I (38yo F) am an accidental only child. I now live 5 hours away from them. We don’t really get along- they are hypercritical of everything I do or don’t do even as an adult, and we just have very different beliefs and values. I can’t be myself around them and I hate the person I am when they are around- I get bad anxiety when I am in public or around people I know and they are there. Especially my father as he always brings me down and is super inappropriate to strangers. Their circumstances and relationship is confusing and frustrating. Now that I have kids of my own, I feel like my kids need a relationship with them but I also need to set boundaries… how often is fair on both sides for visits?
How often do you see your parents, as an adult, when your relationship with them is not great?
r/Advice
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Tough relationship need strong boundaries, a few short visits a year are enough if that’s all you can handle protect your peace first
Birthdays and some classic family gathering moments (christmas for instance).
Seeing your parents at least 2 or 3 times a year seems an accepting frequency (in my point of view)
Nah, you do you and what’s best for you and your kids. You should look up low/no contact.
Your parents don’t sound very good people and they just popped you out. Plenty of others realize how little they mean to their birth parents. Back then and even now, people refuse to be responsible WITH access to basic birth control.
I do not believe they will help your kids improve and grow at human beings. Your obligation is what is best for your kids. If you still have issues at your core about how you grew up and parents then go get therapy and look stuff up.
I’m here telling you, that if your parents weren’t related you wouldn’t want them around you much less your kids. And that’s perfectly acceptable. Their guilting you should not influence how to look after your kids.
EXAMPLE to RE-FRAME: Another way, say you divorced and your parents were actually your ex-in-laws. How less of access would you like for your kids? The kids “depending on the court and their dad” might give access, but really you’re only obligated legally (possibly) to have your ex see the kids, not their other set of grandparents (but again let’s say in this fake scenario that his parents’ are yours). Drop your own guilt in regards with your kids.
Lastly, would you like your kids to endure your parents? Neglectful and and “even if” “”they weren’t always bad or “that” bad” — like they could likely cause issues:
Say inappropriate things to or in front of your kids leading to really weird and bad questions too early or inappropriate for your kids
You have no idea if you leave them their or let them (the kids) go on a hangout day how your parents REALLY treat your kid. Neglect, ignored, upset, snapping at them and so on— just don’t in my opinion
They could have never learned from you and still mistreat your kids or leave them vulnerable to strangers even if it is not deliberate
It will cause you STRESS and affect indirectly your kids/family/spouse care
Weird dynamics about money and the kids being used as pawns. For example that you owe them. Even if you never asked them to babysit. You owe them because they claim kids damaged or broke things that isn’t even broken. So many examples of “what the heck” takes a lot of energy from you and goes nowhere positive.
Say I’m pulling it way too extreme. If you really want then you can video call on holidays or something. I have noticed (many not all) older people reach out more to feel important, not because they TRULY care about their grandkids or adult children. But it “keeps the peace” and is minimal. If they demand ridiculous things, you need to stand your ground. Like “you don’t care about your mom/dad if you don’t drive to bring the kids every holiday/weekend.
Set the example you want for your kids. It’s ok to be confused lady, but you’re 38 and a MOM.
Look up on youtube ‘jeremy wise’ and ‘patrick teahan’ might be a good starting point as you have no idea about toxic family and dealing with past issues.
I live a couple of states away from them. The last time I saw them was about ten years ago when my oldest kid graduated from high school. Every time before that I had to go to them except when I had a baby.They keep saying they’re coming to visit but never do. I have a disabled kid so traveling is difficult for me. I don’t have a good relationship with them, it’s okay. They see my dad’s nieces and nephews more than me. My siblings when they were still speaking to them got visited more often than I have. I honestly don’t think my parents like me.
I don’t feel like my kids are missing much by not having a relationship with them.
You don’t owe toxic people regular visits just because they’re family. If seeing them drains you, it’s okay to limit it to a few times a year or less. Prioritize your mental health. Your kids don’t need a relationship with people who hurt you. Boundaries are love, too.
My father passed away when I was a teenager, my mother remarried- to an absolutely vile man. She then became racist, cruel and a liar.
Eventually, I went no contact, as did one of my adult kids. The other has phone contact only and won’t go out in public with them or let them visit.
Save yourself years of grief and put yourself and your family first.
I’ve got two sets. I speak to my adoptive father on occasion for my daughters sake. That’s it.
Ideally, zero times a year.