I ‘22-F’ have a history of moving too fast and i don’t want to rush this relationship like i have in the past. My partner ‘27-M’ and I have been together for 1.5 months and have already said i love you. we said it after the first date. We had also been friends for a month prior to us dating. So i have known him for a total of 3 months and im already feeling so certain that he is the one for me. How do i know if it’s too soon to be certain of that and all the other milestones? like living together, promise rings, getting married, getting pets, having kids, etc. i just wanna know what everyone’s opinions on pace should be. thank you
TLDR: I wanna move in w my partner but don’t know when that’s appropriate.
Comments
>i don’t want to rush this relationship like i have in the past
OK that’s admirable.
>have already said i love you. we said it after the first date.
Oh wow you failed on your goal rather quickly.
>I wanna move in w my partner but don’t know when that’s appropriate.
Oh OK so you are just blatantly ignoring your own goal in the beginning of this post of rushing through a relationship, yeah?
Way way way too fast. I love you after the first date is concerning. If this is you slowing down I can’t imagine what you did in the past. Get to know someone really well before you even consider moving in. You cannot truly know someone after six weeks.
Man you are setting yourself up for an incredibly painful heart break it sounds like. You cannot know you love this person on the first date and you are clearly blinded by the fact you said it so early. You really really really need to reevaluate before considering living together
That said, it depends how long you should wait. But honestly you personally should wait at least a full year imo. 8 months is kinda pushing it for people who dont rush things
German here, we tend to move slower than Americans.
From what I observed in the US people in relationships on the healthier side of the spectrum move in together somewhere around the 12-36 months of dating exclusively.
Anything under 8 months is usually a relationship that is somewhere between an absolute dumpster fire to physically abusive. (Again, from my observations)
Me personally, I learned my lesson, and if I ever have a relationship again (I grew up in a very dysfunctional family, so I ended up dating all the abusive guys until i learned to avoid them better in my mid to late twenties, and had enough therapy to work through my dysfunctional attraction patterns) I won’t move in with them. I cherish having a space for myself when people (even loved ones) get too much for the day, or live in general overwhelms me.
From a sheer logical standpoint, I would say you should date at the very least for 5-10 years to decide to legally and perhaps even financially tie yourself to someone, because so many people manage to hide who they really are for 1-2 years very well.
The first 12 months in general I would say are when 1) your brain is flooded with dopamine and serotonine and oxitocine and all that good stuff because shiny new person.
So essentially, you are inebriated and not able to make a decision that is rooted in a long-term healthy, realistic outcome. After 12-20 month, the amount of happy chemicals reduces because the partner isn’t a shiny new exciting person anymore. THAT is when you actually get to know them… Where the rose coloured glasses start to slip off and little habits start to actually annoy you.
You should then start to reflect if you can live with those small annoyances for the rest of your life or if this will sometime down the road turn into a moment á la Chicago – He had it coming….
“I said to him: you pop that gum one more time!…. And he did… So I took the shotgun off the wall and fired two warning shots… Into his head”
And 2) the first 6 months of a relationship are most definitely the love bombing stage if your partner is an abuser. Some can keep this up longer, some slip up earlier…
You want to have at least 1 mayor argument about something, and a something very stressful happening to see how your partner and you manage to navigate this.