Hi all!
I have a weird situation I’d like some advice on. One of my best friends since college (so like 15 years now) lives about 3 hours away, so she comes up to see me about 2x I year, and I go down to see her about the same.
However, every time she comes to visit, I have to be prepared for the astronomical task of cleaning my guest bathroom every time she leaves.
The guest bathroom is right across the hall from my husband’s office, which he spends most of his time in when she’s there, and he rarely shuts his door unless he’s in a work meeting. My friend has a LOT of body insecurity, and despite us both being in our mid thirties, this extends to her using the bathroom. She has told me after some wine once that she loves visiting me, but is super self conscious about pooping while here at our new home because the bathroom is right outside my husband’s office.
I reassured her that my husband does not care, but that if she’s really concerned, she’s more than welcome to use the other bathroom in our home, which is in my bedroom. I even told her it has a nice bidet. Additionally, all our bathroom fans are on timers, so she is welcome to turn it on for 15 minutes and shut the door, which in my experience, takes care of any odors. She hasn’t taken me up on the offer, and doesn’t seem to be willing to use the fan.
I used to keep Poo-Pourri in the bathroom, but after her one visit, I had to stop leaving it in there when she would visit. My ENTIRE bathroom, including the countertops and shower curtain was covered in oil stains, and the room reeked of the toilet spray. I realized she had been trying to use the poo pourri as an air freshener, instead of a toilet spray. Okay, my bad, I spent a few hours cleaning up the greasy mess that was my bathroom and bought some febreeze aerosol spray.
Next time she came to visit, when she left, the bathroom was so covered in febreeze, there was a fine film on EVERYTHING. I had to take the toilet seat off the toilet and wash it with Dawn, and had to mop the walls because you could run a finger through the grease. The can of febreeze was almost empty. It was brand new before her visit.
At this point, I was just baffled, and had been wondering how to bring this up.
I never got to replace the febreeze the next time she stayed, because it was a surprise visit planned by my husband for my birthday, and at the end of the weekend, I had an even WORSE problem than the last time, because instead of febreeze, I realized she’d been spraying her freaking spray deodorant all over the bathroom due to the lack of air freshener!!! I had to scrape the chalky residue off my counters and floors… it was AWFUL.
My friend is a very sweet and kind person, and I know for a fact that she would be mortified to learn what a mess she’s making and wouldn’t be doing this if she had any idea, but I know her very well, and know if she’s embarrassed enough, she might not want to come visit me at all anymore, and would make excuses or suggest we meet up halfway instead.
What’s so ironic about all this is that my husband is way too busy playing games with his friends online to notice her using the bathroom at all, and yet he has complained to me about the excessive febreeze smell!
I want to bring this up with her because I just don’t want to spend another 3 hours cleaning my bathroom after she visits. I keep a very tidy home, and have pretty high hygiene standards, but even so a deep clean of that bathroom never takes me more than an hour on a normal occasion.
How do I talk to her about this without making her more embarrassed?
Edit:
I’m getting a lot of good responses, but I wanted to clear up a couple points that keep getting brought up.
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My friend and I lived together in college, and she used poo-pourri correctly, so I know this isn’t ignorance.
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I can ask my husband to close his door but his office is basically a closet, and during certain times of the year gets EXTREMELY hot, so it’s a bit of an unfair ask to have him closed up for 4 days while she’s here.
TLDR: my friend is very self conscious and is using nearly an entire can’s worth of febreeze every time she visits and it leaves a disgusting film all over every surface of my bathroom.
Comments
I think I’d just be really direct. “Girl, your shit doesn’t stink THAT badly. Just spray the Febreeze like once and then back away from the bottle. It’s okay. Seriously. Also, please use the fan. It works better than the Febreeze by far.”
Otherwise… maybe don’t leave Febreeze in the washroom the next time she visits since she can’t be trusted with it 😭
Not gonna lie, I think this stuff is just inherently embarrassing so you’re both gonna have to deal with some embarrassment no matter what. Better to rip off the band-aid than draw things out with a longer, even more awkward conversation. You’ve been friends forever and you’re close! Your friendship can handle some cringe.
