I would love some advice about communication. My (37f) partner (37m) and I have been together for 3 years though we’ve known each other way longer. At first he was so proactive and really pursued me in our dating life. As things got serious though, I think I’ve been the one pushing us forward a bit more – I said I love you first, and it’s me who brought up stuff like buying a place together. However, my partner is super lovely and makes me laugh and I think he’s just not as open with his feelings as I am. He’s also just less ambitious and organised as a person. For context, I’ve had generally good long term relationships before we got together but my bf last relationship was kinda fucked up and she cheated on him etc.
Cut to 3 years in and I’m about to start a new job that’s kinda intense. I’m nervous about it because I basically burnt out and had to quit my last job and have been unemployed for a little while trying to recover. At that time I had a job, a side hustle and stuff kept breaking in my place which I had to deal with and pay for. I also had a death in my family. All at once. So Basically I had a breakdown.
We had a convo about how I’m gonna have way less free time for a while and I asked him to help out more. He did his usual which was asking me for specifics and questioning whether I think he doesn’t pull his weight normally. I hate those questions.
Yes he does some stuff in the house occasionally. But he’s like taking out bins once a week or sometimes doing a load of washing. Important to say that the place we live in is mine and he pays rent to me though I keep it cheap to help him out. Therefore I manage everything to do with the place and also do most of the cleaning etc. my main ask was for him to take grocery deliveries when I’m at work and he responded with “that might limit my freedom to do what I need to do”. We get groceries like once every two weeks.
I guess what started as us talking about me having less time turned into a huge discussion about how he feels like he does a lot and compromises for the relationship a lot already, and I feel like he doesn’t make as much effort as I do. I don’t want his help financially but I do think he is a bit lazy with other stuff. Like he says he wants to be more active and go to the gym before work but then goes out drinking until late or playing video games with friends until like 3am a few nights a week. Our sex life has really gone downhill since the beginning and I mentioned he doesn’t make much effort here but he says we are fine having sex once a week and got kinda annoyed that I want more. Since when is sex such a chore? Often when I have asked him to do stuff it’s about a 30-40% chance he will follow through and actually do it.
In this last discussion he said I was unfair for being demanding when he is trying to help out and does make an effort. I know he does sometimes and also I think he’s struggling himself with low mood and stuff, so I want to be considerate. But it’s also true that most stuff doesn’t get done unless I do it. For him, having to do one thing is really intense. Meanwhile I do like five things at once. Am I being unfair to point this out? Is his occasional effort enough? Maybe I’m approaching the conversation wrong because he’s always super defensive. What do you think?
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I may not be the person you want to reply to this.
I recently broke up from my 3.5 year relationship that was incredibly similar. He moved into my place, I paid the lions share of expenses. Took him on vacations he wasn’t grateful for.
He was very concerned with his freedom and having flexibility to “follow his soul”. Any conversation about the future or responsibility I think, to him, felt like a criticism and was met with defensiveness.
Or sex life went down to once a month. He didn’t like talking about it. I’m pretty certain he was fantasizing about other women though.
So we broke up. He has his freedom now. I am devastated because I only hoped for the best. I kept putting him on a pedestal, waiting for things to get better. To go back to the way he was. Giving him grace – he’s depressed, he’s tired, he’s under the weather. There was never not an excuse. I would have paid off his debt if he gave me an iota of solid, communicated commitment. I was living in a fantasy.
When we spoke, he said he would reach out and see how I was doing. Haven’t heard from him in four months, pretty sure he shacked up with a new girl he met before he even moved out. But that’s neither here nor there.
Im in the same boat. He helps out and stuff, but just enough to keep me happy. He does the dishes then takes his shirt off and sits inside all day and plays video games. Sometimes hell cook or takr the dog out. Ill have to ask him to do laundry or help clean his dirty hands off the walls. He says im dramatic and hes helping plenty. Our bills and pay is the exact same. I am the main household person with groceries and cooking and etc. If i didnt do the cooking we would have no food, if i didnt remind him of laundry wed have no clean clothes, the dog would starve and the house would be a general mess with clothes and just random junk everywhere.
He asks the same questions too! Whether he is doing good enough or good enough for me and i hate it! Makes me feel shitty.
He is defensive as well and kind of “gaslights” me, i guess. I would bring up issues and he would ask me to name one time he did that, and of course I cant because Im on the spot and forgetful, i just know hes done it before.
He makes these big grand plans and I try to support him through it and he just doesnt commit to it and goes and plays video games or rides his motorcycle. He came from the same background of being cheated on and is a good guy overall.
Just know youre not alone in this! Youre asking for help and he is just uncomfortable with changing and is just pretty much lazy.
This man is 37? He does not sound like a partner.
