Is it normal? And family and kids and partners don’t count, I’m just wondering how common it is and if you are one of the guys I’m talking about with 0 friends, then how are you finding life? Does it bother you? What’s life like without having a friendship group or best friend
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It’s common. Takes effort to maintain connections and people generally start focusing on their family around and after your age.
You’ve gotta make an effort.
Common, even more so when you enter a relationship and the final boss, the wife with kids. But I’ve found a certain peace with it, filling any free time I have with hobbies.
I had like 4 friends. Now it’s dwindled to 1 if you would calls a WhatsApp meme here and there a friendship. Kind of used to it now and just accepted it.
I’m going to try some new hobbies but I don’t expect friendships to form from it. Most people can’t be bothered anymore.
I hated the people I went to school with, so didn’t remain in contact with any of them. I mainly hung out with coworkers, once I went to work for myself it became just my family. Mainly my son, and brother-in-law.
I’m happy with that. I don’t have to worry about a bunch of lying and backstabbing like I would with a group of friends.
Me and the boys have a whatsapp group, we don’t/can’t meet up as often as we used too. So every 4 months roughly we set a date in the calendar to meet in a city or town we can all meet in and it’s been a game changer.
Adult life is filled with bull shit, so it’s good to set aside time for your friends. If you’re struggling to find/keep friends consistency is key. Turn up, send the message, be interested in their lives.
Invest in your friends, loneliness is a killer.
Someone in a friendship has to make the effort to arrange get-togethers or events, else people will drift apart. A lot of men are very bad at this. Personally I love seeing my friends, but it’s always me that has to get in touch with folks and sort out what we’re doing. If I didn’t do it, I’d rarely see anyone!
I’ve got none except for the people I work directly with. Previously I was friends with the people I knew in school and over the last year I just decided that we didn’t really walk in the same circles anymore and cut ties with them.
Between my job and my family I’m pretty busy and I’m just grateful for the extra time.
Had few friends at 18
I have no IRL friends nowadays. No family I get along with, no kids either.
I feel like i don’t care anymore. Just like some people talk about feeling they don’t need relationships, i don’t see the point in having friends
That’s so weird to try to answer because I tend to be a bit of a social nomad. I get into the social circle of any job quite well (despite being heavily introverted. Being someone who pulls their weight in a group even under mutual pressure is going to attract people). But when I move on, I don’t tend to keep the contact up unless it comes from them.
So locally speaking I do have friends, but the faces changed from five and ten years ago.
I have 1 good friend, and about 5 people who don’t call me but take my calls.
Early 40s.
I have the same 3 best buds since 14.
Erm… why can’t my brother me by best friend?
I’ve cut ties with most family since I did not find them interesting, so if your criterium is based on voluntary vs societally desirable energy investment, my brother counts for me.
I have 2 friends and a great wife at late 30’s.
Also, not having kids makes one less boring and tied down.
I have many friends today, I’d say I have the healthiest social life I’ve ever had.
It’s common for your group of friends to dramatically decrease once you’re done with high school / college. Friends who you had everything in common with start going in different directions, getting married, having kids, moving, starting new careers, etc.
For several years around your age, I felt a bit lonely. I wasn’t making any new friends locally, and I was just hanging on to old friends who I could keep in touch with electronically.
That changed once I settled in my career and married life raising kids. I started making new friends, either through work, but mostly other parents whose kids were either in the same school or participating in the same extracurricular activities as my kids.
I now have a very small, but tight group of friends who I hang out with on occasion, but it’s nowhere near what it once was during my younger years. Part of it is because the main focus of my life is my family and career, and not so much hanging out with friends. I kinda miss having a large group of friends, but at the same time, I kinda don’t.
I’m the opposite. I only had 1 friend through middleschool and highschool. In my mid 20s I found a group of people that played dnd every weekend. Now almost a decade later we still play weekly at my house.
I am 54. I haven’t seen either of my friends for years.
It’s peaceful. I always used to be a supportive friend and that was a lot of effort.
I have a lovely time at home with my wife and daughter. All my energy goes on them now. And gaming.
Capitalism creates isolation as it prioritizes individualism over community.
