I’ve (35F) never had a good relationship with my mother (61F). Ever since my brother (30M) was born she’s favoured him. Even as a young child I remember my dad getting upset with her for treating us differently. He got name brand clothing and I got Walmart and goodwill, he did every sport and activity, I got only girl guides. One year a week after Halloween she threw out my candy and not my brother’s (I was a fat kid, but still). We’ve never had any of the same interests, my mom is a tomboy, and I like all the girly stuff. She went to all of my brothers sporting events, and didn’t attend the musicals I was in. One year when my brother did join the high school play, she went every single night.
Things got better between my mother and I when I moved out, but recently she’s come to live in my house because of a rocky relationship with my father and and injury that left her needing care. She’s been here about 4 months and it feels like all the issues from my childhood have resurfaced. It’s very obvious she likes my brother and even my husband (35M) more than me. He tone of voice is different when she talks to me, she doesn’t talk or open up nearly as much (if at all), doesn’t ask me any questions or know anything about my life.
I have broken down and begged her to just tell me why she doesn’t like me, but she insists there’s no difference in the way she treats me and anyone else.
Recently, things had been okay for a bit, my coworkers were planning a visit to Medieval Times. I was telling my husband while my mother was present, and I made a joke like “I’ve never been before, summer camp was going, but my mom wouldn’t pay for it.” It was pretty clear it was a joke, and my mom joked back, but it kind of escalated until she said “Well I paid for you to go to England and France in 12th grade.” Only she didn’t. She told me if I wanted to go I had to pay for the trip and she would give me some spending money. I even remember the cost of the trip was $2,300. I had a job already and saved up. I remember clearly filling out the forms and making payments in instalments.
This led to me feeling pretty bad and I ended up asking my mom about other things from my childhood. When I was 18 she planned a trip for her, my dad, my brother, and my brother’s friend to an amusement park and didn’t invite me. She tried to cover it up until the night before when my brother’s friend slept over and I got suspicious. I remember my dad getting very upset about it because she told him I had to work, he didn’t know I was never invited. Her excuse was that I worked every Saturday. She doesn’t remember this at all and just said “I wouldn’t have done that.”
Another memory was that I got accepted to my goal university and remember calling her so excited and all she said was “okay”. She insists that wasn’t true, but I clearly remember feeling so deflated and going from the highest high to immediately crying. My parents also gave me the choice between going away for school and they would pay for my first year of living expenses, or going to the local university and they would buy me a car. I wanted to go to my goal school, but when I got back from the aforementioned trip, a car was waiting on the driveway with a big bow, so my choice was made for me. I didn’t even have a divers licence yet. My mom again, insists this is not what happened. She says I went car shopping with them and chose that car, and when they brought it home my dad wanted to get the bow, but it was my choice and it didn’t happen while I was out of the country.
I’m sure all of this is making me sound spoiled, but my parents are immigrants who worked and saved really hard, and I’ve always been employed since I was 15 years old. The car wasn’t something crazy expensive, it was 8-10 years old at the time and I remember them telling me the top of the budget for the car was $4,000.
The difference between my mom’s recollection of my childhood and my own has really shaken me. I truly don’t know if I made all these things up and forgotten the truth, or if she’s forgotten, or if I’m being gaslit. I would’ve an easier time believing her side if I were younger when these things happened, but I was 16-18 years old. These were traumatic events to me. When I explained to my husband my relationship with my mother, these are the things I told him. And not just recently, I told him these things 10+ years ago.
Please help me work this out, at the very least so I can get it off my mind. Thoughts of this issue have been really intrusive since it all happened and I’m very upset about it all.
TL;DR – my mother has a totally different memory of all the events of my childhood that I view as negative, and I’m not sure how to deal with this revelation.
Comments
She does not have a different memory, she knows what she did and will continue to treat you that way while making you doubt yourself. Textbook gaslighting. Make her move out, her golden child can take care of her if necessary or she can fix her issues with your dad. It should NEVER have been you to take her in, protect your peace.
