Hi (30F) I’ve been in a nearly 5-year relationship with a very sweet loving partner (32M). We’ve lived together for 3 years. He’s not pressed about marriage or kids, but has made it clear we can do those things if that’s what I want. He makes my life easy and our day to day life is nice and pleasant. We have the same sense of humor, I feel very safe with him, and our communication around conflicts has really improved. All around me my friends who have been in long term relationships are starting to get engaged. The whole thing makes me feel anxious though because I’m not sure if I want that with my partner.
I can point to specific reasons I feel doubts – his family is pretty toxic to each other (tho always nice to me), he doesn’t really have a career and struggles to engage with planning for the future, we both work from home so I don’t feel like I get enough alone time. It feels wrong to ask him to change for me – though he insists it’s reasonable and wants a chance. Even if some of this stuff is resolvable, I might still never feel completely sure he’s the right person. I so badly wish I didn’t feel this way.
Our landlords sold the house we live in and we’re getting kicked out at the end of our lease. I’ve had a fantasy about living alone and I’ve been vocalizing my doubts about the relationship to my friends for quite a while now. I’ve gone as far to tell him I want to live alone. We’ve been in couples therapy and have been entertaining the idea of trying to make it work living separately. We’re technically in a non-monogamous relationship (he has a solo poly partner he sees like 1x-2x a month since long before we started dating) so the idea of doing something unconventional isn’t unprecedented. I wonder though if it’s unrealistic and just a way to cope in the short term.
I’ve been wondering a lot about the whole “when you know you know thing”. Maybe I’ve watched too much real housewives- but it seems like lots of women feel like they know and then end up getting divorced anyway. In your experience how real is it? Is it ever a good idea to move forward if you don’t know?
Anyway, please be kind. I feel absolutely crazy right now. I feel like I’m torn between 2 realities. Even though this is something I’ve contemplated for a while – it’s much more painful than I anticipated. I feel like I’m destroying my family and making my life a lot harder for no reason.
Comments
You live 24/7 with a man who makes you feel safe but isn’t pushing you out of your comfort zone or helping you grow. OF COURSE you feel stuck and bored, and dream of escaping. You need to be doing things that excite you, that bring you out of your shell!
You could solo-travel, or regularly leave for 2 weeks and go work remote somewhere else. Let yourself explore! Get new hobbies, meet new intellectually-interesting people, experience more!
> I can point to specific reasons I feel doubts
He is a guy who doesn’t really want to get out of his routine. He kept his previous partner, has you, you keep a nice home for him.
He literally built his nest, the issue is that you make the compromises, not him. You sacrifice.
If you want kids, you need to honestly ask you how you would go and feel comfortable (you!). Can you trust him to be the primary parent? If not, wanna solo-parent? How would you handle each others’ careers?
I didn’t really believe it, but I can feel it with my partner now. But plenty of relationships have also succeeded without that feeling too.
Idk. Your situation is tough. I don’t like that he’d have kids because that’s what you wanted.
Have you ever lived alone?
Well, I think the career thing is a big red flag. Future financial planning/income aside, he has no real vocation or thing he’s interested in? No skills he wants to learn and improve? The lack of ambition would be a turnoff for me. I understand why you can’t see a future with this person, because it seems like he can’t see a future for himself.
I one thousand percent thought Love At First Sight was the biggest crock of poop I’d ever heard about. No such thing, impossible, out of billions of people how can one person be your soulmate???
And then I met my husband (I was 28 at the time). The moment I met him, I knew. I was so mad about it, too, because I didn’t want to be in a relationship, I had good things going for me, I loved living alone, I enjoyed so many hobbies. And he lived three hours away. Oh well, none of that mattered. That was it for me. I fell head over heels. Now the best part was none of that changed, he only added to my life, nothing was taken from me. 14 years later and I still love him and choose him every single day. But yeah ..when you know, you know.
A few thoughts.
Marriage is optional. If you don’t want to be married (in general) you don’t have to be!
Cohabitating is optional. You can absolutely enjoy a relationship without living together. Moving in together is not a requirement at any point. If you don’t like living together, try living apart.
You can’t get your needs met if you don’t voice them. If you want time alone, ask for it. Make it happen. Figure out how much you need to be happy and collaborate with your partner to make that work.
Just because a relationship is healthy and the person is a good person, doesn’t automatically mean it’s the right relationship. If your needs aren’t being met or there’s incompatibilities, that’s a valid reason for moving on.
