This should be easy but it feels really complex.
I’ve been with my boyfriend for 3 years. I have two sons, ages 10 and 5, from a previous relationship. My boyfriend is really close to my kids, they love him like a dad, I’m pretty sure my little one thinks he is his dad after all this time and how close they are, which doesn’t help how I’m feeling…
We are just not happy. The things we have in common are not enough. He is always gone working, and while I appreciate his work ethic and his ability to hold down a job (something my ex could NOT do), I work full time and am a solo parent 90% of the time while he’s gone, and i pay all my own bills and expenses. Anything he gives me is extra, and I know I could go without it. So I’m not dependent on him financially. I don’t need him to run my house, I do it all on my own.
I am extroverted, and I like to go out with friends and coworkers, and go out on dates, and go to movies, and plan trips and try new foods…. He doesn’t. And not only does he not like those things, he doesn’t try to compromise and do things for me or with me. He just doesn’t do them, and then I don’t do them, because we aren’t doing them together. Being with him has been so isolating for this reason.
I want to get married, and when we’ve argued, he makes it clear he doesn’t want to get married. I would be ok having another baby, and he doesn’t want that.
Every time he comes home, I think we both feel like we should end things, but for the sake of keeping the peace we just don’t. For at least the last year, things have been SO stagnant.
I also have his dog at my house all the time when he’s gone, and while I love the dog and he’s well trained and in all senses he’s the family dog, it’s a huge responsibility, and he’s a big dog and we’re in a small apartment with no yard. When it’s not a dog I asked for or got myself or signed up for, it feels like a huge burden…
He’s supposed to be home again this weekend, and I don’t want to keep doing this. I feel like I’m counting down to when he leaves again when he’s home.
I feel like I’m betraying my kids if I break up with him. He isn’t abusive or an alcoholic like past relationships I’ve had. He doesn’t steal from me or mooch off me- like I said we are both financially independent. We just don’t get along, things are stale, and he’s always gone anyway and I want more. I want to be adored and have fun with my partner if I’m going to have one.
I just don’t know what to do, how to do this without being the huge asshole that throws him to the curb. I feel like I’m blindsiding him, but also like how could he not see this coming?
I just don’t know…
Comments
Welcome to /r/relationship_advice. Please make sure you read our rules here. We’d like to take this time to remind users that:
We do not allow any type of am I the asshole? or situations/content involving minors
We do not allow users to privately message other users based on their posts here. Users found to be engaging in this conduct will be banned. We highly encourage OP to turn off the ability to be privately messaged in their settings.
Any sort of namecalling, insults,etc will result in the comment being removed and the user being banned. (Including but not limited to: slut, bitch, whore, for the streets, etc. It does not matter to whom you are referring.)
ALL advice given must be good, ethical advice. Joke advice or advice that is conspiratorial or just plain terrible will be removed, and users my be subject to a ban.
No referencing hateful subreddits and/or their rhetoric. Examples include, but is not limited to: red/blue/black/purplepill, PUA, FDS, MGTOW, etc. This includes, but is not limited to, referring to people as alpha/beta, calling yourself or users “friend-zoned”, referring to people as Chads, Tyrones, or Staceys, pick-me’s, or pornsick. Any infractions of this rule will result in a ban. This is not an all-inclusive list.
All bans in this subreddit are permanent. You don’t get a free pass.
Anyone found to be directly messaging users for any reason whatsoever will be banned.
What we cannot give advice on: rants, unsolicited advice, medical conditions/advice, mental illness, letters to an ex, “body counts” or number of sexual partners, legal problems, financial problems, situations involving minors, and/or abuse (violence, sexual, emotional etc). All of these will be removed and locked. This is not an all-inclusive list.
If you have any questions, please message the mods
This is an automatic comment that appears on all posts. This comment does not necessarily mean your post violates any rules.
I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please contact the moderators of this subreddit if you have any questions or concerns.
Leave it. You are not compatible and you function as roommates. You can be friends if he wants, your children do not have to lose a male figure who loves them if you agree.
I hope you can enjoy being single, or meeting another person who is more compatible with your interests, good luck!
You popped up in my update me from a post from 2 years ago where you had been with your ex for 9 years and only had a 2.5 year old.
Your current you’ve been with for 3 years and you have a 10 year old?
“You’re a good man, but we want different things. It’s best that we separate.”
Keep us updated
Have you talked to him about what you’re feeling? If he made changes, would you feel different about him?
You never need a reason to break up, but i think it’s always important to make sure you tried every avenue before giving up so that you at least know you gave it everything before walking away.
Your kids will feel it, and maybe there is a way he can be in their life still, maybe not. But it’s important to know that it will affect your kids. If he’s open to it, he might still want to visit them from time to time.
Hope it all works out. However, it needs to work out.
Never stay for the kids. It’s a huge mistake that people make time and time again. Children also pick up on unhappy relationships, and end up getting in those same types of relationships when they’re older. Be proud of yourself for being able to do all on your own. That’s huge and says a lot about you as a person and mother. Don’t stay. Life is far too short and you only have one life to live. Go be happy!
Things don’t have to be abusive to be justified in ending a relationship. The kids of course make things complicated. A split will hurt them but kids are resilient and be aware that they feel the tension and being in an unhappy home hurts them too, just more slowly and subtly. You can start by seeking some therapy for yourself (figuring out how to best navigate this for them and to find what you need to be a happy, healthy single mom and, if needed, for them. You may be more worried about the 5 year old but the @0 year old is prepubescent and will likely struggle with change but internalize it more. If you & bf can/will, a slow transition might be easier on the kids but harder on the two of you.
It doesn’t seem like it would be possible to blind side him at this point, he almost certainly knows this day is coming and having you do it will probably be a relief to him. Your children are another matter if you can afford it a child psychologist would help you and them understand adult stuff and how trapped you’ve been feeling