To make a very long story short, I was transferred to a new team with a different managing VP at my work. I really liked and respected him, he was kind, brilliant and reasonable in terms of his expectations for my workload, work/life balance and decision-making autonomy.
Things were going well at the beginning; we found a good groove and started hitting our stride. That is – of course – until I started screwing everything up, flaking out on my responsibilities and rapidly burning through all the trust and goodwill he initially extended.
I came to his team already burnt out, and eventually my deteriorating initiative and noticeable apathy became un-ignorable. All that combined with a sudden personal-life crisis that seriously distracted me for a few months over the winter and my fate was pretty much sealed. He was over it, he couldn’t trust me anymore, he needed someone more motivated in my position and so he decided to get rid of me.
I don’t blame him for his decision and hold no ill will towards him, and I know I’ll land on my feet job-wise – but I can’t get over my lingering sense of shame, self disgust and disappointment. I don’t usually dwell on other people’s perceptions of me, but the fact that someone I like, respect, and admire witnessed me at my absolute worst is totally devastating!
I’m not going to be weird or inappropriate and try to reach out to him to plead my case. I know this is something I’ll have to live with and work through myself, it’s not his job to reassure me or make me feel better!! But since I’m clearly still bothered by his (completely justified) negative opinion about me, I’m reaching out to yall in case anyone has been in a similar situation. How have you forgiven yourself after disappointing someone who matters to you, letting yourself down in the process????
Love you. Please be nice – I know that I messed up here and I’ve definitely learned an important lesson.
Comments
Could it be that you are beating yourself up for being burnt out by late stage capitalism, and instead of blaming the awful hustle culture system, you are blaming yourself? It’s not your fault if you come to a role with nothing in the tank, it’s the fault of your previous role/manager. But to answer your question, when I was beating myself over a big thing (putting up with a bad boyfriend), a few therapy sessions really helped. Perhaps that needs to be part of your healing journey.
I learned CBT skills in therapy to think about my emotions in a more helpful and pragmatic way.