The natural order of things. Single people get married and then tend to have couples or family friends.
I am sorry to hear you are going through this! I take time every week to reach out to people I care about to catch up, which really helps. Scheduling hangs further in advance becomes necessary as people get older. Don’t be afraid to be the social glue for your group! It takes effort, but it will be good for you and your friends.
I had around 5 or 6 close friends at 38 years old.
I just ghosted / slow-faded a couple of them, though, as realised I’m not aligned with their current path.
So down to maybe 3 or 4 now, to be honest.
Between work and family, I don’t really have the time or energy for friends.
I have a few I see/talk to every few months, but usually I’d rather chill solo when I have the chance.
I’m kind of at fault, a lot of my friends are dating and getting married, having kids and I’m focusing on my career. A lot of them are asking when I’m going to look to settle down and its weirding me out with cult-like vibes because some of them say “don’t get married” in the same breath or get annoyed when other people pry into their relationships.
Our lives are diverging at this point and that’s okay.
If you thrive in social situations and want friends, you need to be the one putting that out there. Call them. Arrange things. Take up activities that expose you to new people and hobbies that involve groups.
It’s a lot of effort, and not always returned.
So, many of us drift away over the years. I’m 46 now, and have a small circle of family friends – one or two long time friends – and a whole lot of acquaintances I just kind of know on social media or from one event or another we did together pre-Covid.
And that’s ok by me.
It’s common..
I played sports with 3 teams, about 40 plus people…
Socialised whilst djing, which was a separate group of about 30 people….. Sometimes this ballooned to over a hundred at private parties….
Now I’m older, I socialise with fewer than 10 male friends…. This happens 3-4 times per yr max…
The rest of the time, it’s family/partner and kids.
I’ve got 2 from my childhood years, both live in different states but we talk often and visit when we can. Most of my local friends are people I’ve met in the gym in my 30’s…I’m now 45. Some gyms have really nice communities and even though the gym is no longer open we still get together a few times a year to party, and attend the occasional concert.
My point is you probably haven’t even met your best friends yet.
That said, meeting them is only a fraction of it. Friendships are a big responsibility and take work. You have to water them like you would a plant or the friendship will dry up.
It happens. I would say I have zero real friends. If I don’t call people, I’ll never here from them. Honestly it sucks a lot. I’d kind of be fine if this ride came to an end.
A few hobby friends that I barely see anymore. but I don’t feel that lonely, hobbies I can enjoy by myself and work keep me very busy.
I had a lot of friends in my 20ies. Now 4-5 I would call „close“ friends which I know for 10 years plus and I have about 4-5 other guys which I do stuff with like barbecue, watching sports, have a couple drinks, but not very close yet, as I don’t know them for a long time. Some of them are also partners of friends of my girl.
What I learned as I become older: you also have to make a call, invite people to your house or to do some activities like going to the lake with their and ours dog or whatever you‘d like to do. If you’re just waiting for the others to set up something your circle will get smaller and smaller by time.
Some attrition is normal because without getting into a lot of detail, that’s simply how life and its commitments work. It can be hard to accept that as you age, friendships are mostly context based, but it’s actually always been the case – you just didn’t notice. You change and so do your friends, so much of what brought you together in the first place in terms of circumstances (same school, same hobbies, same friend circle) evolve. It isn’t a personal failure when friendships lapse because of life, it’s just a fact of life, don’t beat yourself up over it.
I have 1 very close friend and several circumstantial friends. It’s possble they evolve into something deeper and I am willing to put in the effort but they have to as well. Life is pretty good. I used to worry about losing my circle from high school, from university but I’ve since realized that not every relationship is one that endures. Some are meant to be temporary, so I enjoy the ride while it lasts.
You’re a guy? Yeh it’s normal, I have one friend from my job, know lots but wouldn’t call them friends. And a few dads from my kids school, we get together a few times a year for curry and beer but outwith that not a lot of contact. My family life took up a lot of time and effort outside working but really you’ll find that women are so much better at organising and keeping friendships than men.
I belong to a very tight group that I’ve been a core member of for decades.
