Hi I have a mutual friend that I met like a year ago but didn’t really start talking to until a few months ago. Initially we would just say hi and briefly hug on the occasion we saw each other at college but recently he hugged me really tight for a few seconds to where I was uncomfortable and had to tell him stop.
After that I saw him and our mutual friend and we decided to get food near college. When walking he kept touching my waist as if to guide me and he kept doing It so I asked him why are you guiding me. He didn’t stop so I decided to just walk a bit further because I was getting uncomfortable (because who just decides to keep touching someone you’re not even familiar with?!).
After we came back to college my friend left and I made up an excuse to leave him because I was a bit weirded out. I know it’s not anything serious but being touched so much (like 8 times in a 4 minute walk) without consent was a bit jarring.
I don’t even know how to approach this. I’m worried if I say something he’ll say I misunderstood etc and I don’t want to make our mutual friend uncomfortable. I thought he was a bit cute when I first met him but I lost interest even before we started really texting (not sure why maybe because of both his and mine inconsistency in texting and the stuff he posts)
Thanks for reading
Comments
He’s into you and trying to be sort of suggestive with touch. Guys who do this are waiting for you to make a move back. When the attraction is shared between two people, it usually fizzles up until one of them bursts and you accidentally kiss or one of you asks the other out or it just kinda tumbles into a thing. But.. awkward when you’re not interested.. and then there’s the problem of “what do i say to stop the unspoken?” Well, one good way is to sit down with him and be like “so do you like anyone right now? Have you ever liked me?” And he may say yes he’s attracted to you. And you can be like “well i want you to know that i know you’re attracted to me and i’m flattered, im just not a touchy feely person and it feels wrong because i actually have feelings for someone else and i dont see you that way and i also dont like to be guided or anything because its not my thing” and you can be stern but nice at the same time. I would then transition into being like well who else do you like? And maybe let him know youll make a great wing girl haha. But if you cant have this conversation then you should probably stop seeing him all together. Conversation will be awkward no matter what so maybe practice with someone?
First, don’t place anyone’s comfort over your own in situations like this. That’s important and if you don’t take anything from this take that.
I’d suggest first talk to your mutual friend. Tell them what your are experiencing and how it makes you uncomfortable and that would like their help so you can talk to the guy. suggest you all hang out again and your mutual leave for a moment to give you time alone. Maybe like a bar and they go up to get another drink (could come up with a signal for when you’re ready for them to leave and ready for them to come back) Then say something to this guy along the lines of, “hey while mutual friend is gone I wanted to chat with you about something. I did think you were attractive when we first met, but I am not interested in anything romantic with you. When you keep touching me it give’s romantic vibes and makes me uncomfortable and I only want to be friends and that’s it and it won’t change for me. Is that something you’re interested in?” This makes your feeling clear, addresses the issue, and by saying the attractive thing may lessen the blow. Then signal to your mutual to rejoin. I personally don’t think you need to be so concerned about his feelings, and a simple please stop touching me it makes me uncomfortable is sufficient but since you care about his feeling this might help. Having your friend there creates a buffer while having them walk away gives both of you privacy.
Personally, I’m pretty forward with my boundaries. I would have said “I don’t like being touched.” And a “Please don’t” after each touch that he may have seemed not realized, because I know habits are hard to break. But if it’s something like he’s really not getting the message, I would be much more firm and direct.
“(Friend’s name), I really don’t like being touched. It makes me uncomfortable, you keep doing it, I keep reminding you, but this is going beyond uncomfortable for me. Stop touching me.”
I was recently called rude because a friend put his arms around me and my friend, putting him in the middle. I REALLY hate when guys put their hands on my shoulder. Don’t know why, but it bugs me. So I did a couple of adjustments to remove it myself without saying anything, that didn’t work.
It went like this
Me: Can you move your hand? I don’t like that.
Him: wow! You’re mean.
Me: that’s okay.
Him: you’re really mean.
Me: Yeah, I know. But that’s okay.
He moved his hand. This was in a loud crowd place and the only other person that could hear was our friend that he had his other arm on, but frankly, I don’t care if the whole dancehall heard lol
“I know it’s not anything serious”
Yes it is. It’s very serious and there is a chance he will say you misunderstood, but you need to assert your boundaries and stay away from this man. He can be potentially dangerous.
This is very similar to something I went through. I had a “friend” I use quotation marks because he was never a friend, he was a creep, who wouldn’t respect boundaries. I knew him for years, but we didn’t start to hang out frequently until I told him about my depression. I was never attracted to him and enjoyed hanging out with him, until he got touchy with me. He would ask to cuddle and I’d say no because that’s something I only did with a man I was in a relationship with. I was in an on and off relationship with my ex too, which he knew and I wasn’t going to disrespect him that way. But he kept insisting and sometimes he would “accidentally” touch me. He’d brush his hand against my leg and I’d flinch when he did. He tried holding my hand several times and kept insisting we cuddled. I kept telling him not to suggest that anymore, and to stop trying to hold my hand, and absolutely no touching me. He didn’t listen. The final straw is when he sent me a meme and said “The perfect gift would be to be smothered by your thighs.” I told him I was not going to be able to hang out with him the next day we had scheduled to hang out, and I blocked him. I put up with too much of his inappropriate touching, which was sexual harassment. I should have stop hanging out with him the moment I realized he wasn’t going to respect boundaries. I was fortunate, but you know what? I wasn’t the only woman and man he did this too:
trigger warning
I tried to warn my trans friend’s mother about this asshole, as well as my friend, but by then he had already taken advantage of him. My friend is female to male and this garbage who was our “friend” didn’t see him as a man, so he invited him over to his tiny house he built, in back of his parent’s house. There he took advantage of the fact that they were alone and pressured my friend to do things with him. My friend also cut ties with him, but I was so infuriated. And he continued to make other people uncomfortable. A friend I had made said he wanted to hang out with her, but she refused because he made her uncomfortable when he told her he wanted to be her slave.
Now I’m sharing with you my story because I want you to see that this can escalate into something horrifying. That “friend” of ours is a sexual predator and this guy you want advice on, is reminding me of him too much. You ask him in front of another friend if you have to, for safety reasons, to stop touching you and to never touch you again. Do not be alone with him. Stay away from him. Avoid him at all costs and tell trusted friends what is going on. You are not overreacting, he’s a pig and potentially dangerous. Be safe.
There is nothing to misunderstand. Even if it’s completely platonic (it’s not) he’s still touching you when you don’t want him to. Send him a text and tell him that you don’t like it when he touches you and you want him to stop. If he reacts poorly or does it again, stop being friends with him.