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Ish… my kids have staved off even the thoughts of divorce for a long time. We’re two years away from empty nesting now, and the realization that “for the kids” won’t be a barrier moving forward has really forced me to evaluate the relationship
I stayed for about 10 years until the kids were old enough to understand (as much as they could) why we were splitting up. I left for two reasons, 1: I didn’t want my kids to grown up thinking ‘this’ was how relationships were supposed to be 2: my health, mentally and physically.
My dtr tearfully told me she wanted two parents together. I love my child so much that i did it for her. I put up with MIL and my wife’s selfish behavior.
My dtr, now 26, read my sketchbook and found a passage i had written and realized that i viewed my life as shit and she was the one thing that brought me joy. She gets it now. MIL passed away about 10 yrs ago, and life improved. I am my wife’s caretaker, and the thought of leaving her just isn’t something that I feel i could do now.
My wife is not separate from my kids – as man of home , it is my duty to keep my family together and safe. I let my wife work on the happiness in which she does a fairly good job
Not solely because of the kids, but I think having kids means you work harder to make it work. If we didn’t have kids, I’m not sure if we would have made the same effort, especially during the more difficult/unhappy periods.
Any tips on avoiding a situation like this ever developing? Anyone wanna look back and reflect on what went wrong and how you would have done it differently?
I was going to… but we’ve decided mutally to separate and divorce. Kids are 9 and 6. We’ve been together for 13 years, married for 12. Things happen, life continues on. 39m and 35f.
My wife did, for a while. And then she didn’t. But we parted as amicably as possible and raised them happily together. And they are fine. (Well I didn’t read the Constitution enough to my daughter, but otherwise)
Sleep deprivation definitely changes you. TBD how it goes a few years from now when the kids get older. Just have to survive the toddler years. Think about it, you are both stressed and slow deprived, What do you think is going to happen?
If in such a position it can be good to talk with your spouse and both of you describe your relationship/love when marrying and now. It can be a great discussion but I can see it turning rough, but it’s nearly necessary to have that discussion.
Not me but my parents did this. But then my sister and I moved out and they stayed living together. Separate rooms still but they seem to be getting along better than ever these days.
It’s was kind of a mind fuck to think my parent’s relationship improved after they weren’t responsible for their kids anymore 😅
Hopefully not many because it’s BS. Staying in a f’d up marriage for the kids is incredibly harmful and sets a poor example for the kids. It normalizes dysfunction and teaches them that when you are married you need to be a doormat and accept unhappiness. People say they stayed for the kids like it’s something to be proud of. It’s not. It means you’re a lazy selfish coward who’s not willing to do the right thing because it’s hard.
It’s much better to come from a broken home than to grow up in one.
That’s a distant memory for me now, but when my daughter was little, I was afraid to leave.
My wife had a history of mental illness, it was very prevalent in her family, with all six siblings having a history of nervous breakdowns and bipolar.
There were event(s) that had me wanting to leave really badly, but there was no way I was leaving my daughter in an unstable environment. Those circumstances had me staying. I have no regrets other than I spent a lot of my youth in a not so great relationship. As an adult, my daughter thanked me.
Young love is blind and boy, did I fall for the wrong one.
It’s all good now, but damn, that was stressful lmao.
It’s weird how things change over time isn’t it. You start to ponder if it is better just to stay and play your role. Kids see through it and are observing how mom and dad interact so keep that in mind.
There were times over the last 8 years that if we had still been just dating, not married with a kid, I probably would’ve left. But that wasn’t the case, so I didn’t.
I’m lucky to have a husband who’s willing to put in the work along with me. He wasn’t happy either, of course, so we both tried to do something about it. We’ve both changed and grown over the years, and we’re happier now than we ever were.
I think a lot of people don’t have a partner willing to do that work with them or to have honest, difficult conversations. In that case I don’t think there’s any saving the relationship.
Not the prompt, but I can’t resist;
As a kid, i was the middlepoint in a shitshow of a divorce because my parents took 7 years to decide to divorce. I’m talking Child-protective services, fighting over child support, abusive new boyfriend, the works.