However, we are gettin on now and we only see each other rarely. We are spread far and wide, and we’re busy with life. We only get everyone together once a year or so.
I don’t mind though. So much of life is social, I don’t mind having a part of my life that’s just for me. Where I don’t have to consider anyone else and can focus on what I want.
I have local friends at work, and some local fishing buddies. They’re not real ride or die friends though more like situational acquaintanceships. Still nice though. A couple of those guys really make an effort to be your friend that feels nice.
Honestly dude early 30s onwards is like the busiest time of life. Your old friends are all busy working and having kids and all kinds of shit like that. Try re connecting with them. Couldn’t hurt. They will probably be stoked on it.
That’s what happens. I’m 53. In my 20’s and 30’s I was like everyone else no “buddies” We were focused on kids and careers. Now I’ve got 3 guys gain. We’ve been friends for close to 50 years. We don’t hang out all the time. When we do it’s like we’re teenagers again.
You need more then 2 or 3? I bearly have time for those too we might see each other once a month or so .
My friendship group definitely declined in my mid-20s for a number of reasons. Then as we’ve all got older, people’s priorities change. People have to make time for their family, work is more likely to be a Monday to Friday rather than picking up shifts. And energy levels aren’t what they used to be. So it can be hard.
A surefire killer is to start approaching the friendships as transactional. If you get sick of being the personal organising trips and reaching out,don’t expect someone else to pick up the slack unless it’s been discussed.
It’s also harder to make new friends as we age. People aren’t so willing to make an effort to get to know new people, and are often more stuck in their ways. It’s not impossible, but it’s harder.
Never had one
Late forties man here. I have a wife and children, and luckily I still have quite a lot of friends. Though less than when I was in my twenties and had no wife and children yet.
I am very outgoing and I put effort in my friendships.
I never had dozens but I had a core cycle of 10. Now I’ve got 4 in that cycle. I still have a couple more than that out of that but I parted ways with people as I matured and noticed certain behaviours that I don’t like to see around me. Many things are much easier to overlook when you are younger and over time you expect people to mature with you. Sometimes it happens later with different people, and this happens. Or sometimes you become different people with different concerns.
I have a fair amount of friends that but I see and do stuff with at times, but we are not as close as I was with friends in my 20s for sure. The reality is it’s simply hard to find people who schedules lineup perfectly with yours so ultimately, I have different groups for different things, but not one group for everything. And yes, I do a lot of stuff by myself, but I’m OK with that.
I keep making more friends.
I have a ton of friends and make new friends often.
I have two, maybe four, friends. None of them live near me. I see two of them a couple of times per year, the other two I haven’t seen in years. I met all of them 30 years ago or longer. I miss hanging out with guys. Those were my best times.
I’ve got two friends that I talk to regularly. I’ve got one friend that I can/will go to for help or to talk through things.
You don’t need 18 fair weather friends, you need 1 all weather friend.
Same. Especially after kids you can only really hang out with people who have kids. Single folks don’t really get the responsibility you have when you have a family.
No, I have friends. We have a enshrouded server and play once a week.
It is tough. It’s certainly nothing like the old days, but me and a few buddies keep in touch with a group chat. And try to get together once evey couple of months. Other than that I’m pretty used to just focusing on my daughter and my wife, and myself.
Quantity decreases over time.
We need to know how to take advantage of this life change and increase the quality of what was left, or build new few closer, deeper ones.
I don’t have friends like I did when I was young. I don’t hang out with anyone outside of my family. I have some old friends that I might talk to a few times a year, and I have work acquaintances, but that’s not the same. I just don’t have time for friends. Honestly, I’d rather hang out with my kids or my wife.
In real life I don’t t think I have any friends, last time I tried I realised that the friendship meant a lot to me and nothing to them so I haven’t bothered since.
At 18 they were more “ acquaintances “ than friends. You’ll know who your real friends are when you pass 30.
Friendship goes both ways though, you have to call and set things up. Sitting in the couch is easier:)
2-3 great, reliable, caring , have you best interest friends are much more valuable than 15-20 acquaintances….
I have probably 5 that I consider my closest compadres. Would drop everything to help them.