Oh honey.
You remember correctly. Your mother clearly favored her son over you, and is embarrassed to be called out.
I’d tell her to pack up her shit and go live with the kid she cared about
This is your mom’s problem, not yours. I don’t know whether she’s actively lying or has twisted things around in her head to avoid having to face how shitty she’s been, but the end result is the same: she doesn’t want to have to admit or take accountability for being a shitty parent and person, and she’s not going to. You need to come to terms with that and decide whether you want to maintain a relationship with her anyway knowing it’s never going to be what you really want from her, or if it’s time to stop giving so freely of your resources and energy to someone who will never return the favor, even if she tries to spin that into you being the bad guy.
Look…why did you even let your mum come and live with you? Why can’t she live with your brother, or in a care home?
Also….where was your dad all those years? How comes he didn’t protect you better, and made sure that you’re treated equally?
She’s a liar, and she’s living with you because she values her son more and thinks as the daughter she’s entitled to have you look after her. You need to ask her to leave. Your bro can put her up.
Also, speak to your dad. He stood by and allowed this to happen. You won’t stop being triggered by her previous shitty treatment of you whilst she’s still in your home, lying through her teeth about your upbringing.
You know what happened, You lived through it and you succeeded despite her neglect and disdain.
My mom does this. I think she has a mental block around the truth because she doesn’t want to believe how poorly she treated me. It’s easier for her to pretend than to confront herself with the truth.
You should know that the problem was never you. It’s her.
My mum is exactly the same. She is a narcissist which means she can never admit fault. She will rewrite history and lie to ensure she is the victim. She has a strong emotional reaction to perceived criticism or rejection (this is known as narcissistic injury) leading her to lash out or shut down and ignore me. She needs lots of validation or praise or she becomes jealous, moody or upset, or narcissistic rage. She acts like a martyr when called out, playing the victim to anyone who will listen starting a smear campaign against me. She is passive aggressive and manipulative using gaslighting, silent treatment and guilt tripping to get what she wants.
What do you do? Keep your cool and grey rock. Keep things superficial and don’t feed into her need for attention. Learn her patterns and tactics to manipulate, set clear boundaries and limit your interactions, but know when to walk away from the relationship.
Send your mom home. She will never care about you, you don’t have a dick. To her you’re just the person to support her.
In her mind it doesn’t even occur to her that you might want something different because she is indifferent to you. She doesn’t love you, she is indifferent to you.
She just does what she wants and then fills in her mind with the details.
Drop the rope. Stop trying to make sense of it. She will never be the mother you want or hope for.
Have a superficial relationship with her if you must but stop having expectations.
It sounds like you’ve been carrying this weight for years, and it’s understandable how confusing and hurtful it must feel to have someone close to you dismiss your experiences like that… how do you even start rebuilding trust when the person who should remember things best doesn’t?
It is possible she believes what she is saying. It’s possible she is lying to you.
There are some people exhibiting narcissistic traits who are able to justify their actions to themselves to the point of self-deceit, and others who tell the lie enough that they begin to believe it.
There are some people who lack empathy and self-awareness and have no problem rewriting the facts to serve their own vision of their identity. Her bias toward men could be something she does not or will not acknowledge.
Know that her reflection of you is not your responsibility. People who think like she does are rarely good at accountability. But it isn’t you, and that is who you need to validate. And perhaps begin prioritizing yourself by finding a way to get her out.
I call it DisneyMemory – they re-write the Grimm’s fairy tale that was the truth into a palatable family friendly fun story- conveniently erasing all their mistakes and turning you into the villain.
She knows.
My dad likes to remind me he has never hit anyone. He did strangle me and all that but hey, who cares since he did not hit.
They polish the past to feel better about being assholes.
She values men more. It’s why so many men grow up to be entitled with no life skills whatsoever and expect women to be their slaves and workhorses. So common. Send her to your brother. You can’t work through this while she’s working YOU to take care of her. You really need to get her somewhere other than your home.