You’re not being unfair, you’re just dealing with a grown adult who’s still stuck in “meh, whatever” mode. The problem isn’t your ask, it’s his resistance to adulting. You gotta call out the “trying” excuse and ask if he’s really in this relationship or just along for the ride. No one’s saying perfection, but coasting on minimal effort isn’t a partnership.
It feels a little like you’re parenting him. Which is making him shut down. There’s a lot of detail about what you do and not much on him in here, what hours he works, is his work labour intensive etc, but I worry that because you pay for the house and he gets to stay up to 3am playing video games, he’s not contributing.
The longer this goes on the more he will feel like a flatmate and not a partner. I’m not sure he’s looking for a partner, he just needs somewhere to live. He’s putting in minimal effort, what’s in this for you?
Please stop using the words helping out. You are not helping out when you are doing your share of the chores in a space you both live in and both responsible for.
For the life of me I cannot see what he is putting into the relationship.
How is he lovely? I mean to me lovely is grabbing some groceries, looking at the laundry and thinking better get that into the machine, oh you are having an intense time at work, let me prepare you some lunch to take into work or a go coffee cup. The same things I do for my partner.
There are times in life when things are a little easier and times when things are tough. Partnership is the flexibility to step in a back to support.
It does not sound like a partnership.
He is far too off the mark for me to be hopeful for change.
The guy takes out garbage once a week and believes he deserves an award.
Anytime you ask him to do something, you end up doing it yourself for the majority of it.
You can’t fix lazy. Sorry.
The person is either an active participant in the relationship, or they sit on their ass and let you mother everything about your shared lives.
You asked him to accept responsibility for a task that happens every two weeks, maybe an hour or two of work at max… Yet, you got a whole song and dance about it. That’s too much and it will take me away from my video games.
The guy is getting to live somewhere dirt cheap, the least he could do as a thank you is to chip in around the house.
Doesn’t sound like you have a life partner by any means.
He goes out drinking and plays video games late multiple times a week. That’s his priorities.
Its like what our parents used to say growing up as kids “You can go have your fun, after your homework and chores are done” He’s an overgrown child. He’s become your child to take care of, not partner.
Stuff like this does also kill a sex life because why would you be in the mood for sex when the other person is turning you resentful.
Doesn’t sound like he serves much of a purpose to your life. He doesn’t pitch in much financially. Certainly doesn’t do jack around the house. Complains if you request more out of him.
He’s just another responsibility you have to maintain. Another person to look after. Another bill to pay, a mouth to feed. Person to clean up after. Spending mental energy to baby sit him. Unreliable… He’s become a chore to you, not a life partner.
You’ve already requested more from him. But it turned into a fight. There is no golden way to ask someone. You already asked and look how it turned out… Its not going to change. He’s become more of a burden than an actual positive addition to your life.
If you left him you could move into a smaller place. You would have fewer chores. You could decide if you wanted to cook or not cook. Do your laundry when it was convenient for you. Buy groceries just for you whenever you wanted. Have no stress about those things at all,(providing you have the money to pay the bills. No need to nag, just do the stuff that needed to get done when it suits you. You could focus all your energies on the new job. So many pros. What are the cons? No sex. Oh, you say there is not a lot of it now. Company? How much fun stuff do you do together now? How much does he contribute to your life as is?
It sounds like you both have different ideas of how much you are each contributing to the household – which happens a lot! Everyone always thinks they’re the partner doing more because we don’t see what the other person does
I suggest sitting down one evening and listing all the chores each of you do in the house / for both of you and the effort / time spent on it, and he may realize that he’s really not doing as much as you do.
This is ridiculous OP. Some of you women are simply too good for us men.
Maybe a visual will help. Mark down what each of you accomplished around the house and compare. He may “feel” like he does a lot, when in reality it’s not even close, as you stated.
He’s not into you.He’s just into the free ride.
No, it’s not demanding to ask him to get the groceries! He eats, doesn’t he? This is what adults do.
Stop “helping him”. Charge a fair rent. Don’t infantalize him.
What are his compromises? He wants to go out with the guys every night, instead of a few nights a week?
It sounds like you’re feeling frustrated by the imbalance in effort and communication, which can really test the foundation of any relationship when one person consistently carries more weight, have you considered setting clear expectations and boundaries to ensure both of you are on the same page moving forward?
Oh god, I’ve been there before with roommates and it suuuucks. Idk what to tell you aside from what you’re asking is fair and that maybe a counselor might know.
He should consider a counselor as well.
If he still refuses to do anything to improve himself and continues to make irresponsible choices (the going out until 3 am stuff) that impact you, especially after you’ve let him know, you have plenty of grounds to dump him on.