Same age as you. Had lots of buddies when I was 21 and under, but we did stupid young kid shit and I have a wife and kids now. Unfortunately when most people actually get their life rolling they tend to have less and less time to hangout, and also less interest in hanging out. Hell most days after work I’m just ready to relax and get ready for the next day of work and school for the kids. Kids also usually kill off most friends who don’t also have kids, because they are kind of a drag to single or non parent people lol it sucks but it is what it is. I hang with my brother in law from time to time, but thats about it. No new friends lol
Do you have none, one or two? Those are all very different numbers.
The true test is close friends. Just imagine: it’s 3 o’clock in the morning, and you’re in the shit. Car broken down by the side of the road and the auto guys can’t come for hours. Girlfriend kicked you out onto the street. You’ve been stabbed, no ambulance is coming, someone needs to take you to hospital. Whatever. Who do you call?
As well, imagine that happened to someone you know, and they call you – are you surprised they called you? Glad they called you? Annoyed?
That’s the test. Who’s your 3 o’clock in the morning person? And for whom are you the 3 o’clock in the morning person? That’s a close friend. Or good brother, or mother, or whatever.
I have about 5 such people.
It takes time to develop that kind of relationship. And a lot of work.
I have good friends. And a good extended friend group. We’re all in our 40s and 50s.
Very few of us have children. Those who do have children who are middle school aged or just entering college.
TL;DR: find single people or childless couples to make friends with.
I’m still good friends with 5 guys I met between elementary and high school. All my college friends have become acquaintances and I have 4 friends I’ve made post college. So 9 guys I consider close friends and maybe another 10 that are borderline friends/ acquaintances. I’m 30
None but many many people i interact with on friendly terms often
I’ve got my wife and kids, and that’s it. The only spare time I have is spent playing video games before bed.
I was always more of a friend to people than they were to me. I’m 30, married, 3 kids. I moved to a small town in 2018, in 2020 a guy around my age started renting a house just down the street. He would wave and I would wave back. My neighbor next door sold his house to someone who was close to my age. Well the 3 of us would get together almost every day after work and drink.
Neighbor next door couldnt afford his house and child support, moved back with his mom, me and the other guy continued to drink together on Friday and Saturday only. I’m talking drinking beer and talking and laughing around a fire til 3 AM both nights. Wife and kids already went back inside for bed. One day the texts stopped and he stopped coming around. Turns out he was nailing a chick a block up and telling his girlfriend he was drinking with me. So the last semblance I had of a friend was gone. I stopped drinking in 2023 and haven’t looked back, hard to make friends without at least social drinking.
It happens to all of us, when you are 18 a lot of your friends are geographically based with the similarity that yall go to school. At 28 you co workers would fit that spot but we are now busier with different interest. Keep those 2 then your mate will be your true friend. And it will be enough.
What’s your “third place”?
I have friends at church that I see a couple times a week. I love those guys but it isn’t the kind of friends that I just call on a whim or just hang out.
My one true friend is the guy who moved in across the street about 5 years ago. We ride motorcycles together and text memes and motorcycles for sale and other stuff several times a week. He helped me get the job I am working now and we work at the same place but rarely see each other at work unless it is intentional. If it wasn’t for him I’m not sure I would have any other close friends.
It is not unusual to not have friends but probably not ideal.
If you mean close friend, then yes, I have none. I have some friends, we can hangout sometimes but it’s like at best once a week, a lot of times we don’t contact each other for weeks. And even though I spend most of my time on the internet I don’t talk to anybody here, literally 0 internet friends.
Just my wife.
I’ve never really had many friends, but thankfully I’m married to my best one. I have a bunch of acquaintances but no one other than my wife that I would consider a true friend.
I’m 38 and whilst I have a bunch of mates through work and various activities, I don’t really have any mates that are mates “just because”. Like on the weekends I don’t have anyone that would drop in for a beer or whatever
It completely varies throughout my life. Periods of no friends to periods of larger friend groups etc.