I was married for 8 years and never felt soulmates or when you know you know was true. I was happy (until I wasn’t) and all, but it wasn’t like that. I met my husband 6 years ago and absolutely knew on our first date. I don’t think it’s bad if that feeling is not there, and I don’t think if it is it necessarily means you won’t get divorced if it is.
Anyway, it really sounds like things have settled into a lull. I grew the most in my life living alone, and have friends who’ve done what you’re thinking of while not breaking things off. I say go for it.
If you’re in a poly relationship and open to something less conventional, just tell him you want your own place. Since he has another girlfriend, maybe you can find another partner who kind of balances out the things you find lacking in him?
I feel like “when you know, you know” works both ways. I absolutely had doubts when I married my first husband, but I pushed them aside because we had a child together. Those doubts were telling and eventually I knew I had to get out.
When I met my now-husband, I knew he was unlike anything I had ever experienced, and I knew we were a perfect match. I have no doubt that this is a “till death” marriage and that we both feel the same way about each other.
The feelings of wanting to live alone will only grow for you if you don’t have the chance to explore them. If it is meant to be, you will maintain your relationship while living apart. If it isn’t meant to be, you won’t and you will both move on separately.
If it is a maybe, it is not a yes – don’t marry him because of peer/age pressure. You don’t have to be happy with the bare minimum.
I had an ex tell me when we were breaking up that we could probably be good together for a very long time but never great. This reminds me of that relationship. It hurt at the time but I knew he was right and was able to eventually find someone great for me.
It sounds like you know……..
I think “when you know, you know” is questionable because as you’ve said, plenty of people “know” someone is right for them… until suddenly they aren’t. However, I think “if you’re having active doubts, heed them” is good advice.
It sounds like you do really enjoy being with this guy, but he may not have the traits you want in a “primary” or “nesting” partner (not ambitious, proactive, future-oriented in the way you’d want your spouse to be.) I think living apart and, in general, taking your relationship off the “escalator” could be a way to keep this guy in your life while freeing you up to look for someone who is more husband material (if he’s OK with that — which is a big if, a lot of people in that situation would feel “demoted” but your guy seems pretty chill/”go with the flow” so maybe he won’t.)
For me personally, when you know you know. Been happily married to the most amazing human for 10+ years
THAT SAID, you can only “know” with a whoooole lot of information about each other. We each filled out a 600+ questionnaire before we met and had put 99% of the exact same answers! We clicked with each other’s friends and family immediately. Our values and goals and everything aligned very well
I DON’T think someone should jump right in after finding some hottie who they have one good conversation with. I DO think lots of thorough research and understanding of one another can give you that satisfying gut feeling + logical understanding that they’re an amazing life partner
It’s absolutely 100000% legit. And I don’t know that I would have believed it before it happened to me.
The first time my hubby and I hung out one on one I have such a distinct clear memory of just KNOWING. I remember thinking to myself as I was backing my car out “I’m gonna marry this guy”
And the immediate thought I had after that was “don’t be crazy lol. Dont already get attached girl”
And then we were married. One year to the day we started “officially” dating.
I recently told my husband about that thought I had, thinking he would think I was nuts lol. And then he told me he had the EXACT same thought watching me back out of that parking space.
It’s legit, just sometimes slow on the uptake. But when you do finally realize it, it’s like oh so that’s what this is. Duh. I remember when it finally hit me. I was sitting in my car on lunch break. I remember feeling happy that my search was over and I’d never have to date again.
If 3 years in you don’t have an answer I think that says something. I knew 6 months in and we are still together 11 years later and I still choose him. Don’t even have to think about it. He’s family and my best friend.
At five years you don’t know what you want with this person? That’s your answer. You don’t feel “meh” about committing after that much time together unless it’s the wrong person or a committed relationship just isn’t for you (in which case set them free).
I have been with my partner for half that time and if he told me he wanted to go to the courthouse tomorrow the only thing I wouldn’t feel 100% sure about would be which dress to pull out of my closet.
Doubts in a poly relationship???? Please hit the door sooner than later.
I knew with my 2nd husband. With my first, it was more like “well, I guess marriage comes next, right?” My first marriage was mostly fine. We were good partners at running the business of having a life together. But we weren’t crazy for each other. We bickered a lot. If we had stayed together, life would have been meh.
I decided meh wasn’t enough. I wanted to be single and love it, or be with someone and love it. But meh wasn’t good enough. Is it for you?