I would just be blunt. Tell her you know what she’s doing, it’s making a mess that takes you hours to clean, and she needs to stop it. If she can’t stop it, she needs to clean the bathroom before she leaves.
Would it help to have your husband close the door while she’s over? It seems like the most minor thing considering it’s only a few times a year.
Your probably going to have to be blunt that the entire bottle of febreeze smells worse then shit does. The shit smell will go away with the fan, the febreeze smell requires deep cleaning.
An empty aim freshener, like those sticks in a bottle oil ones, might also soothe her without requiring more scent.
By text or email:
“Hey, I wanted to check in about your visit. I know you’re self-conscious about bathroom smells so I’ve left out some poopouri. It’s really effective, if you use that and light a match it will take care of everything. I know you’ve used some sprays and stuff in the past when you stayed but they actually create tough cleanup for me so please just leave it at the poopouri and a match! I know this stuff is awkward but we’re all human and it’s nbd to me!
Looking forward to seeing you!”
Could you get the Aesop post poo drops? They go directly into the bowl and you don’t spray them.
Oh man me and my friends have no filter when it comes to things so I’ve never encountered this. I would just be lighthearted but blunt. Like girl you don’t need to use the whole bottle no one notices I swear! We only notice when you douse the place in a cover up spray haha. Then say some story about one of you stinking up the bathroom or something. Maybe ask why she’s so self conscious about pooping at other people’s homes. My friend will visit and we’ll yell talk to each other while the other is in the bathroom 😅 I think the more you keep it lighthearted and talk about your own bathroom stuff she’ll open up more. It truly is no big deal and her anxiety is causing this. You could even open up with telling her you want her to have a great time and not feel anxious about using the bathroom. Or Tell her one of you has developed a sensitivity to perfume smells so if she could refrain from brining any strong sprays or deodorants that would be great
Edit spelling
“Hey, if you’re gonna spray products all over the bathroom walls be prepared to clean it.”
When she comes over gon head and put a mop/bucket with cleaning products in the bathroom. Gotta show her you’re serious.
Replace the sprays with a boxes of matches. Literally just have to light one for a second and toss it in the toilet and it destroys the smell. Just smells like a match for a few seconds.
But also as a friend I’d let her know bc she’s probably blowing up other people’s bathrooms too.
Could you just keep all that stuff out of reach? Maybe just take everything sprayable out of your bathroom
OMG my old coworker did this!!!!! She would spray so much air freshener that it would coat everything and no one in the office could breathe! We had to hide it 🤣 omg that’s too funny, no advice, just commiseration
I would be direct and say that she’s overdoing it on the sprays.
But if you want to be delicate, maybe say that the guest bathroom isn’t working and she needs to use your’s and hope for the best?
I would flat out lie and say husband has been having headaches lately, so please no scented products in the bathroom since his office is next door. It’s nothing to do with her, and allows you both a polite fiction.
Can you put an essential diffuser in the bathroom? That way you can control the oils available-citrus blends are great. Try and get one that automatically shuts off in 30 minutes.
No residue on everything with an essential oil diffuser!
PureAyr is safe and natural, and doesn’t leave an artificial smell, or any smell at all after a minute or two. You could leave a spray bottle of it in there instead of Febreze. Highly recommended.
Also, we recently took my dad to the ER for some issues concerning his colostomy, and in order to examine him they had to remove the bag which would have produced a LOT of odor in a crowded ER. Someone put a bowl full of (dry) coffee grounds nearby before the bag was removed, and I was amazed by how well that worked. It must be SOP to do that with anything involving poo because no doctor or nurse specifically asked to have it done–it just magically appeared.
Throwing this out there because it’s what works for my husband and I — if you light a match, blow it out a few seconds later, and let the smoke spread through the restroom it masks most of the smell almost immediately. That plus the fan and we don’t have any trouble. We also keep candles in our bathroom. Maybe if you try that instead she won’t be able to leave any crazy residue with the sprays but will still feel she has sufficiently reduced any smell.