I would assume as you get older the natural way of meeting a lot of people dwindles, but that’s likely more due to lack of effort than actual opportunities
Close friends; 4. Friends/Acquaintances; like 20ish. For close friends, we meet up at least once a month for TTRGs. Keeps us close and gives us as an excuse to see each other. I have a lot of friends/acquaintances because I belong to a social club based around an activity (fencing). I also worked with the same people for the last couple of years, so bonds form naturally. To have any connection with another human, you need to have a shared emotional experience. To do that, you need consistent time with someone, which can be hard. Sometimes you need to manufacture it. IMO it also needs to be irl.
I maintain a text group of neighbors and send out a text once a week for trivia night at a local brewery. Lots of guys in need of friends show up and some real friendships have been born. I recommend it to everyone to find something small like this and put in just a bit of effort.
I moved (far) away from my friends group a few years ago. Then came the pandemic and I realized I liked being left alone. I now have a dog and that’s good enough for me.
I talk with friends back home every now and then, but 99% of the time, I’m initiating the conversation.
I only have one friend really, my wife. But tbh, working 3 jobs doesn’t really leave any time to actually have friends.
All my friends first dispersed geographically and then had kids. Now I’m the generic “uncle” on the rare occasion I see them and I spend all my time with my partner who is experiencing the same.
Real friends stay connected it’s that simple.
I am 42 and can honestly say I have 2 friends. Both have been part of my life for well over 20 years. Most other people I have met and become friends with, we have just gone our different ways. I think as we get older our wants change. A true friend will grow with you and help you be you.
It only does the focus shift, but priorities and interests do, too.
I’ve been observing that as we age we also often become more solitary, part of the struggle for work/life balance.
Not exactly zero. I’ve got a handful of good friends but they aren’t all in one place anymore. I’ve also moved abroad with my wife who is great but apart from her I have no one here.
Actually, if you’ve managed to hang on to two you’re doing pretty well. People really DON’T appreciate the things that matter until they’ve lost them, and then they lack the ambition to go and get them back. So friendships have a tendency to just fade out when other things get in the way…then people wonder why they’re lonely.
The irony being that it isn’t that hard to get them back…you just have to be willing to be the one who puts in the effort.
Because yeah, life is better with ’em than without ’em.
I’m 43, I don’t really have any close friends, just neighborhood people or inlaws I’m friendly with. I have my wife and kids, and my folks and my brothers and their families. Nobody that I would text and say, “hey man, you want to go to the brewery and get some beers Friday?
It sucks, and I feel lonely sometimes, but work, and spending time with my family, and my hobbies keep me busy. I could try harder to try and break into some local groups to make some friends but I don’t think my values and personality really vibe really well with the typical people who live here so I don’t really try. It’s frustrating to feel like I’m making a new friend only to find out later they believe or espouse some pretty heinous bullshit.
I’m 52. I organize golf every week and Friday night season tickets for baseball for 15 dudes. Ran a softball team for 20 years until Covid, now it’s a golf league. Out of 15 plus guys in our neighborhood, only a couple of us organize. The other guys are grateful for it. Ski and hike when I can. Get busy, it gets harder as you get older and I see plenty of guys that do nothing. That said, most guys and couples love a drink on the patio. You just need to invite them.
It depends on what you consider a ” friend “, ” acquaintance”, just someone you know.
I rarely had Friends, which I consider as going to their home, going out to places, have their number, etc.
Acquaintance, we really only do friend stuff when we run into each other. I still have their number, but rarely call them. ( friend at worker).
Just people I know, are the ones you stop and say hi to, but don’t do anything or have their number.
I was always a loner growing up shy kid. Only ever had 4 or 5 friends in my life.
I mainly have “acquaintances”, couple dozen.
A Dozen or 2, People I know.
I don’t have a close family either, so that might have to do with it
I’m 36, no kids, and I have a pretty solid set of friends. Like 3 or 4 ride or die bros for life, and another half dozen or so who I’d consider close friends. Most don’t live near me, but we still make an effort to see each other a few times a year, and we regularly connect online (through gaming, D&D nights, or just a Zoom call once in a while).
It definitely takes effort though. Once I have kids I could see it becoming super hard to stay in touch with everyone. A few of them are starting to have kids now and so far we’ve made it work though.