I’m not saying every situation is like mine, but if you and your partner are slowly building up pressure over the years and more and more fights are (daring to) break out, you might want to reconsider if staying together is the best option.
That being said, my situation doesn’t have to be yours (I pray it isn’t), and maybe staying together IS the best option. Just wanted to share my perspective. (Anyone who wants to AMA is welcome to DM me, I’m not looking to hijack the tread more than I already have)
My ex actually threatened me saying that she would take away my daughter and disappear if I didn’t add her name to an apartment I bought. I immediately knew that I had to divorce her and it took me $150,000 for her give up custody.
When everyone told me to divorce, I tried my best to hold the marriage because I don’t want my kid losing her mom. But it was no longer possible when my ex went mad upon hearing I left estates under our daughter’s name instead of hers. If your partner is truly toxic, it would be better raise the child yourself. The lesson you need to know is that you could definitely raise children alone but they need all your attention. Don’t spend efforts arguing or fighting your partner when your kids are growing.
After Round 1 of my ex-wife’s indiscretions, I stayed with her because of our two daughters both of whom were less than three. Had I known then what I know now, I wouldnt have done it. My kids would have had a much better childhood with less generational trauma if I’d have moved on with them and had primary custody of the children. We did eventually divorce after Round 2+++ but that was 15 years later after the damage had been done.
Not married but do have a baby boy on the way in just over 2 months. I’m being supportive until he’s born then I don’t think my partner and I will live under the same roof anymore. I’m already emotionally detached. Can’t stand her.
Most of the people staying together “for their kids” are doing more damage to their children than they might if they separated. Make no mistake, people in completely Loveless relationships that stay together for years are dysfunctional and they are in a dysfunctional relationship.
Recognizing that you are in a dysfunctional marriage, that you are unhappy, and being able to make the decision to separate is a healthy choice made by somebody who is thinking through the complexity of the situation.
In situations where people can’t or don’t separate, one or both parents may be getting surrogate “partner” love from one of their children, which often leads to favoritism. In a situation where it is both parents, they typically attached to separate children and you get a golden child/ scapegoat dynamic.
Or, one of the parents may find love/fulfillment outside of the relationship while one finds it inside the relationship.
The least likely scenario is that both parents are completely content within the Loveless marriage- but in any of these scenarios the family is inherently dysfunctional and broken and the role modeling being provided for the children is bad.
I think that’s a really tough pill for a lot of people on Reddit and in real-life to swallow, but people who are dysfunctional often have a lot of difficulty recognizing that because that’s the nature of dysfunction- a broken system that “works” to the participants expectations that don’t line up with healthy normal people’s functioning.
EDIT: I expect to be downvoted for this- but case in point, u/Rich-Contribution-84 is the top voted commenter, and he posted: “…I love my kids so much and do not want to be in a situation where we don’t get to see eachother every day.” It’s not wrong to love your kids- that’s healthy! But there should absolutely be balance between how much you love your children and how much you love your spouse- and the chances are that this poster has transferred a lot of those emotional needs a spouse would normally fill to at least one of his children. The word choice here is also important- it’s about his needs today to see his kids all the time, not what his kids may need or how they may be impacted in adulthood.
And- the OP responded with a similar line of thought. To anyone reading this comment, you seriously need to sit down and think about this beyond the present. ESPECIALLY in situations where there is conflict between you and your spouse and the marriage is loveless, it may not be better to stay together. How much conflict is ok? Well, that’s a tough one. I can’t say. Go talk to a counselor individually.
And- in case anyone is curious about me/why I’m saying this- I’m married happily, and have been for 20 years. We have two kids, but didn’t have them until year 13 because we absolutely had some baggage to work through together and separately. My wife had two parents that did not like one another but would not get a divorce and trust me when I say however well you think you’re hiding that, your kids are picking up on it.
I came from a background where my mom (uBPD) and Dad essentially were trapped in a co-abusive… relationship, where my mom refused to leave my Dad for years and years until my brothers and I essentially forced the issue. It’s a lot more complicated than that- it typically is- but I knew something wasn’t right for my family for a long time and put the understanding together as a young adult.
But… there are many, many cases where kids grow up and, for whatever reason, may understand something wasn’t “right” with their parents’ relationship, and yet still fall into the same pattern as adults.
