I’ve been in the talking phase with 3 different guys. Like clockwork, each one of them revealed a careless opinion about current events. When I’m talking with women, it’s no issue. We’re always on the same page. But, the guys I’ve been interested in lately are in America on student visas and understandably want to keep anti-DT opinions hidden. I 100% respect that. Anything they say could jeaopordize their status.
However, after a few days, I asked one guy about his general opinion of current events. Not just here, but elsewhere too. He “joked” about voting for DT, backtracked, then said he “knows there’s a lot going on”. Guy # 2 said Americans don’t appreciate what they have (I agreed). But then he bragged about having a high-paying tech job. His job makes him “confident nothing will happen to him”. #2 guy was also colorist so I blocked him super fast.
Guy #3 also wanted to stay “neutral”. His reasoning was his own safety (I agree), but he seemed annoyed when I explained I support civil rights. He said it was unreasonable to be divided over differences of opinion.
Shared values is important, but I don’t know if talking about these values with non-Americans so soon is insensitive. Especially considering everything. I didn’t expect so many immigrants and POC to be ambivalent about such things.
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Third date. That is “shit or get off the pot” time. If they are dirtbags, they are not worth being in your life.
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I talk about everything very early on. I have no tolerance for people who think my rights, the rights of my friends and neighbors, are a matter of opinion. I have no tolerance for people who are uncritical in their introspection, and haven’t defined their values for themselves. Because I know how I feel, I don’t want to waste anyone’s time with beating around the bush. If we’re incompatible I’d rather know early.
Immediately. Before a first date, I ask them about their political views and who they voted for. It gives me a general idea of their values, and then I take clues from the dates; if they are not obvious enough, I ask more direct questions.
I had a man push back heavily once I found out he either didn’t vote or didn’t have an opinion on current events and so I cancelled the date. He claimed it was “Realistic” to not feel one way or another, and though we could at least go on a first date to see if there was chemistry. As if I would feel chemistry with someone who didn’t care about rights.
Edit: I also want to point out that men on other subreddits state that they don’t have their political beliefs listed, and women don’t ask them about it. Stop giving men the benefit of the doubt and ask BEFORE giving them the time of day. I get not every guy that does not put it on their profile is some conservative guy hiding, hoping you don’t ask, but just ASK.
I don’t go on dates with people unless I believe to a reasonable degree of certainty that they’re liberal
If you’re willing to sacrifice some of your mental health by spending time in rightoid spaces, you’ll pick up the talking points and dog whistles. I don’t recommend that.
As a guy, I talk about current events on dates. But again, I’m helped because childfree women tend to skew more progressive, and because I do spend time in those rightoid spaces.
Your mileage may vary, but rightoid propaganda will make you dumber and make you lose faith in humanity.
IMHO it’s pretty reasonable to discuss values on the first date. Like, that’s all part of getting to know each other & figuring out if you have compatible life goals. And I can understand someone on a student visa being very reluctant to get involved in protests, or post on social media about how Trump is horrible – but when it’s just two people talking together, I don’t understand the reluctance so much.
I wonder if a lot of these folks have pre-existing cultural values that trend conservative, and so that’s the side they align with – and they just figure, “Well yeah, he’s going after *some* immigrants – but not *me* kind of immigrants, because I’m not doing [X] or [Y]” (where X might be ‘protesting for palestinians’). In any event, I’d definitely be listening carefully to what people do & don’t say. Like, the dude who said that he, “knows there’s a lot going on.” – that’s so freaking telling IMHO. The President is sending random people to forever prison in El Salvador without a legal hearing, and that’s “a lot going on”? That just tells me that he’s on the Trump side of things, but he knows that what Trump is doing is wildly problematic and saying he’s on the Trump side would nix his chances of getting into your pants.
Guy #3, talking about how it’s “unreasonable to be divided over differences of opinion” – that’s the same thing I hear from all sorts of Trumpers all over. It’s similar to what I hear from my own parents – and I can look past that from them, since it’s easy enough to just have a visit for a few days with them without talking about politics. But for someone who’s hypothetically applying for the job of “building a life with you”, the standard needs to be higher.