36 here. I have no friends and honestly I don’t have time for friends. Between work, kids, wife and other tasks. Just no time for friends.
At the same time, I’m an introvert and a Virgo so having no friends suits me well.
Besides, having friends just means more people to let you down.
My parents are the only friends I have.
I’ve simply accepted that there’s something wrong with me. I might be mildly autistic or something because… I just don’t care about people. The other week one of my friends dissed me because his rank is higher than mine and I walked away. Never spoke to him again. He meant it as a joke but my brain took it much worse. When things get hard I tend to walk away.
I’m almost 38 and have zero friends, zero wife and zero kids. To be completely honest I’ll be glad when things come to an end.
I have 0. Just acquaintances and people that I may text once in a while.
Men’s friendship circles tend to contract unless you all make an effort to stay in touch. Even finding things to do online can help maintain that friendship.
I have a few work buddies. But I never see them outside of work. I did have friends a few years ago, but we live far from each other and they didn’t get along with my wife.
It’s a bit lonely, but honestly no different from before. The only real difference is that I don’t shoot the breeze and keep up with anyone outside of work and my marriage. It’s lonely but also not, I suppose.
27 i got no friends at all
Sad but true. After 30, they all moved away or started families like me and now the contact is so loose, I cannot consider it a friendship anymore.
This is the part about adulthood that no one talks about. I have 1 maybe 2 close friends. My wife doesn’t have any that she regularly keeps in touch with. My brother is the same, my sister has mayne 4 or 5 tops.
If someone is important to you, let them know. Don’t let them isolate themselves. Stay active in their lives. Hold on dearly to those that are important to you, and if you are important to them, they will do the same and you will both appreciate it as you get older.
I have a few friends I still
Talk to and hang out with occasionally but it’s not a priority like it used to be. I only have so much mental bandwidth to deal with people ( even people that I like) and that mostly gets used on my family 🤣 I value my alone time
Im on the list with you, my guy. For me, i noticed that when relationships started to change, and when u get a little money. People do start to drop off. As far as friends now, your correct, i have maybe 1 or 2 i see regular, and 1 or 2 more i text with that live outta state that used to live here.What really sucks now. I’m 44 married, and our daughter is grown moved out, and it’s just my wife and I, and for some reason, we are still living like we have a child. Lol, in bed by 730pm. This isn’t how I pictured living in an empty nest. We have so much we wanna do we just feel stuck in this circle.
Yep that’d be me. Down to zero now that I talk to on a regular. Couple that we’ll check in with each other like 1-2 a year but hard to say that’s much of a friendship
Im 54 and I only have 3 friends, but they are all ride or die friends. 100X worth 100 “buddies”
Quality > quantity youngster
Source: 51 M, married, kids 20, 16
It helps to have dinner with families with similar aged kids. Make friends with kids friend’s parents, dont lose college friends, it’s ok (maybe mandatory) to have guys’/girls’ night (or trips).
Poker nights are great. Dont watch TV every night. Have gym friends, sport friends, professional friends, dont stop learning (language group, piano lessons, ping pong, dance lessons, take up tennis, chess, book club, prayer groups, brush up on math to stay several years ahead of kids’ school needs. Get a tutor for anything educational. If you have a dog, go to dog parks.
If you are lucky enough to be in Texas, HEB has cooking classes. Pay for professional coaching/continuing education to be better at what you do for a living.
The world is an incredibly interesting place with crazy people in it. Step out of your comfort zone and talk to strangers. Some people will think you’re totally psycho, but they werent going to be your friend anyway 👍🏼
I am 51, my last male friend that I hung out with regularly took himself out of my life 22 years ago. He lived with us, was the godfather to my oldest son, dated my SIL. He sabotaged that relationship and then moved out and I have seen him twice since. Aside from keeping in touch with friends via FB and the occasional 1 off visit when they are in town, I do not have friends. I don’t count my oldest female friend because she is one of my wife’s best friends as well. I did not make friends easily as a younger man, that did not change with age. I recognize I am an odd duck. I don’t give two shits about what the average guy occupies his free time with so finding friends with common interests is a challenge.