My job implemented a work place policy about texting. Our supervisor was very strict and we were on camera so everyone was nervous about getting caught after that. I decided to leave my phone in my work locker to avoid the temptation. But this also meant I didn’t have access to texting my SO the minute I felt anxious. The first time I encountered that feeling I thought I was going to have a panic attack. I had never quite learned how to self-soothe my way through those anxious feelings because he was always there to reassure me But now that he couldn’t be I just had to grit my teeth through it. And guess what? It worked. Learning to be okay with being uncomfortable for a bit was the best for of healing. It taught me to trust. It taught me that I could and would get through it. It taught me that a lot of the anxious scenarios that were going on were just in my head. It taught me to self-soothe and not rely on my partner to reassure me.
Is your SO avoidant? Do they make you feel anxious?
I was super surprised to feel anxious in my last relationship cause it had never ever happened to me before (and I’m old). After lots of thinking and introspection, I took my own responsibility but also realized that who he was as a person in a relationship was making me anxious. He’s not a bad person, just not someone that expresses anything. Avoidant also. And for some reason it triggered the worse of me
By understanding what it was and realizing that it was deeply rooted in old family stuff from not having my emotional needs met by my parents. So I kept trying to get these guys I was dating to heal those wounds, without their permission. Lots of therapy, lots of reading, lots of walks in nature, lots of talks with friends. And then one day I was dating and realized I was perfectly OK with or without this person–I’d like to be together, but I’m not going to die if something happened between us and we were no longer together. He and I have been together for a decade, and I (mostly) no longer have those anxious attachment responses if he acts like a flawed human being. I used to flip out if my boyfriend didn’t respond to a text right away, for example. Now I don’t because A) I know my guy and I know he’s easily distracted and B) I know that him not answering a text right away is not an indication of his love for me. I no longer have that insecurity about my relationship, like I used to.
Honestly, my partner helped me to heal and I don’t think I could have done it otherwise. The key is that I was able to practice behaviors that allowed me to heal in a safe and trusting relationship. In the past, even if I tried to do what I knew I should have been doing, the avoidant behavior of my past partners kind of spun us into a never-ending negative feedback loop. I credit my partner’s own security to let me actually act on what I’d become self-aware of through lots of therapy.
It’s an ongoing practice. I use Cognitive Behavioral Therapy principles to identify/acknowledge my feelings and then try to consciously choose actions that will ultimately make me feel good and get good results. It involved coming totally clean to people when I started getting to know them, and then finding someone with the emotional maturity to give me a little more attention in a day than he might give someone else.
This has taken about 13 years, but it’s been a steady improvement the whole time and definitely worth the effort.
Learning to enjoy my own company helped a lot. I stopped chasing constant reassurance and started setting boundaries. Journaling helped me understand where the fear was coming from. Still working on it, but it gets easier.
I got into a lot of stoic and Buddhist teachings. Read about things like law of detachment, how attachment leads to suffering, the only way to move on is to face your pain head on, etc
For me, I always thought I had an anxious attachment style. As I got older, I learned through experience that I was simply anxiously attached when I was with people who weren’t all that emotionally available or were avoidants.
Comments
Yes! At least I think I have
My job implemented a work place policy about texting. Our supervisor was very strict and we were on camera so everyone was nervous about getting caught after that. I decided to leave my phone in my work locker to avoid the temptation. But this also meant I didn’t have access to texting my SO the minute I felt anxious. The first time I encountered that feeling I thought I was going to have a panic attack. I had never quite learned how to self-soothe my way through those anxious feelings because he was always there to reassure me But now that he couldn’t be I just had to grit my teeth through it. And guess what? It worked. Learning to be okay with being uncomfortable for a bit was the best for of healing. It taught me to trust. It taught me that I could and would get through it. It taught me that a lot of the anxious scenarios that were going on were just in my head. It taught me to self-soothe and not rely on my partner to reassure me.
Is your SO avoidant? Do they make you feel anxious?
I was super surprised to feel anxious in my last relationship cause it had never ever happened to me before (and I’m old). After lots of thinking and introspection, I took my own responsibility but also realized that who he was as a person in a relationship was making me anxious. He’s not a bad person, just not someone that expresses anything. Avoidant also. And for some reason it triggered the worse of me
By understanding what it was and realizing that it was deeply rooted in old family stuff from not having my emotional needs met by my parents. So I kept trying to get these guys I was dating to heal those wounds, without their permission. Lots of therapy, lots of reading, lots of walks in nature, lots of talks with friends. And then one day I was dating and realized I was perfectly OK with or without this person–I’d like to be together, but I’m not going to die if something happened between us and we were no longer together. He and I have been together for a decade, and I (mostly) no longer have those anxious attachment responses if he acts like a flawed human being. I used to flip out if my boyfriend didn’t respond to a text right away, for example. Now I don’t because A) I know my guy and I know he’s easily distracted and B) I know that him not answering a text right away is not an indication of his love for me. I no longer have that insecurity about my relationship, like I used to.
Honestly, my partner helped me to heal and I don’t think I could have done it otherwise. The key is that I was able to practice behaviors that allowed me to heal in a safe and trusting relationship. In the past, even if I tried to do what I knew I should have been doing, the avoidant behavior of my past partners kind of spun us into a never-ending negative feedback loop. I credit my partner’s own security to let me actually act on what I’d become self-aware of through lots of therapy.
It’s an ongoing practice. I use Cognitive Behavioral Therapy principles to identify/acknowledge my feelings and then try to consciously choose actions that will ultimately make me feel good and get good results. It involved coming totally clean to people when I started getting to know them, and then finding someone with the emotional maturity to give me a little more attention in a day than he might give someone else.
This has taken about 13 years, but it’s been a steady improvement the whole time and definitely worth the effort.
Learning to enjoy my own company helped a lot. I stopped chasing constant reassurance and started setting boundaries. Journaling helped me understand where the fear was coming from. Still working on it, but it gets easier.
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I got into a lot of stoic and Buddhist teachings. Read about things like law of detachment, how attachment leads to suffering, the only way to move on is to face your pain head on, etc
For me, I always thought I had an anxious attachment style. As I got older, I learned through experience that I was simply anxiously attached when I was with people who weren’t all that emotionally available or were avoidants.