Another option- while she visits, maybe you could see if your husband is willing to avoid that bathroom and treat it as “her” bathroom for the duration? Depending on what part is causing anxiety maybe that would be an option, though a much less convenient one for you and your husband.
I do think it’s worth having a conversation around her anxiety about it and how you have to clean up which is worse than temporary smells, plus why she won’t use the fan. Yours may not be the only house this happens at and if it were me, I’d rather have the awkward conversation with a close friend and be able to fix it.
Matches.
I would be straight with her and full of gentle love:
‘I love our friendship. I love that we visit each other still, all these years later. You are so special to me and I feel we can talk about anything. And I want you to know that you don’t need to spray my bathroom walls down with 500ml of Febreeze or deodorant or whatever, every time you use my home bathroom.
Everybody poops. Poops usually smell. Exhaust fans in bathrooms are used all across the globe for this reason. We use one here. This is totally normal life. If my husband being home is the issue, I’ll get him to close his office door but please remember he is a male and he is consumed by his video games, not whatever you’re doing in the bathroom. Literally neither of us care, I want you to feel comfortable going about your biz in my home.
No one is taking notes on your bathroom habits or listening intently while you’re in there or coming in after to do a sniff test. You’re all good! However I can’t keep cleaning up the bathroom when you leave – the entirely over the top use of sprays is a health hazard and it upsets me that I have to wash my walls when you leave. I know you’re not intending to make a mess but I want us to be honest with each other. I love you. If there’s anything you’re worried about, please tell me. Let’s figure it out.’
If she’s jangled by anxiety, there’s really no other way.
You need to tell her about the clean up issues that her excessive spraying is causing. I would not have this conversation where she thinks anyone else can hear you. But you need to be honest, if she needs to leave to use the bathroom elsewhere then so be it.
Fill the febreze bottle with water. It will still be scented enough that she probably won’t notice the difference.
Yeah, you’re gonna have to say something to her. She’s being ridiculous. Send a text:
“Hey, I know this is embarrassing to you, so I wanted to text. I’m not sure if you realize what you’re doing in our bathroom with the air fresheners is making the mess that it’s making, but I need to be blunt about this before you visit next. The Poo Pourri you sprayed all over the bathroom instead of in the toilet left oily spots all over. I left Febreeze next time and you used the entire bottle after one use, and the smell of the Febreeze was so strong that it was unbearable. When you visited after that for [husband’s] birthday, you used your spray deodorant as an air freshener, which left a residue all over my entire bathroom, and I had to scrape it off.
I know this is hard for you to hear, and please know that I still want you to visit! I just really need you to stress a lot less about whatever perceived smell you’re leaving and realize that you’re going way overboard trying to cover it, which is creating a huge mess for me to clean up. I promise, it’s okay to just use a little Poo Pourri or a little air freshener! No need to be embarrassed or not come visit–everybody poops, it’s cool.”
Lots of good suggestions here, but this behavior seems excessive enough that I’d want to ask about it gently if this was a person I cared about.
Yes, of course you need to make sure this woman doesn’t do bad things to your home, but emptying a bottle of Febreze in one go suggests a significant level of mental distress. Not to mention that if she does this regularly at home and elsewhere, that’s a sizable risk to her health and social relationships, not to mention the sheer risk of causing a fire when spraying that volume of chemicals in small enclosed spaces.
I know you don’t want to embarrass her, but if you’re friends, I think this is a moment where you have to sit her down and ask about her mental health. Be gentle, but don’t let her fob you off with “oh it’s nothing/totally normal/you’re the weird one.” This is not healthy behavior.
Oh my gosh… if someone is so insecure about pooping that you’re literally scraping products off the walls, I feel like speaking to her might not even solve the issue? (In addition to your fear that she might not want to come again.)
