, so it wasn’t a prolonged illness from their perspective. It was a sudden, unexpected goodbye.
Once they started asking about him, I was told to use simple, straightforward language and to try first to help them understand that death means a body stops working. In this case you could tell them that his body got very sick and he wasn’t able to get better, so he died.
The spiritual/religious side of things can be a little tougher. We don’t really talk about heaven or god in our house, as we’re not religious.
We do talk about how daddy is gone and can’t come back, how he was sick & couldn’t fight it anymore so he died, and how we still have his love in our hearts, and his memories. We can look at pictures of him and tell stories and talk about him, and to him. He will always love us and we will always love him. Our oldest is 5 now and has really started asking about him a lot again. New questions about where is he now, can he see us, and “I wish people never die so they can stay with us forever”. It’s painful for me, but he’s just trying to process and understand. I try to be as honest and upfront as I can. I don’t know where he is, except that he can’t come back. I still talk to him and I like to think he gets to see his kids growing up, wherever he may be. I don’t shy away from the fact I’m sad about missing their dad, because I want them to know it’s okay to miss people when they’re gone and to be sad.
This is such a hard thing for your SIL to have to go through, but unfortunately she can’t just shut down. She needs to help the kids understand at least to some degree. For me, talking to my kids about losing their dad was excruciating at first, but it got a little easier with time. I think talking to them about it helped me process through my own grief.
As they hit new developmental stages, they’ll start asking again because they’re able to cognate differently and understand more deeply. It may be extra difficult for your SIL since this is obviously hitting her hard, but it’s good to know and be prepared for. I’d suggest she talk to a child-focused therapist or counselor, so she understands better how to be there for her kids without her heart shattering into pieces every time there’s a question about their pawpaw. I don’t know that the kids necessarily need grief counseling or therapy, but I think she may benefit from it.
I think you already know this, but your brother needs to pull his head out of his butt. At the very least he needs to stop yelling at his kids.
From my perspective, you’re doing the right things, as well as you can as an aunt & not a parent. I’m so sorry for your family’s loss and I wish everyone the best on their grief journey.
A few books that can help are Forever and Always and the Invisible String. Honestly, just be open to questions, and if the 6yo is in school, get mom to talk to the school about him talking with the councilor. My oldest nephew was 8 when my dad passed, and even now, four years later, he still talks with his school councilor about. If he was close with his pawpaw, it’s gonna be tough for a good while, at 6yo he’s gonna keep his memories of his pawpaw ,while the 4yo may lose hers.
Honestly, just be open to the questions, crying, and frustration. The 6yo isn’t really obsessed with death, he’s just scared and trying to understand. I would also talk to mom and see if she would like some help, whether alone time to grieve herself, or even taking the kids to maybe talk with their priest.
A great website with tons of resources on the topic is the National Alliance for Children’s Grief. They have resources to help make the conversation age appropriate for multiple age groups, as well as activities to help children process their grief and learn how to create new memories/traditions that honor their loved one. TBH I find their resources useful as a an adult who lost loved ones!
My son passed away a few months ago. His 4 year old brother still doesn’t quite understand it. We tried to talk to him about death even before my son’s death (he was very sick, and time was estimated).
He asks can we video call his brother? I said no, sweety. And how about just call without video? I again said, no we can’t do that. People lives in Heaven without phones and we can’t send them letters.
It is actually heart breaking.
I asked the same thing a few months ago and got plenty useful comments. You can check my profile if you want to see.
[ Removed by Reddit ]
“Grandfather is in heaven now because God knew he was sick and didn’t want him to be sick anymore. He can definitely see and hear you from heaven.”
My son was almost 4 when his dad passed away. He didn’t understand, thankfully. What I did was have him release a balloon for birthdays or whatever special occasion, and the explanation I gave him was he would be able to catch the balloon when it got to heaven. When my favorite great aunt died, my mom took me outside and told me to look up to the sky and pointed out the brightest star. She said that was her watching over me.
I send my condolences. This provides a good general overview on this: https://www.todaysparent.com/family/family-life/how-to-talk-to-kids-about-death-2/
My father died on Monday. I have an almost 2yo son, and two nieces aged 4 and 5.
Let me tell you how we have handled it as a family.
To the little girls, I told them that Granda was dead. When they asked me what that means, I told them that his body stopped working, and he cannot do things like walking or speaking or sleeping or eating anymore.
They asked me will they die. I told them that Granda only died now because he had been very very sick with something called cancer, and it hurt his body until it stopped working. But I made sure to reassure them that theirs and their Mummy and Daddy’s bodies were healthy and working very well. They won’t die, and their parents won’t die. They don’t need to be frightened.
I took my toddler to see my father in his coffin. I asked him who it was, he said “Granda”. I told him “I’m sorry, but Granda has died, and we can’t play with him anymore.” After that, I took him to play and his day continued as normal. When he is older, we can talk about it again.
I don’t know if any of that helps, but this is how we have dealt with it.