First date. My now-husband and I got our politics and values aligned from our first ever phone conversation. Having a partner who feels just as strongly about the things that matter to you is incredibly important. Because of that, I felt safe throughout dating and now as a married couple I know that despite whatever little disagreements may pop up, we’ll be ok because we are in agreement on the big things.
I never did the dating thing. but in general when I am trying to feel out ‘who’ someone is. I will look at other behavior traits.
Do they feel remorse for current events or anger?
Do they brag or state facts/observations?
Do they act in good faith?
Do they consider the emotional state of others?
Do they minimize the work they put on others, even in a commercial setting?
Do they have natural curiosity?
Do they have a positive-sum view?
I try to infer as much information about a person as I can before I even ask the question. often I can get them talking long enough they simply tell me their views and I do not need to ask.
I’m a little unclear: were these conversations in person, or over anything electronic including telephone calls?
If the former, I’d say ASAFP.
If the latter, and they’re immigrants or people who have any expectations of international travel, never. I know Americans living in Canada who were denied re-entry to the USA for expressing opinions (or so they claimed, and I believe them). Such opinions are not safe to express.
First date.
Self interested cowards.
Before my husband and I started dating, we discussed values.
If he is in the US on a student Visa, how is it possible that he voted?
I think shared values should be discussed almost immediately, there are ways of going about it subtly without being over the top or pushy. It is true that non-Americans don’t seem to do this as quickly as the US but we’re pretty extreme with these things. And yes, I’m often shocked and disappointed by how often immigrants and POC seem so dismissive of this issues, until it affects them I guess.
I asked my now husband about his political and religious beliefs within our first few messages on tinder. Some things are just non-negotiable. I don’t see any reason to delay it.
I’ve been out of the dating game for a long time so my advice can be taken with a grain of salt but my husband and I were talking about politics/current events on the first real date, as well as our feelings about kids, abortion, and our fucked up families, LOL. I don’t see any reason to hold back. If talking about serious issues scares someone off, then good fucking riddance. I needed someone who was willing to talk with me about anything from day 1 and I needed someone who I knew cared about the things I cared about. If you have to pussyfoot about with someone, they’re not for you. Save yourself time and bring up current events – the worst that happens is you find out someone is someone you don’t want anything to do with.
What a scary situation.
If I say I’m anti-Taco, and you are pro-taco you can report me to the thought police and I get ICE’d.
If I say I’m pro-taco and you are anti-taco, you don’t date me but at least I’m not rotting in a detention center.
Fascism terrifies me.
Immigrants are people. And some people are assholes. Unfortunately.
I went to a big state university, I’ve worked in tech in the US but also in Europe. I’ve met loads of immigrants from lots of places. A subset are right-wing reactionary bigots and misogynists.
Had a long chat in the early 90s with a black guy from Africa who complained about Black Americans. Women from more progressive European countries who were misogynists. Immigrants from the US who were anti-immigrant. It’s wild.
I’m a US/EU dual national straight white cis guy. That conveys a lot of rights and privileges. I’d prefer if everyone else had them – at least the non-toxic ones – so they could live their lives without all the hassle. Instead people seem to want the toxic entitlement, lack of empathy and selfishness.
Which is depressing.
Early.
On first date
Insensitive? Values are values and it’s the #1 thing that you should be concerned about.
In this climate I ask everyone outright who they voted for. If they don’t immediately say Harris and back it up with some kind of statement they makes it believable I walk away. I won’t even look at you if you again. The only exception to this is colleagues as I have no choice, but I don’t entertain their company and will interact with them exactly as required to do it job. No more.
I don’t think it’s worth wasting your time on several dates with someone when they have incompatible values.
It’s absolutely a first date or before topic.
And it’s a totally normal question to ask in the very early stages of getting to know someone
I’m not surprised they’re trying to be as neutral as possible. A marriage would be their safety nets. Even tried a brag about being rich, probably meant to entice you.