What about a diffuser? The type where you put a few drops of essential oil into water, and it sprays a fine mist? Those are meant to be used for hours at a time, doesn’t leave residue and makes it smell nice. You can keep it going during the day, and you go and fill it up with water + oil 1-2 per day. Keep the oil away from her, as I’m sure she’d pour the whole bottle in and clog the machine…
I’d have your husband close the door when she’s staying over. And I’d have an honest discussion with her about using too much spray. It’s okay to be honest! Tell her it’s too much and causing issues in the bathroom leading to extra clean up. Even if she’s a bit embarrassed you’re best friends! It’s okay.
Maybe an automatic air freshener? Let her know ahead of time that she won’t need to worry about doing it herself.
“Girl we need to have an incredibly awkward conversation. The last three times you visited you sprayed so much pooper/fabrieeze/deodorant it destroyed my bathroom and it took HOURS to clean it up. I can’t have that again. No one cares that you are pooping. Everyone poops. There is literally a children’s book called ‘everyone poops’ I’m going to have one pooperi in there. TWO sprays directly in the toilet bowl and that’s it. I’m not about to scrub the oil off my walls again like last time. I’m not going to dismantle my toilet because you decided to use spray deodorant like it was air freshener. I love you and I love your visits but I just can’t. The clean up is way worse than you actually using the bathroom for its purpose.”
Matches
I thought by “destroyed” you meant her poops were so nuclear the bathroom was wrecked for days.
One option is to suggest she would be more comfortable in a hotel. Another would be to go out a couple times a day to the mall or a restaurant etc where she can use someone else’s toilet….
Leave a candle for her to light
I’d suggest leaving matches for afterward, but based on what you’ve mentioned about her, sounds like she would burn down your house trying to cover up the smell lol
And in all seriousness, just have a conversation with her about this.
Kinda unrelated to your post but I recently read that “Febreeze” was allegedly never actually spelled with the double e’s. Supposedly it’s just “Febreze” and always has been. I thought I was losing my mind but your spelling of Febreeze numerous times has made me feel less crazy.
I would second a high quality diffuser or scented candle? High end home fragrance can really hold a room and more without the chemically after scent. You can take a few reeds out of the diffuser to lessen the strength for your husband. That or the equivalent in a candle, have it lit an hour or so before her arrival, at least she should second guess emptying an aerosol by naked flame?
Very indirect but could be a gentle way to then open the topic at a later date if that fails..
Ban sprays and provide incense/candles.
Or teach her how poo-puri actually works by creating an oil barrier on top of the water to trap things below. If she sprays it anywhere but the water, it’s not doing its job and is a pain to cleanup.
Get her the book “Everyone Poops” and tell her to grow up.
I’d say something to this effect:
“OMG, so I found out that I’ve been using Poo-Pourri wrong all these years! I’ve been spraying it in the air, but you’re actually supposed to spray it in the bowl before you go. It works SO much better that way — like, zero odors at all! And that’s a huge relief because aerosol sprays have really been bothering my respiratory system lately.”
If she doesn’t use this “brand new information!” or heed the subtle hint, then you’ll need to be more direct. But hopefully she’ll get the message!
The way I would handle this would honestly be to hire a cleaning service to come deep clean the bathroom whenever she comes to visit. She only visits 2X a year and you don’t want to discourage her from coming.
I’d be concerned that telling her how much time I spend cleaning after she leaves would make her just not want to visit at all. I’d rather pay for a cleaning service than risk my friend choosing not to visit. These types of issues are very embarrassing to people and would not be worth the risk to me to broach directly.
A lot of people are saying your friend needs to get over it (which is true), but there are some simple things you can do to help make this uncomfortable situation easier for her.
I do think you can be gently honest with your friend that the various sprays have made a big mess and you need her to stop doing that. Maybe even joke that your household does a courtesy flush so she feels more comfortable doing so; some people will be reluctant to waste the water.
Maybe this is just me projecting, but do you think she could be bulimic? This behaviour would absolutely check out if she’s vomiting and ashamed and worried about the smell. It would also make sense that she’s worried about your husband’s proximity and the possibility of him overhearing.