Not there personally, but with a toddler and an infant I can clearly see the path to that place. the kids certainly raise the threshold for divorce to be considered
Staying together for the kids is the worst freaking decision people make. Children know when they’re growing up in an unhappy house. The trauma is real and you’re inflicting it on them. You’re not doing them any favors by staying together
I did for 6 years but when it came down to a really tough choice of “existing”, I chose to exist and it was the best choice for everyone. 7 years later, my relationship with my son remains healthy because I’m healthier and my ex and I maintained a friendship so he doesn’t miss out on any form of support because we’re all still present. Just in different homes, etc.
About 90% of the married people I know with kids under 18, you just need to get some of them drunk enough to admit it.
Except they don’t call it “Trapped”. They say it’s for the kids, or we’ve made a compromise and accepted our happiness doesn’t matter, or that it makes financial sense for their kids future, or something else. They convince themselves they are somehow doing a good thing and they are actually heroes for being cowards.
But they always ignore the fact that the kids can tell their parents don’t like each other, that it makes the house hostile and that it also sends the completely wrong message to their children about what a relationship should be.
When these parents finally get divorced the response from their kids (over the age of 8 or so) isn’t “Oh no!” it’s “Thank god, it’s about time!”. Rick and Morty perfectly nails this dynamic.
I married my best friend and if we didn’t have kids we’d still be together having fun. I love my kids but I can’t wait until they’re adults so the wife and I can do more stuff alone. Love her and would kill for her
I tried after I caught my wife having an affair with a junkie. But she ultimately proved herself to be irredeemably untrustworthy, so I divorced her. Got married again at age 64 and we each have grown independent kids.
Leaving for the kids is a thing too. I didn’t want to leave my wife and one reason was to keep things stable for the kids. But once she forces the separation I saw a huge positive shift in my kids mental health and over all happiness. Kids will pick up on the tension or lack of love in the relationship and it affects them.
I did for years, took years for me to admit it to myself. I climbed out of the pot in November – not seeing my boys every day was and remains the hardest thing I’ve ever experienced. But I am happier, healthier, and more present than I’ve been in half a decade. I’m more of the father they deserve than I ever could have been with an anchor around my foot. The first mo the were awful, I cried more in those weeks than my 44 years put together. I had never felt so alone, so heartbroken, but I’ve held firm to trusting that I tried everything I could to make the marriage work. I couldn’t, I had to get out, and my boys will be better for it in the long run.
Jesus Harold Christ. This comment section is a minefield.
To all of you who are treading water (or worse) in your marriages, sorry (wo)man. That sucks, and good on you for trying to hold it together for the kids’ sake.
To the children of divorced parents, sorry (wo)man. That sucks. My parents split within 45 days of me heading out to boot camp, which is pretty solid evidence that they were hanging on for me and my sister. That was kind of dumb. You don’t like her, she doesn’t like you, just get it over with already. We could see it coming for years.
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I wouldn’t say that trapped is the right word.
But I love my kids so much and do not want to be in a situation where we don’t get to see eachother every day.
If I had no kids, I would probably seek a divorce though.
I’m not in this boat, but if push came to shove, I would be. Divorce can have a negative effect on kids.
Unfortunately I did that, but as soon as my son was of age, I filed for that divorce and got the heck out of there.
Ish… my kids have staved off even the thoughts of divorce for a long time. We’re two years away from empty nesting now, and the realization that “for the kids” won’t be a barrier moving forward has really forced me to evaluate the relationship
I stayed for about 10 years until the kids were old enough to understand (as much as they could) why we were splitting up. I left for two reasons, 1: I didn’t want my kids to grown up thinking ‘this’ was how relationships were supposed to be 2: my health, mentally and physically.
My dtr tearfully told me she wanted two parents together. I love my child so much that i did it for her. I put up with MIL and my wife’s selfish behavior.
My dtr, now 26, read my sketchbook and found a passage i had written and realized that i viewed my life as shit and she was the one thing that brought me joy. She gets it now. MIL passed away about 10 yrs ago, and life improved. I am my wife’s caretaker, and the thought of leaving her just isn’t something that I feel i could do now.
