My mother (52f) and I (28f) are not on good terms.
Throughout my life, she has been (often and regularly, but not always) mean, aggressive, cold, hurtful and dishonest. She has also been (at times) kind, generous and thoughtful. She is not an evil monster and I’ve never claimed her to be — I am capable of understanding her as a nuanced person — but I don’t trust her, don’t particularly like her, and feel generally tense and uncomfortable around her. I keep her at arm’s length and always have done.
This was never a huge problem for anyone until I gave birth to my daughter (now aged 2). Now my mother feels entitled to a level of contact with my daughter that I feel is inappropriate given my own relationship with her. There have been comments made about how weird it is that I won’t let her babysit, and she has said that it isn’t fair that she only sees my child every few weeks.
Recently, my mother sent me a lengthy letter, in which she said that she feels she is being “punished” for “not being the perfect parent”. She said that I am rewriting history when I talk about my childhood and have invented a tragic backstory to make myself seem more interesting (I’ve never done this, I’ve literally just raised some issues that were impactful at the time and still affect me today), that she feels hard done by, that I am being unfair and unkind, that she was a good mother and that I had a very happy childhood (and am not allowed to feel differently), and that I have forgotten everything she’s ever done for me all because of “a couple of times where I lost my temper and you were told off”.
I suggested that, rather than sending emails back and forth (which I honestly think is pathetic and childish), we should actually sit down and discuss it face-to-face like adults. She has agreed.
I’m planning on going through her letter point by point, but am also wondering whether it’s worth writing down every single thing I remember her doing throughout my life that has impacted my trust in her or has negatively affected me. If I do this, she’ll make herself the victim even more and will claim that I’m doing it to upset her. But if I don’t, she will keep saying that it’s just a couple of incidents, in reference to the handful of things I’ve already raised with her.
Some of this includes stuff like:
My earliest memory is of her shouting at me for having an accident during potty training. I continued to have toileting issues until I was in high school, which I either hid or was punished for, and it was a source of shame and fear for me.
She lost her temper and hit us a couple of times, which was terrifying. She never apologised at the time and hasn’t really apologised in adulthood, saying things like “all parents make mistakes”. She told me recently that she slapped me on the leg when I was five months old because I wouldn’t stop crying, and as a mother myself, I think this is horrific and would never dream of raising a hand to my child.
When my brother and I would misbehave, she would pretend to phone the orphanage and say that she was going to give us up for adoption. I think this is emotional abuse but I’ve confronted her about it in adulthood and she says that it was “unkind” but that her friends have all done worse to their kids “and they don’t seem scarred for life”.
When I got my first period, she called my aunt (my dad’s sister, who we’re not close to and who I probably saw once a year at this point) for her “advice” and described the colour and texture of my blood to see whether it was normal. I was mortified. This was circa 2009, she could’ve Googled it. Also, she’s been a woman herself.
When I was struggling with an eating disorder as a teenager, in large part due to the diet culture in our house and my mother’s constant monitoring of my body, commenting on my body and occasional forced weighing, she punished me for it.
On several occasions in early adulthood, my brother told me that our mother had been complaining about me to him behind my back, saying that I’d gained too much weight or was wasting my life in a dead-end job (my first job out of high school, I was 18 and still trying to decide what to do with my life).
Since I became a mother, she’s managed to make little snipes and criticisms about my parenting. She told me that I was lucky to have had a caesarean because they’re easier (she hasn’t had any). When I was struggling with breastfeeding and could only use one nursing position for several weeks due to my baby’s poor latch, then switched to a traditional cradle hold, my mother said, “Oh good, that’s the right way to do it, I hated how you were holding her before”. When I mentioned that I didn’t like another relative calling my newborn baby “my little girl”, my mother told me that I was being too sensitive. She accidentally sent a text meant for someone else, in which she was slagging me off for being too sensitive about my baby, to me.
I could go on. But should I bother? Is it worth giving her an exhaustive list of my grievances, when she’s never going to understand?
Comments
I’m really sorry. You’ve been through a lot so is your brother.
I think that you should tell your mother when you sit down with her that you want to talk and not be interrupted. And that when you’re done, you will allow her to talk uninterrupted. And I think you should walk her through multiple examples, like you have above of things she did that scarred you.
And her minimizing, the things she did, belittling, you and your feelings, says that she is definitely not someone you want to spend a lot of time with your child. What kind of psycho hits a five month old for crying?
I think you’re doing the right thing and putting a lot more distance between you and her. I’d like to tell you that she will consider what you said and apologize profusely, but I doubt she will ever own up to her abusive behavior.
I’m glad you came through it. I’m glad you’re a very different kind of parent. I wish you all the best.
Be honest but don’t open the floodgates all at once, keep it focused on what really matters now. Dropping every single grievance might just fuel her victim act and stall any real progress. Protect your peace and set boundaries, not a full-on history lesson.
Be prepared for her to minimize, deflect, rationalize and make excuses for everything. This will give you enough information to decide if she deserves to be in your life or the life of your child. I hope you protect yourself, your mental health and your family.
I would not do this. Especially if the instinct you have right now is to go through her letter point by point. That will not work.
I recommend doing this conversation with the help of a therapist. Do not bring the letter. Bring your own thoughts and feelings, and stay true to those – rather than being reactionary.