“I’ve had a fantasy about living alone and I’ve been vocalizing my doubts about the relationship to my friends for quite a while now. I’ve gone as far to tell him I want to live alone.”
So, from a totally outside perspective, it seems clear to me what you want. And you’ve even vocalized it, to several people. And now shared it with us.
It seems like now you’re at the follow through stage and doubting yourself. Are you confused about what you want, or struggling to actually do the hard thing?
I never believed in that saying until meeting my husband. I’m so sorry to be the one to tell you this but it’s clear this man is not your forever person. It sounds like you know what you have to do.
My husband isn’t perfect but I genuinely think he’s the most amazing person I’ve met. He makes my life better in 100’s of small ways, we balance eachother out, I’m attracted to him, and the two of us together can achieve way more than we could independently. When you’re with the right person you feel like you want to be with them forever and the idea of locking in via a marriage (or whatever kind of commitment you choose) is exciting.
I think you’ve gotten comfortable in this relationship so you’re afraid to leave. Whenever I’ve had doubts like yours in a relationship for me it means this is not the person for me.
Not legit at all. i “knew” a good handful of times and it didn’t work out. i think when you “know” and it does work out, it was just coincidence that you were infatuated and compatible long-term
Here’s my take, marriage has been pretty hard for me in part I think because I was pretty much perpetually single for my entire adult life until my husband and I met in our early 30s. I had some casual relationships and a couple guys I called boyfriend for short periods of times. But I’d never lived with a partner or been in a serious relationship before him. So moving in together and just generally negotiating our time and beliefs and life with eachother has been a lot of work and required a lot of self reflection and changes in the way both of us communicate and work together. It hasn’t just been an easy meshing of our lives. BUT we both deeply want to figure this life together out. We both want to learn and grow together. We both wanted to get married. I just couldn’t imagine putting the work into it if I was wishy washy about wanting it.
LEGIT! Met, got engaged, and married in less than a year.
I have been saying, “When you know, you know,” since I met my life partner, because I just knew. 🙂 I have not had a single doubt, I have not had any relationship ambivalence, I have not questioned that I want a future with him. I have done those things with every single person I dated in the past. I was always happier when I left. Now I’m the happiest I’ve ever been, with my SO. I have also learned to advocate for myself, speak my truth, talk to him about my insecurities, and ask for what I need. I could not and would not get my needs met if I didn’t communicate them.
When I felt the way you were feeling in the past, I was happier when I left.
As others stated, you don’t have to get married if you don’t want to. You don’t have to cohabitate if you don’t want to. I think the best thing you can do for yourself right now is to sit down in a quiet space alone and start writing. Get really honest with yourself about what you want, and what your ideal future looks like. Spare no detail. Then, take stock of your life and the decisions you have to make soon. Make the choices that align with the life you want for yourself.
Sounds like you’re both coasting. He’s got you to help with the household bills and responsibilities, doesn’t have much in the way of ambition, has no opinion on marriage or kids (coaaaaaasting), and has kept his options open with the non-monogamous set up.
He is living the dream with a non-demanding partner who will help him keep house while he does whatever or whoever he feels like. Of course he’s not looking to make changes. He’s got the dream set up for your average lazy, unmotivated dude.
I wouldn’t say you’ll know because people obviously are sure or have doubts when things end up going the opposite direction, but I do think there has to be some passion for the future there that seems to be lacking in your description. I know older couples who lived apart for decades but they were devoted to each other (just in a non-traditional way). If you picture your dream life – living alone, maybe married, maybe kids – is he a part of it? Or just a placeholder because he’s pleasant? If he were a different person do you think you’d feel differently about these aspects of your relationship? I feel like the drive to commit to him in particular is what felt different about my husband versus my exes, who were nice but kind of just there, more than a IYKYK feeling.
I just grappled with this feeling for several years. We had been together for seven, and living together for five. I ended it a couple of months ago after over a year of discussion and trying to make it work. I was sad but also so relieved that my blood pressure dropped 15 points and I stopped being bloated/dealing with hair loss. I also stopped drinking quite so much almost immediately. I’ve still got growth and rebuilding to do, but I’m so glad I didn’t settle for “sure, this is fine.” I don’t know what the future looks like, but I’m far more content and secure.
Also edit: hurting him was horrible, but I was hurting him either way. He deserves someone who’s all in, if that’s what he wants.
You’re asking about knowing in regards to getting serious but reading your post I think it’s about going in the opposite direction.
When you know that someone isn’t right for you, you know.