I recently went no contact with my mom for this exact reason. I have CPTSD from abuse, and she claims to remember none of it.
I drove myself crazy for awhile asking myself the same questions you are. Does she really not remember? Is she intentionally gaslighting me?
And then I realized that 1) I’m never going to find out for sure, and 2) it doesn’t matter. I have those memories, and they have caused me trauma. Hell, maybe some of my memories are false like she says! Doubtful, but it doesn’t change the fact that those memories exist in my brain and body and I can’t get rid of them. All I can do is take care of myself and process that trauma in therapy. Whether my mom forgot or is gaslighting me doesn’t matter.
In my case, that’s easier to say because I’ve decided not to have a relationship with her anymore. But that is largely because of her refusing to face and take accountability for how she treated/treats me.
Sending you some healing energy. I’m sorry you’ve been hurt so deeply by your mom.
Here’s the thing – it doesn’t truly matter who’s correct. As the mother, she should be responding to your recollection of things with more compassion. “Oh that’s how you remember it? I’m sorry you felt that way is how she could also respond even if she doesn’t agree with your recollection. Both of you could have an inaccurate memory – but you’re the one questioning your reality and she’s certain of hers. And that’s a problem.
I have a daughter (10 y.o.) and if she told me I did something and made her feel some type of way, the first thing I would do is address the feeling – apologize, address the feeling, reinterate love, pride, care for her. Second, I would question my own recollection (possibly by myself) – is that what happened? What was happening during that time? Is there a reason I may remember it differently? Was I under a lot of stress? Have there been other instances of me saying things like that? Etcetera. I may question my daughter even – what did I say, exactly? Did I say anything else? I would question myself first and foremost, while also addressing the hurt that this potential situation could have caused even if it’s not fully accurate. And with my daughter, some of her stories are exaggerated and she’s a little dramatic. But it doesn’t cost me anything to take her reality at face value and, again, reiterate love, care, attention, pride, etc. Example: “oh I don’t remember saying that you were fat in your swimsuit. I may have just been saying that it’s time for a new one. But I’m sorry I made you feel that way. You’re beautiful just as you are.” And I also have to acknowledge that there’s times my daughter will recollect something that I later remember or someone else backs up a story of hers that I have no memory of. So I can never just take my memory as truth.
Reality is complicated. Perspective is skewed and biased. But it’s how you respond to the inconsistencies that matter. She’s shutting you down completely and that’s not right. As a person, but especially as your mother – it’s not right. You could try to get your father or brother to back up your recollections to further solidify them. Or you may have to realize that this is how your relationship with your mom is and will be – and consider what type of relationship you want with someone who gaslights you, potentially, and dismisses your feelings. And keep in mind that gaslighting is abusive; it has long-lasting consequences that manifest in all of your relationships and various instances in your life. It breaks down your sense of reality and your self esteem. It is not to be taken lightly.
Our ability to remember correctly is highly overrated.
„People often believe that memory functions like a video camera, capturing and storing the specific details of events occurring throughout their lives. In reality, we are subject to false memories where we misremember what happened or remember things that didn’t happen. In some instances, memories can be distorted due to the integration of actual memories with external influences such as suggestions from others, schemas, or relying on gist-based memory, resulting in some correct elements but inaccuracies for many specific details. In other cases, people may remember an event that never occurred, often with a great deal of confidence. These cases where people’s memory can be distorted as well as instances of false memory for real-life experiences demonstrate how our memory may not be as reliable as we think.“ (Source)
When I explained this to my late mother, we decided to no longer fight over who was right regarding what exactly happened. Instead we accepted that we remembered situations differently without being able to ‚fix‘ the differences. I am glad that we were able to do this.
Honestly for your sanity I would let it go. You won’t convince her of what she’s spent 20+ years “remembering differently”. People like this can’t/wont be forced into facing your reality, they’ve gaslighted themselves so thoroughly that they fully believe their version of events. Because otherwise they’d have to deal with the truth and admit their faults and that isn’t going to happen. And if it’s still happening, she should go stay with your brother.