I’m guessing they’re from a patriarchy like India and dislike you’re opinionated
In my profile under one of the prompts I answer “if you have conservative, apolitical, or no politics listed in your bio automatically think you’re a coward”.
I wouldn’t waste time on someone who doesn’t have similar values. Ie I’d cancel on someone who had political opinions that aren’t similar to mine.
Sure you can have differing opinions about a lot of topics, but love can’t really ever bridge certain ones. Some might disagree, but I think the big ones are religion, children, politics, equality/rights and the state of the world. Other factors might be having common interests and similar life goals/life goals that wouldn’t be opposing being in that relationship.
My values were listed on my tinder page. I’m pretty sure it read something like down with the patriarchy.
My boyfriends page said eat the rich. That’s how I knew we were meant for each other. Lol
MANY guys did not read my profile and it SHOWED.
My husband and I talked about it before meeting for our first date. He actually says that’s what really made him like me before he was just cautiously optimistic (we live in a red area and he assumed I share those views)
I’m pretty good at finding people online with minimal info. Once I get their full name and stuff I look them up in the voter registration database and see what party they are with and if they voted.
My state (North Carolina) lets you register as unaffiliated if you want, that’s what I am. If I saw they didn’t vote in the last presidential election then I’ll bring it up in conversation. I’ll ask if they voted and if they lie about it, that’s a deal breaker. Shows they are just trying to give the answers they think I want to hear.
Yeah, even as a guy in the UK any potential relationship is dead in the water if we disagree on fundamental issues, so ideally it hits kinda comes up whilst chatting.
If I was chatting with someone who was a staunch Tory and backed every single thing they’ve done it somehow thinks that people from working class backgrounds just need to work harder in this cluster fuck of an existence then I move on. They’re welcome to their views, I’m welcome not to have them around me.
I mean, if you look at the news even, there are immigrants protesting, supporting other immigrants right now… That’s who I would prefer to spend my energy with. It’s a very courageous thing to do but I think the CYA ppl make me dry as a desert tbh.
I met my current partner volunteering for values essential to me.
This helped me filter for people who care about the same stuff as me.
Most immigrants come to the US because their own countries are far worse in every regard. Most of the world is very conservative in values except for the US and Western Europe so expect that when dating foreigners. With that out of the way, I like efficiency, so I would probably sneak in a few questions about recent events on the first date. There’s no point in waiting around and wasting time only to be upset later. If you end up finding out that you two have the same core values, then you can start building a better connection even faster.
There are certain core values that aren’t debatable. And being indifferent to them is just as bad. You know what you mean.
If you don’t pick up hints wether you share these values, it’s totally fine to ask asap.
Because it’s just a waste of both of your time otherwise.
My dating profiles always make sure I have the hottest takes on them so anyone who doesn’t appreciate them can just go ahead and gtfo of my face.
I’m opinionated AF, the only people I’m not discussing my political views with are people I work with.
I don’t even want to be friends or acquaintances with transphobes, homophobes, or racists, because my friends are trans, gender non-conforming, queer, from different racial/ethnic backgrounds etc and I need to know ASAP whether I and the people I love will be in safe around someone.
Beyond that, the things happening around us are at the forefront of my mind most of the time, even a simple “how was your day” means that we’re likely to start talking about how I am afraid or angry or worried by whatever new pile of bullcrap happened that day
I had someone ask for my number recently and before I gave it to them I asked who they voted for. There is no point in wasting time.
Immediately. I dont want to invest time/start building any feelings for someone if I am going to ultimately have to walk away for an obvious deal breaker. My husband and I got together in 2016 and talked about our views on politics, religion, and kids in the first few dates.
Immediately before even meeting or investing time talking. If they think that’s weird they probably hold a view that you disagree with lol.
Tbh I started asking these questions before even going on a date with a man. Why would I waste my time and energy on a date with a man that doesn’t respect human rights or is nonchalant with everything going on? I also started avoiding men that had no political preferences listed or had “moderate” on their profile. Every time I wasted my time with men that had profiles like that revealed themselves to be uncaring or downright right wing extremists.