Just be kind, honest with her about the mess of the febreeze/aerosol deodorant, and ask her to use the fan and reassure her your husband doesn’t notice or care. Make it into a bit of a joke, bodily functions and smells are human and kind of funny. It sounds like she’s worth keeping around otherwise.
What if you put a wall plug-in scented thingy in the bathroom? She can’t possibly missuse that…
What if you show her and tell her about poo-pouri (with the new bottle you have stocked in the bathroom) and let her know that she only needs a little bit because it’s very powerful. Also, tell her that your husband has allergies and he is super sensitive to the aerosol sprays. So that’s why poo-pouri is being used now. But warn her not to spray any outside the toilet because it has essential oils in it and it could be slippery if it got on the floor. Kinda covers all the bases?
She also needs a copy of “Everybody Poops.” The book would do her wonders.
Just tell her how to use the poo-pouri. It’ll save you AND her a lot of time. I’m like your friend. Using other people’s bathrooms gives me anxiety. I actually got those small poo-pourii sprays to carry in my backpack or purse. It’s because my poops can sometimes smell horrendous depending on what I had for a meal. The poo-pourii also keeps ME from smelling it. And it actually smells nice.
If you guys are good friends you should be able to tell her that the poo pouri goes into the toilet bowl without making her feel like a low life.
Good Luck.
Poo pourri spray might be good
What about not inviting her any more? Just meet each other half way. Stay in hotel both your own room and have drinks together and chat along.
How fine is it for you not to fear the cleaning afterwards and how fine is it for her to poop at her own home.
Problem solved
At work, no one likes any of the Febreeze sprays bc it’s just too much. So, someone started buying matches to use after bad it honestly works so much better. I always thought the saying that lighting a match was a joke but it works. Do you think she’d use that?
….why can your husband not just close the door out of respect for your friend?
Put a candle in there
How do people not know the dump and flush trick? If you take a poop every time you poop you flush don’t wait till the end, this way the smell goes down with the poop and there is barely any smell left.
Buy a travel size bottle of Just a Drop and tell her all about it and how to use it and how amazing it is at eliminating any odors from using the toilet. Seriously go to town on how great it is. Make up a story about you having some digestive issues recently and discovering it, and now you just can’t live without it.
It’s the same premise as PooPouri, but it is a tiny eyedrops size bottle that you just use a drop of each time you go. It’s so tiny and comes out as a drop of liquid, that I can’t imagine she could misuse it.
I got a migraine just from reading this 💀
No advice, just condolences!!! I had a similar situation with my BIL’s gf. I had to scrub the walls, blinds, and throw out the rugs. I could not tolerate the first floor of my house for 3 days. It was truly awful!
“we go natural as all those products are filled with crap, please could you just crack a matchstick from now”
She knows she is leaving a big mess and you’d think leaving that for your host to clean would be very embarrassing. The question is, why doesn’t SHE clean after she poops?
You are great friends. Sit her down and tell her you need to find a solution that works for both of you. Then do it.
Get her something she can safely spray everywhere.
Dawn, mixed with water in a bottle and leave a cloth out then she can clean she goes and it will also be scented for her
How about putting an air purifier in there. One with a carbon activated filter. So she can crack it on high and be comforted in the loud sound and the air purifying qualities.
I would just clean it after she leaves and not make my friend feel embarrassed and uncomfortable.
Can she not use an oil burner or wax melt in there? They smell nice enough without the residue and might make the experience a little nicer for her.
Ask her to stay in a hotel next time and limit it to one visit per year. Or just set the condition of staying at your place to clean the bathroom before she leaves. It’s the least she can do for saving on lodging expenses.
You’re being very gracious. I would be revolted.
If you value this friendship, just hire a cleaning service to come the day/after your friend leaves. You already know that mentioning this to her will cause her absolute humiliation. She will likely never come over – or possibly even visit with you again – anywhere. Be kind.
Empty out the bottles & fill the bottles with WATER and 2 drops of essential oils. She will be none the wiser.