Following.
My wife is not separate from my kids – as man of home , it is my duty to keep my family together and safe. I let my wife work on the happiness in which she does a fairly good job
Not solely because of the kids, but I think having kids means you work harder to make it work. If we didn’t have kids, I’m not sure if we would have made the same effort, especially during the more difficult/unhappy periods.
Any tips on avoiding a situation like this ever developing? Anyone wanna look back and reflect on what went wrong and how you would have done it differently?
I was going to… but we’ve decided mutally to separate and divorce. Kids are 9 and 6. We’ve been together for 13 years, married for 12. Things happen, life continues on. 39m and 35f.
My wife did, for a while. And then she didn’t. But we parted as amicably as possible and raised them happily together. And they are fine. (Well I didn’t read the Constitution enough to my daughter, but otherwise)
I did this for years. I now regret it.
Sleep deprivation definitely changes you. TBD how it goes a few years from now when the kids get older. Just have to survive the toddler years. Think about it, you are both stressed and slow deprived, What do you think is going to happen?
Not me but I would imagine the percentage would be very high.
Not quite at the level of divorce however having a kid is making me much more patient in my marriage than I would be if our 6 year old didn’t exist.
Being married in a dead bedroom is so depressing and sad.
I know some guys but not only for the kids, because they will break financially too.
If in such a position it can be good to talk with your spouse and both of you describe your relationship/love when marrying and now. It can be a great discussion but I can see it turning rough, but it’s nearly necessary to have that discussion.
Not me but my parents did this. But then my sister and I moved out and they stayed living together. Separate rooms still but they seem to be getting along better than ever these days.
It’s was kind of a mind fuck to think my parent’s relationship improved after they weren’t responsible for their kids anymore 😅
Hopefully not many because it’s BS. Staying in a f’d up marriage for the kids is incredibly harmful and sets a poor example for the kids. It normalizes dysfunction and teaches them that when you are married you need to be a doormat and accept unhappiness. People say they stayed for the kids like it’s something to be proud of. It’s not. It means you’re a lazy selfish coward who’s not willing to do the right thing because it’s hard.
It’s much better to come from a broken home than to grow up in one.
That’s a distant memory for me now, but when my daughter was little, I was afraid to leave.
My wife had a history of mental illness, it was very prevalent in her family, with all six siblings having a history of nervous breakdowns and bipolar.
There were event(s) that had me wanting to leave really badly, but there was no way I was leaving my daughter in an unstable environment. Those circumstances had me staying. I have no regrets other than I spent a lot of my youth in a not so great relationship. As an adult, my daughter thanked me.
Young love is blind and boy, did I fall for the wrong one.
It’s all good now, but damn, that was stressful lmao.
It’s weird how things change over time isn’t it. You start to ponder if it is better just to stay and play your role. Kids see through it and are observing how mom and dad interact so keep that in mind.
There were times over the last 8 years that if we had still been just dating, not married with a kid, I probably would’ve left. But that wasn’t the case, so I didn’t.
I’m lucky to have a husband who’s willing to put in the work along with me. He wasn’t happy either, of course, so we both tried to do something about it. We’ve both changed and grown over the years, and we’re happier now than we ever were.
I think a lot of people don’t have a partner willing to do that work with them or to have honest, difficult conversations. In that case I don’t think there’s any saving the relationship.
Not the prompt, but I can’t resist;
As a kid, i was the middlepoint in a shitshow of a divorce because my parents took 7 years to decide to divorce. I’m talking Child-protective services, fighting over child support, abusive new boyfriend, the works.
I’m not saying every situation is like mine, but if you and your partner are slowly building up pressure over the years and more and more fights are (daring to) break out, you might want to reconsider if staying together is the best option.
That being said, my situation doesn’t have to be yours (I pray it isn’t), and maybe staying together IS the best option. Just wanted to share my perspective. (Anyone who wants to AMA is welcome to DM me, I’m not looking to hijack the tread more than I already have)
If you are, you aren’t doing them any favors.
Reading all these comments is so sad. Modern marriage is such a sham. Ultimately, when people live lies, everyone suffers.