In this environment, I flat out do not trust somebody avoiding discussing politics. They’re either so privileged they are ignoring the peril being placed on many people or they actively support it and know that’ll end their chances of another date.
Supporting civil rights is not a “difference of opinion”. You accept that all human beings are worthy of respect and dignity, or you are either woefully misinformed or just a bad person. Neither option is a person worth your time and consideration.
My partner and I discussed abortion rights on the first date. No need to go any further if they can’t clear that first low bar. I’m not sleeping with antichoicers.
My church participates in the Pride parade every year, we set up a table and give out drinks and stuff to the people parading by. One of the pictures I put on my profile is me wearing a rainbow headband at our table, and I also have a button that says “This is a safe space.” There’s also a wide shot where you can see our sign that says “Where true love is, God himself is there.” (I came up with that, it’s a trimmed version of the refrain from one of my favorite hymns.)
I have sometimes wondered if that just puts off people right away. If so, good.
When I bring up values and politics and someone talks about opinions, I say something like this:
>Opinion: “The Dark Knight” is better than “Spider-Man 2.”
>Not opinion: Every human being should have all their human rights respected.
They often just go away on their own.
It does not matter soon but it can matter if you wait too long. The real question is why you keep catching these snakehead fishes. Go get you some sea bass, salmon, flounder, or even some catfish. There are plenty of fish but you keep going to the same spot.
I get the need for discretion right now–spouse is on a green card, almost all my friends and colleagues are on visas or green cards. But discretion means “I don’t post my political opinions on social media”, not “I’m keeping my politics secret from the girls I’m dating.” My entire immigrant-filled social circle might be discrete online, but IRL they’re involved and they care. The same rules apply to immigrant men as they do to US citizen men–if they don’t enthusiastically identify themselves to you, the woman they’re trying to get to know, as leftists, they’re conservatives.
Almost immediately, when I was dating I always chatted about current events
I think talking g about current events not only provides for better convos than regular small talk, but you quickly get exposed to a lot of their ideals
I’m so loud about how I feel it’s no secret or conversation to be had later down the road. It may as well be stamped on my forehead: “fuck Nazi amerikkka”
I’m an immigrant, and let me tell you that we will see things very differently from the typical American. Beliefs and values are not the same in different countries.
Values are very important. I’m too left-leaning for most people from my home country and I accept that. I let everyone know up front what my non-negotiables are so we can all move our separate ways. There is no need to shuffle around. Someone who is afraid to be rejected or to reject someone is not someone I want to be in a relationship with personally.
But I also don’t villainize the folks who have different values than me. If they’re from a different culture, or even the same culture, I get it. There are nuances and historical roots I will never understand on a personal level. The only ones I aptly abhor are the ones who believe in superiority.
They hide this because they hope you’ll get so attached to them that you won’t want to ditch them. Granted, if you’re smart, you’ll do it anyway even if it hurts.
Talk about values immediately so you can ditch them immediately without it hurting.
Can’t be with someone who won’t protect me and my friends during the Revolution, so immediately is the only correct answer.
I am a heterosexual woman – if I didn’t trust my husband implicitly I wouldn’t be with him because marriage puts me FAR too much under the control of the patriarchy. I gotta be with someone who actively wants to break that shit with me.
Immediately at the first face to face. Ask it point blank and then be silent. Let them talk and let them keep talking.
Guy #3 sounds like a liar. No one is neutral about families being separated.
I ask immediately. Before a first date and I am absolutely not a pen pal kind of dater. However, I did, back when I was on the apps remove my politics and I now ask the open ended question “if you could change one thing about America and why?”
I’m seeing more men lie about their politics or pretend they’re apolitical only to Google and find them to be registered Republicans. I do not date Republicans. It’s important to me to clear this hurdle but I don’t want to do it in a way that rewards their lying.
3 said it’s unreasonable because he doesn’t care what your opinions are.
It’s never too soon. Don’t waste your time.