That’s where you are.
You’re just nervous to let go completely.
It’s true, when you know, you know with zero doubts. I’ve been with my husband for almost 15 years and have known he was the one before we even started dating. We were close friends for years before dating.
hmm, a few things. When you know you know, when you say this do you mean you want a relationship that will last the rest of your life? or to have kids? or to get married? because these three things are not necessarily either exclusive or mutual. Even living together in a relationship is not a requirement. You can make the relationship what you want. Maybe try living alone but staying in a relationship, and see if that improves things for you.
Honestly I think it sounds like you’re really not sure this is the relationship for you. I think especially given he is in a poly situation you’re already in an unconventional dynamic, so floating the idea of living apart would not be a crazy thing to do.
I do think it is likely it might lead to a cooling down and eventual split, but it can give you time to consider your options. From reading it honestly doesn’t sound like you’re that enthusiastic for this relationship, and I query how much longer it has in it if you’re having these feelings. He sounds very content to just plod along and let things happen without actively making choices and driving things forward, which to be honest I’d also struggle with in a longterm partner. You want someone who actively shows they want your life together.
I think our personal beliefs can get in the way of “when you know you know.” Like if you are mistrusting of men because of past experiences, you may not ever have that “when you know you know” experience.
That said, if you’re thinking about wanting to live separately I’m not sure marriage and kids is the direction you’re going in. Maybe I will get downvoted this but I would not get married to or have kids with someone who has another partner, even if it’s agreed upon. Also sounds like he doesn’t have a career or really want one? And you’re in couples counseling already.
To me it sounds like, this is a relationship that made you happy for awhile but time to move on.
You’ve got some good advice already, I just wanted to add my voice to the chorus saying you don’t have to break up to live alone! It sounds like the perfect time to experience that, date your partner more and figure out what YOU want instead of going along with what you’re supposed to do. Good luck 👍🏾
It’s OK to break up with someone if things don’t feel quite right, it’s not like you’re only allowed to break up with them if they are some terrible monster
Hm. Trial being apart. I don’t think you want him. But maybe the time apart will make you want him and then reunite
Toxic family is always always a dealbreaker. In my experience.
Well…I definitely knew. I’ve never had any doubts. I don’t think that says as much about relationships as it does about our (mine and SO’s) personalities. We are both very fortunate to be laid back in the same ways, and goal oriented in the same ways.
“When you know, you know.” Maybe for some people, some of the time. As others have pointed out, often people “know” and get divorced.
But when you’re not sure if it’s right, then it’s probably not.
Good luck.
I think it’s impossible to know the future. But you can listen to your own needs. Do you feel safe? Do you feel secure? Does the idea of continuing this relationship for the next five, ten, twenty, thirty years make you feel happy and content or filled with dread and anxiety?
I’ve observed that my relationships end when the anxiety takes over, because I’m not addressing some bigger issue. Take that as you will.
I think when you know you know is legit. At least from my personal experience. I got together with my husband at 32 and after 6 months we were married. I’m even the one that proposed. I think it was a mix of me just being ready for something serious and finding a person who I can truly see myself with for a long time. I kissed a lot of frogs but I’m glad I did cause I just knew what I wanted.
Once you realize that in a sea of people your eyes only search for them… Yep, that’s when you know.
Honestly I feel like marriage is something you have to look at practically.
Can this man contribute to your finances, and will not burden you now or in the future with things like debt, a gambling problem, porn addiction, alcoholism, & other bad behaviors?
Can this man be depended on to take care of you when you get sick, help raise children (if that’s in the plan), be someone you can count on physically, emotionally, and financially if things get rough?
Are you attracted enough to have sex with and look at this man every day for the rest of your life?
Can you trust this man to never betray your trust, and communicate as equal partners?
I have friends who’re happily married but sleep in separate beds. My husband and I were long-distance across the world for 3 years. You can have space in a marriage if you both agree.
You have to answer the question if he is someone who you want to spend the rest of your life with, and work from there. That’s how it happened with my husband, I was poly before we got together (we’d been friends for years though, so we already had an emotional connection). He didn’t want to share, and I realized I’d rather change my lifestyle than lose him. That was my iykyk moment, but it wasn’t like “oh, he’s the one.” It was more like, “ I want him to be the one and I’m willing to do what I can to make that happen.”
This entry turned out to be interessting. Maybe a more fitting title is:
“Feeling Guilty for Wanting Space From a Good, Polyamorous Partner”