My ex actually threatened me saying that she would take away my daughter and disappear if I didn’t add her name to an apartment I bought. I immediately knew that I had to divorce her and it took me $150,000 for her give up custody.
When everyone told me to divorce, I tried my best to hold the marriage because I don’t want my kid losing her mom. But it was no longer possible when my ex went mad upon hearing I left estates under our daughter’s name instead of hers. If your partner is truly toxic, it would be better raise the child yourself. The lesson you need to know is that you could definitely raise children alone but they need all your attention. Don’t spend efforts arguing or fighting your partner when your kids are growing.
After Round 1 of my ex-wife’s indiscretions, I stayed with her because of our two daughters both of whom were less than three. Had I known then what I know now, I wouldnt have done it. My kids would have had a much better childhood with less generational trauma if I’d have moved on with them and had primary custody of the children. We did eventually divorce after Round 2+++ but that was 15 years later after the damage had been done.
Not married but do have a baby boy on the way in just over 2 months. I’m being supportive until he’s born then I don’t think my partner and I will live under the same roof anymore. I’m already emotionally detached. Can’t stand her.
Reading all these comments, is making me rethink getting married 😳
Most of the people staying together “for their kids” are doing more damage to their children than they might if they separated. Make no mistake, people in completely Loveless relationships that stay together for years are dysfunctional and they are in a dysfunctional relationship.
Recognizing that you are in a dysfunctional marriage, that you are unhappy, and being able to make the decision to separate is a healthy choice made by somebody who is thinking through the complexity of the situation.
In situations where people can’t or don’t separate, one or both parents may be getting surrogate “partner” love from one of their children, which often leads to favoritism. In a situation where it is both parents, they typically attached to separate children and you get a golden child/ scapegoat dynamic.
Or, one of the parents may find love/fulfillment outside of the relationship while one finds it inside the relationship.
The least likely scenario is that both parents are completely content within the Loveless marriage- but in any of these scenarios the family is inherently dysfunctional and broken and the role modeling being provided for the children is bad.
I think that’s a really tough pill for a lot of people on Reddit and in real-life to swallow, but people who are dysfunctional often have a lot of difficulty recognizing that because that’s the nature of dysfunction- a broken system that “works” to the participants expectations that don’t line up with healthy normal people’s functioning.
EDIT: I expect to be downvoted for this- but case in point, u/Rich-Contribution-84 is the top voted commenter, and he posted: “…I love my kids so much and do not want to be in a situation where we don’t get to see eachother every day.” It’s not wrong to love your kids- that’s healthy! But there should absolutely be balance between how much you love your children and how much you love your spouse- and the chances are that this poster has transferred a lot of those emotional needs a spouse would normally fill to at least one of his children. The word choice here is also important- it’s about his needs today to see his kids all the time, not what his kids may need or how they may be impacted in adulthood.
And- the OP responded with a similar line of thought. To anyone reading this comment, you seriously need to sit down and think about this beyond the present. ESPECIALLY in situations where there is conflict between you and your spouse and the marriage is loveless, it may not be better to stay together. How much conflict is ok? Well, that’s a tough one. I can’t say. Go talk to a counselor individually.
And- in case anyone is curious about me/why I’m saying this- I’m married happily, and have been for 20 years. We have two kids, but didn’t have them until year 13 because we absolutely had some baggage to work through together and separately. My wife had two parents that did not like one another but would not get a divorce and trust me when I say however well you think you’re hiding that, your kids are picking up on it.
I came from a background where my mom (uBPD) and Dad essentially were trapped in a co-abusive… relationship, where my mom refused to leave my Dad for years and years until my brothers and I essentially forced the issue. It’s a lot more complicated than that- it typically is- but I knew something wasn’t right for my family for a long time and put the understanding together as a young adult.
But… there are many, many cases where kids grow up and, for whatever reason, may understand something wasn’t “right” with their parents’ relationship, and yet still fall into the same pattern as adults.
Not there personally, but with a toddler and an infant I can clearly see the path to that place. the kids certainly raise the threshold for divorce to be considered
Yep. I’m such a shit person. She deserves someone way better.
