I (M 24) was coerced into oral sex by an older kid as a young kid (8-9). I’m struggling to understand how much this is actually affecting me in my life. I have always had self esteem issues, self hatred and confusion in sexuality and needed external validation. But l’ve also been heavily bullied so l attribute those feelings to this.I guess I just feel numb a lot. This person is still in my life as a brother in law of my dad’s best friend. I don’t usually have a visceral reaction when seeing him.
I’m in a healthy relationship that I don’t think I can keep moving forward due to this numbness, but I’m just curious……did this initial sexual trauma set things into motion more than I noticed? And I’ve never put these things into words and thoughts much before getting into this healthy relationship, where my feelings and emotional readiness is being tested. I’m just not sure what’s going on with my emotions and therapy is very expensive right now.
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It probably had a much bigger impact than you realize. Kid’s brains do wild things to protect themselves and it probably helped shape the way you deal with things. Please try to find a therapist. If you have insurance, go through them and just get set up with someone online if you have to. You don’t want your past trauma to ruin a good thing just because you don’t know how to respond to healthy love. I have had similar experiences and I really wish I’d dealt with it much earlier.