Most people. Lol
Staying together for the kids is the worst freaking decision people make. Children know when they’re growing up in an unhappy house. The trauma is real and you’re inflicting it on them. You’re not doing them any favors by staying together
I did for 6 years but when it came down to a really tough choice of “existing”, I chose to exist and it was the best choice for everyone. 7 years later, my relationship with my son remains healthy because I’m healthier and my ex and I maintained a friendship so he doesn’t miss out on any form of support because we’re all still present. Just in different homes, etc.
I wanted to, but ex-wife thought it was easier to divorce rather than work out our problems.
About 90% of the married people I know with kids under 18, you just need to get some of them drunk enough to admit it.
Except they don’t call it “Trapped”. They say it’s for the kids, or we’ve made a compromise and accepted our happiness doesn’t matter, or that it makes financial sense for their kids future, or something else. They convince themselves they are somehow doing a good thing and they are actually heroes for being cowards.
But they always ignore the fact that the kids can tell their parents don’t like each other, that it makes the house hostile and that it also sends the completely wrong message to their children about what a relationship should be.
When these parents finally get divorced the response from their kids (over the age of 8 or so) isn’t “Oh no!” it’s “Thank god, it’s about time!”. Rick and Morty perfectly nails this dynamic.
I basically did for nearly 15 years. I’m older now.
(1) I don’t make enough money to support two homes and fund college and retirement. So I put my baby’s college 1st.
(2) Men lose do much in family court. I need to see my baby EVERY DAY, but she’s done with college so that part of my life is over.
I moved OUT last Friday (after lots of therapy and deep soul searching for years and years).
As I broke down crying trying to explain this to my 22 year old daughter she said ‘Daddy….how could I ever hate you?’.
I married my best friend and if we didn’t have kids we’d still be together having fun. I love my kids but I can’t wait until they’re adults so the wife and I can do more stuff alone. Love her and would kill for her
🙋♂️
I’m not but I would. My parents did it and I’m grateful. They now are happily married to other people.
I tried after I caught my wife having an affair with a junkie. But she ultimately proved herself to be irredeemably untrustworthy, so I divorced her. Got married again at age 64 and we each have grown independent kids.
I’m sure my relationship wouldn’t have survived this long if we hadn’t had a kid. If it’s not about the kid, we don’t talk anymore.
Not me, love my wife more than my kid and baby on the way. Love those two little dudes too but I knew wifey first. Easy.
I left after 3 years of trying. Gave a 2 year warning then 1 year warning and she was blown away when it was papers on exactly the last day.
Leaving for the kids is a thing too. I didn’t want to leave my wife and one reason was to keep things stable for the kids. But once she forces the separation I saw a huge positive shift in my kids mental health and over all happiness. Kids will pick up on the tension or lack of love in the relationship and it affects them.
My parents always said they stayed together because they were afraid of getting custody.
My sisters and I were proud of that.
Does in spite of our kids count?
I bet many are staying not because theirs kids.. but because they are afraid of change, or just financially can’t.
I did for years, took years for me to admit it to myself. I climbed out of the pot in November – not seeing my boys every day was and remains the hardest thing I’ve ever experienced. But I am happier, healthier, and more present than I’ve been in half a decade. I’m more of the father they deserve than I ever could have been with an anchor around my foot. The first mo the were awful, I cried more in those weeks than my 44 years put together. I had never felt so alone, so heartbroken, but I’ve held firm to trusting that I tried everything I could to make the marriage work. I couldn’t, I had to get out, and my boys will be better for it in the long run.
This thread is terrifying.
Not even for that… it’s because I’d be destitute, homeless and she’d probably make a bunch of shit up about me and cry so I was the bad guy.
I’m unhappy most days as a divorced Dad, being single doesn’t make life any better, just heartache and put on faces for the kids.
Jesus Harold Christ. This comment section is a minefield.
To all of you who are treading water (or worse) in your marriages, sorry (wo)man. That sucks, and good on you for trying to hold it together for the kids’ sake.
To the children of divorced parents, sorry (wo)man. That sucks. My parents split within 45 days of me heading out to boot camp, which is pretty solid evidence that they were hanging on for me and my sister. That was kind of dumb. You don’t like her, she doesn’t like you, just get it over with already. We could see it coming for years.